FBF chapter 10 part 6

The white gate was wide open as if to tell me that I wasn’t the only one invited. Perhaps it was because I was getting closer to home, but the sound of people bustling was loud. Laughter that seemed to rip through the air made my ears dizzy. I didn’t hurry and took my steps slowly.

‘Have you ever seen something like this?’

The conversation from an hour ago still filled my mind. I had left the bookstore and didn’t go to the study room. Instead, I went home. I ripped open the plastic pack that I had hidden deep in the lowest compartment of my desk. I placed it on the desk and took a photo. Then, after sending the photo to my cousin whom I hadn’t contacted since getting his phone number years ago, I called him. He had gone to study abroad in the United States at a very young age and often seemed out of place among our cultured relatives, who were quick to put each other down with lofty words whenever they got a chance. I remembered the words he had said at a gathering where he had openly declared that it would be the last time he appeared before he became an adult.

‘If you think sending him to a private school with tuition fees in the hundreds of millions means he’ll be living a particularly refined life, wake up. Do you know how they take advantage of that closed-off environment to have fun? The reason why there are no kids getting caught with drugs isn’t because they’re thorough, but because their parents are thorough.’

When I contacted him after a long time, he threw out playful words as if surprised. After looking at the photo I sent, he fell silent for a while, as if deep in thought.

‘I think it’s weed. Yeah. Even upon looking at it again, I think that’s right. You can tell from the end shape.’

‘Weed? You mean a drug?’

‘How should I explain this? Technically, yes, it’s a drug, but it’s the most common and mild version. It’s more like something you smoke, like a cigarette. In the U.S., some states allow it, and some don’t, so in some states, you can get arrested for just smoking it, but in others, there are people smoking it openly in public places.’

Thump, thump, thump. The sounds formed by anxiety made my head and chest spin. I asked, clinging to my last strand of hope.

‘Is there any possibility that it might be legal in Korea?’

My cousin laughed incredulously as if saying, “No way.” He often reacted this way when he saw relatives ask me naïve questions at gatherings.

‘Of course not. It’s definitely illegal.’

‘…….’

‘By the way, where did you pick this up? Weren’t you a high school student? It’s gone too far in Korea. I can’t believe something like this is just lying around near a school.’

Unlike the gate, the front door was closed. I could have just grabbed the doorknob to open it, but I pressed the bell. The loud chatter immediately ceased. The music that was blaring also stopped abruptly. The house became quiet in an instant. I held my breath as I observed the change. I could see the light shining into the camera attached to the doorbell.

It sounded like someone inside was approaching to open the door as I heard footsteps coming closer. I stood still without moving a step. The door burst open without warning.

“Uh? You really came!”

The girl who popped her head out was the same one who had been next to Choi Hyuk-jun earlier. She had on heavier makeup than before and had changed into casual clothes, but I could recognize her easily. She had greeted me first earlier, too.

The girl, who had been checking me out with an intrigued look, seemed to realize something and turned her head back to shout.

“Hey. Isn’t that a cop? Play the song again!”

As if in response, the music started playing again. It was so loud it made my ears feel numb, yet the girl excitedly pulled my arm. Before I realized it, I had stepped into the house.

“…….”

The inside was a mess. I even remembered the last time I was in the house when everything was broken. I was soon convinced. Choi Hyuk-jun’s dad clearly hadn’t come home since then. So it made sense that his son would leave all this clutter in the living room without any action taken.

The house was abandoned, just as Choi Hyuk-jun wished.

Thuggish young men were gathered around the pool table in one corner, puffing on cigarettes. The smoke lazily rose and thickened the air around. On the big sofa in the living room, several couples were huddled together, giggling. As I walked, I realized that Choi Hyuk-jun was not among them, but I kept tripping over beer bottles. A big plastic beer container that I accidentally knocked over spilled its contents onto the floor. I turned my head towards the girl who had been observing me without moving. She held out a cigarette as if waiting. I confirmed her lip movements asking if I wanted to smoke and shook my head. The girl then leaned down and offered me a drink. She tilted the bottle, as if suggesting I drink first, still holding the bottle I had sent crashing to the ground.

I stepped back. In an instant, the girl threw the pitcher bottle she was holding onto the floor. Getting closer, she stuck her face right in front of mine.

“The more I look, the weirder it gets. No matter how you see it, you’re not one of us. Why are you hanging out with Choi Hyuk-jun? Aren’t you scared?”

Her eyes, which started from my eyebrows and scanned my face, weren’t intoxicated. The curiosity in her gaze was almost disarmingly honest, as if she remembered how she felt when she first saw me. I opened my mouth after keeping it firmly shut.

“…Where’s Choi Hyuk-jun?”

The girl laughed softly. After taking a drag from her cigarette and sizing me up for a moment, she eventually tilted her head sideways. Following her gaze, I could see the stairs. It was where I had gone before to get to Hyuk-jun’s room. A large speaker was placed right in the middle of the staircase. It seemed like a sign warning not to go up. Perhaps due to that, unlike the chaotic living room, there were no people around the stairs. However, contrary to the girl’s indication, Choi Hyuk-jun was not seen either. My curious gaze lingered near the stairs before gradually shifting sideways.

‘Do you want to check downstairs?’

My gaze was drawn to a small door in the corner, and before I knew it, I had taken a step forward. The door was closed, just as I had seen before. I felt the girl watching me from behind. There was a master bedroom in the opposite direction of the small door, but the girl didn’t inform me that I was going the wrong way. She just remained silent, as if confirming that Hyuk-jun truly was behind that door that I was nearing. Did this girl, who felt familiar despite only knowing Choi Hyuk-jun lately, also hear something about what was behind that door? Did she hear about Hyuk-jun asking if I wanted to open it?

I stopped just three steps away from the door. I had to. Because the door opened.

The little door that had been hidden and carelessly left ajar revealed familiar faces.

“Even if I told you I would disappear on my own when the time comes, you keep pestering me, don’t you? What? Is there someone you want to call after we leave?”

Only two people emerged, but the smell was familiar. It wasn’t a smell I had grown accustomed to from seeing or smelling it occasionally, but something I had come to recognize from being forced to grasp and handle it to identify what it was. I shifted my gaze behind Park Cheol-seung, who was holding a sizeable green lump tightly in his mouth.

Just as my eyes met Choi Hyuk-jun standing on the last step before the door, the sound of a heavy grandfather clock cut through the loud music that filled the house. The last time I had been to this house, the old grandfather clock had been broken, but now it had been replaced with a new one, as if to trick everyone into thinking nothing had happened.

‘- .- .- .- .- .- .-.’

The chimes rung precisely seven times before they stopped. I recognized that it marked 7 PM. Choi Hyuk-jun had said to come at 8, which also indicated that he had no intention of letting me hear this sound.

“…….”

I kept my eyes fixed on Hyuk-jun as I dragged my feet backward. After stepping back several times, I finally turned my body and began to run.

No. It can’t be. There’s no way… I thought, reminding myself of what I had kept avoiding at this moment.

I’m not the hypocrite here.

“Ji Seon-uk!”

It was you, who while causing such a mess, pretended to despise gangsters and drug dealers in front of me.

The music could be heard outside the house. It was hard to distinguish between the sound coming from my racing heart and the vibrations caused by the music with each step I took. I stopped running as if I had belatedly realized that I had the responsibility to differentiate between the two. I willingly did so, knowing that I could be caught because of the steady footsteps following me from behind.

“Stop! Stop, Ji Seon-uk!”

As soon as I heard the uneven breaths, I was grabbed by the shoulder so hard it hurt. Instead of shaking off his arm or running, I calmly turned around. The moment I turned away, Hyuk-jun, who had been desperately chasing me since I turned, stood there speechless, mouth agape as if he had lost his words the moment our eyes met. He looked at me with a surprised expression, as if seeing my face for the first time. Even though I couldn’t even tell what kind of expression I had, I knew I was startled. Instead of trying to manage my expression, I shot back with questions.

“Why did you call me here?”

Hyuk-jun’s face turned pale. To an onlooker, it would have seemed as though he was the victim and I was the culprit.

“Did you think it would be okay if you just changed the time? I would never open that door, I wouldn’t be able to trick you for life.”

Despite my insides churning as if I would vomit at any moment, I managed to speak calmly. Even with my thoughts bouncing around my head, my words came out more logically than I expected. Exhaling with a shudder, I couldn’t help but keep talking as if I needed to.

“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it to the end.”

“…….”

“Why the hell did you bring up your family matters that I never even asked about? Bringing up drug-dealing gangsters. You’re just the same. After causing such hell, you went back home and made drugs for Park Cheol-seung. Why did you pretend to be someone different?”

The words that tumbled out targeting Hyuk-jun’s face clearly. His face, twisted as if he had received a punch, was surprisingly visible even in the dark. I stopped my words. When I belatedly recognized the identity of the emotion that was stirring in my gut, I closed my eyes. The words I had choked on welled up painfully in my throat.

“Do you… even know what you’re doing right now?”

It was betrayal.

‘Is there anyone in the world without a situation?’

‘The question is whose situation you want to listen to.’

I tried to deny it, but I was listening to Hyuk-jun’s situation. As I picked up something that couldn’t possibly be a cigarette, looking down at someone who had slept soundly for hours, I hoped my thoughts were wrong. There were many traces of loneliness formed within him that only appeared in front of me, and I witnessed several points that resembled my past self. That’s why. That’s why I had let him be until this moment.

“… I’m different from my dad.”

I opened my eyes. Hyuk-jun turned his head away from me. He quickly continued speaking while staring somewhere at the ground, almost as if trying to convince himself.

“Anyway, the stuff is just trash that wouldn’t even be treated like real drugs by a real dealer. It’s just discarded things I’m playing around with for fun.”

“…….”

“If I want to stop at any moment, I can. This is just a joke for me…”

“Then try stopping right now.”

“…….”

“Stop, with your own will.”

Hyuk-jun slowly lifted his head. I commanded him while looking directly into his eyes.

“Go back now and tell Park Cheol-seung never to sell you stuff again. Send everyone out of your house. Can you do that?”

I saw him biting his lip. But he didn’t move his feet. Even before I said those words, I already knew. He couldn’t do it. If he could, he wouldn’t have started using drugs in the first place.

Among those who were in Hyuk-jun’s house today, there was no one who hated Park Cheol-seung as much as I did. Still, I thought Cheol-seung shouldn’t be doing drugs. I hoped he wouldn’t go down an irreversible path that would ruin his life. A normal person would think that way.

I remembered the time when my father defended the son of a chaebol who was suspected of habitual drug use. It was the first time I had seen him with a fatigued expression, blaming the client he usually wouldn’t question even in light of money.

‘When you think about it, it’s the most hopeless of them all. Even though the trial date is tomorrow, they’re still rescheduling to meet with the dealer. The young master, they keep trying to talk him out of it, but he doesn’t listen. He’s already gone crazy. And when he won’t listen, he starts screaming that he’s going to die. He’s not a zombie, it’s simply terrifying.’

Some of what Hyuk-jun said was true. It echoed some of what my cousin had said.

Yes, it could be light enough for a dealer to treat it merely as low-grade drugs. He must have thought it was something that he could start and stop without hesitation at any time. But people always move on to the next stage. One day, they will crave something slightly stronger, and if there’s a bigger thrill to be had, they will invest gladly.

If he doesn’t quit now, he will never be able to quit later. The moment he hesitates, that’s akin to admitting he’s already addicted.

“…….”

“…….”

He had gone beyond just doing drugs but had also brought someone else into this, and I couldn’t bear that. Yet for a moment, I hoped. I hoped that what I had just said might serve as an escape route for him, prompting him to make a determined choice to break free.

But Hyuk-jun didn’t move. The moment I looked at his stubborn face, looking at me with a pale complexion, all the remaining hopes in my heart vanished. I couldn’t think of a single sentence to spit out at Hyuk-jun, as if all my words had been taken away. I pulled my gaze away from him and turned my body to walk away. It was futile to try to catch a taxi the moment I stepped into the forest path. No taxi driver would understand if I explained where I was. To get out of this place, I had no choice but to walk downward, no matter how long it took.

“… If I were Lee Ji-hoon.”

Hyuk-jun made me stop less than three steps away. As if he knew that was a name that could make me halt, he mentioned Lee Ji-hoon as if to pull out a trump card. Even as I turned my body at the mention of Lee Ji-hoon, Hyuk-jun showed no surprise at all. It was as if he had expected me to react that way.

“Do you think I would have easily given up on you like this?”

The moment I heard those words, I finally understood why Hyuk-jun had invited me here. He had pretended to hide it but had always kept open the possibility that I would discover this situation one day. He had hoped for it, that I would turn a blind eye to him.

That was the friendship Hyuk-jun had expected of me. I answered him, keeping my gaze fixed on the murky shape he had revealed for the first time.

“I don’t know what kind of friendship you expected from me.”

“…….”

“The only consideration I can offer you is not to report this after seeing it.”

As I looked at Hyuk-jun’s face, a bitter laugh escaped my lips. Lee Ji-hoon?

“If it were him, he wouldn’t have dragged me into this in the first place.”

In the shady alley, the one who had pushed me away for fear that I might get marked by Park Cheol-seung was completely different from Hyuk-jun. Even while being lost, Hyuk-jun and Ji-hoon behaved drastically differently. The one urging me to step into his darkness was different from the one who would come out into the sunlight and walk with me side by side.

He’s different from you. He was the kind of person who jumped over to grab lunch with me on days when he was busy with classes, worrying that I might catch up for the drinking.

‘You and I are supposed to receive awards together at graduation. While standing like this.’

The moment the image of his smiling face, shoulders pressed against mine, appeared in my mind, my voice quavered. I couldn’t contain the rising anger and spat it out. Chewing on each and every word as if to raise my voice.

“Instead of spewing idle talk about friendship, you should quit drugs first.”

And.

“Don’t ever….”

“…….”

“Talk to me like Lee Ji-hoon again.”

I completely turned my back on Hyuk-jun, who merely stared at me in silence. Even when I walked for half an hour until I reached the main road, I heard no footsteps following me from behind.

I overslept, probably because I hadn’t slept well all night. Thankfully, it was a day Lee Ji-hoon had previously told me he would go early to prepare for the mock competition. I rushed and just barely made it before the first period began. The hallway, which should have been quiet as study time was taking place, was still. I had sent a message to the homeroom teacher in advance and received a reply, so there shouldn’t be any big issues. It seemed better to enter through the back door so as not to disturb the students studying.

[No entry without permission in Class 2-1]

I pulled my gaze from the large sign stuck on the back door window and grabbed the door handle. The moment I put pressure on the doorknob to open it, I froze as if frozen in place.

Even though I could hear the back door opening, no one turned around. Except for one person.

The back of the raccoon, who had been pushed to the back seat by Choi Hyuk-jun, was the first to catch my eye. Milk had spilled over his short hair and was dripping onto his neck, staining his collar and soon dropping onto his desk. Even as the milk spilled over to my spot, the guy sitting next to him was reading his textbook, seemingly oblivious to everything. His shoulders trembled slightly, not even holding a sharpener.

The moment someone spoke up, a heavy silence settled over the entire class, as if it could bear the weight of the void until then. Everyone was willfully silent and ignoring the scene before them. Whoever had caused it kept their gaze fixed on me, shaking a 200ml milk carton in the air. Specifically, right over the raccoon’s head.

Once I came to my senses, Choi Hyuk-jun was right in front of me.

“What the hell are you doing, you little bastard!”

The milk carton I hastily threw rolled across the floor, making a trivial sound. Only when the sound died down did Hyuk-jun speak.

“You told me not to talk to you.”

You told me, not to talk to you. Emphasizing his words by pausing, Hyuk-jun’s face bore no particular expression. He looked rather bored even. I finally realized that the milk cartons lying beneath the raccoon’s seat weren’t just one. The raccoon’s spring and fall uniform vest was completely soaked.

“Then you have no choice but to make me talk to you. Isn’t that right?”

Hyuk-jun lightly pushed me with his shoulder as he passed by. The moment he did, a nauseating smell of milk wafted through the air.

* * *

Hyuk-jun’s harassment was tacitly approved by the students in the class. Even though Hyuk-jun didn’t explicitly order them, everyone silently lowered their heads and kept their mouths shut. When the raccoon’s fall and spring vest was getting soaked, the hippo who rushed to dry it ended up in a cast after being hit by Hyuk-jun. The homeroom teacher, who suddenly had to issue a sick leave slip, must have asked what was going on, but the hippo seemed unable to speak honestly. Hyuk-jun received no consequences, and the homeroom teacher didn’t mention it either. The next morning, the hippo, limping as he appeared, avoided eye contact with anyone. The other students, who were listening to the crutches, also didn’t meet his gaze or ask if he was okay. Even during the break, which usually would have been lively with noise and excitement, the class was eerily silent. Everyone remained seated and studied. It was as if they all understood that avoiding entangling with Hyuk-jun’s harassment was the most rational way to do so.

‘Then you have no choice but to make me talk to you. Isn’t that right?’

As the class with the highest grades, our classmate were smart. It was as if everyone recognized that it was best not to get involved with me in order to avoid entangling with Hyuk-jun. It was a week before an important exam. Even setting aside the fear of Hyuk-jun, none of the students were ignorant enough to create additional trouble.

For me, it was rather a fortunate situation. All I had to do was endure Hyuk-jun’s behavior.

‘Don’t put others at risk. Don’t act childish, if you have something to say, say it to me, you little bastard!’

While Hyuk-jun was merely washing his hands that had gotten a few drops of milk on them, he didn’t reply to my yell that followed after him. However, after that day, his behavior of provoking the other students simply to make me talk disappeared. The method just changed cleverly.