TTOA Chapter 48

#48

‘Ah, foolishly.’

I regret it.

Getting so deeply involved…

I shouldn’t have given him my memories, my eyeballs, everything about Kwon Jae-jin, all of it.

I shouldn’t have allowed anything, I should have just done that…

I hate and resent Seo Eui-woo, and my heart aches. It’s agonizing, as much as I unintentionally let him deep into my heart. No, it’s thousands of times more agonizing. When Kwon Jae-jin was caught in the Gate and died, torn to pieces with his limbs scattered in different directions, even that horrific experience wasn’t as painful as now.

Right now, if Kwon Jae-jin sheds tears, they’ll be tears of blood, and if he wails, he’ll cough up blood.

Even if every bone in my body were shattered to pieces, my flesh devoured by swarms of centipedes and maggots, and my skinned body burned with fire, it would still be better than now.

“Jae-jin, aren’t you hungry? Should I make you something?”

From beside Kwon Jae-jin, who was holed up in the bedroom, Seo Eui-woo’s whisper could be heard.

Kwon Jae-jin had pulled the white blanket over his head and was lying there blankly, as if he couldn’t hear anything. Seo Eui-woo narrowed his long eyes and reached out, gently lifting the edge of the blanket.

“You need to eat. Jae-jin, you like eating, don’t you?”

Seo Eui-woo treated Kwon Jae-jin like a wounded wild animal hiding in its den. Carefully, so as not to startle him, he gently pulled the blanket down a little more, and his gaze met Kwon Jae-jin’s wide, staring eyes.

His blazing eyes were bloodshot and red. Kwon Jae-jin’s rising anger was clearly visible.

“No, thanks. I’m not eating.”

Jae-jin refused immediately, twisting his head away. He didn’t seem to want to make eye contact with Seo Eui-woo. Even breathing in the same space as him seemed disgusting.

“Then would you like some water? Should I get you some?”

Seo Eui-woo used his ability to bring a glass of water. The clear, cool water sloshed gently.

“You look thirsty, Jae-jin. Your voice is all cracked.”

“……”

“You don’t want water either? You don’t need it?”

When Kwon Jae-jin didn’t answer, Seo Eui-woo placed the glass on the bedside table. He flipped the switch on the lamp, creating a brighter and warmer atmosphere.

“Um… are you going to sleep like this? It’s only five in the afternoon.”

“……”

“Hey, do you want to go see the ocean with me?”

“……”

“I’ll take you right now. Let’s hold hands again. The ocean is blue, you know.”

“……”

“Or there’s a canyon in the mountains here. It’s private property, so no one can come. Do you want to go with me?”

“……”

“Jae-jin.”

“……”

“……Jae-jin.”

“……”

“Stop it already and look at me. Huh?”

Seo Eui-woo slipped his hand under the blanket. His eyes had been sinking into the depths for some time now. A thick longing and deep-rooted desire twisted strangely, shining ominously and dangerously.

Forcing down the coldness that was about to distort his eyes, Seo Eui-woo curved his eyes. Smiling softly, he touched Kwon Jae-jin’s neck, who was curled up.

“This is what Jae-jin wanted, isn’t it?”

Seo Eui-woo’s fingertips traced his neck affectionately and chillingly.

“You told me to trust you. That’s why I told you.”

“……Don’t.”

“If I had wanted to hide it, I could have. No matter how many holes were drilled in Kwon Jae-jin’s head, I could have pretended not to know. But I didn’t.”

“……Seo Eui-woo. Take your hand away.”

“I didn’t hide anything and told you everything as it is. I wanted to try trusting Kwon Jae-jin, so I told you everything. I thought we could be better if Jae-jin was honest with me, so I tried to be honest too. Because I thought we would be better…”

“……”

“It’s the same now. I’m not doing anything to Jae-jin right now. But why are you avoiding me so much? Do you hate me now?”

Seo Eui-woo calmly caressed his neck.

Tracing his skin slowly with his fingertips along the neckline, he touched the rapidly pulsing carotid artery. He felt Kwon Jae-jin’s pulse.

“Why are you doing this to me, Jae-jin?”

“I told you to stop……”

“Why do you keep doing this to me?”

“Ha…… Please, just please leave me alone. Or, do I really have to say it with my own mouth for you to understand?”

Kwon Jae-jin threw off the blanket and got up. He shuddered and sharply brushed away the annoying hand that was clinging to his neck.

“Please leave. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t appear before my eyes for a while.”

Seo Eui-woo’s expression clouded slightly at his resolute rejection.

“Leave?”

“Yes.”

“What do you mean by ‘for a while’? How long is ‘for a while’?”

“I don’t know. Get out.”

“Jae-jin.”

“Ah, get lost, I said get lost!”

The soft smile that Seo Eui-woo had been precariously holding onto scattered, and his lips twisted. He furrowed his thick eyebrows harshly, and a cold wind swept through his wild eyes.

Gritting his teeth mercilessly, Seo Eui-woo growled.

“Should I, should I… apologize to Jae-jin?”

His deep gray eyes darted around wildly and violently.

“Because it’s true that I once tried to erase Kwon Jae-jin’s memories. Because I can’t deny that I felt that impulse.”

“Seo Eui-woo……”

“Back then, I wanted Jae-jin in that way, and I didn’t think it was wrong. Every Esper erases memories and lives on, and that’s how they can fight, and that’s how they can protect themselves, their comrades, and humanity.”

He was spitting out the words fiercely, as if he couldn’t hold back any longer.

Not pretending to be okay, as if he couldn’t bear it.

As it was, completely.

“I just wanted Jae-jin to forget the past and be with me like I did. But, even so, in the end, I didn’t erase them.”

“……”

“I didn’t touch Kwon Jae-jin’s memories at all!”

“……”

“I know now. If I could regress like Jae-jin, if I could go back to the past, I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t drill holes in his head, and I would want to know everything, everything about Jae-jin. I really feel that way now. It wasn’t me who messed with Jae-jin’s head. It’s not like I tore out those memories, so if Jae-jin treats me like this, I… I might feel a little wronged.”

Seo Eui-woo reached out his arm. He came closer slowly, without putting any force into it, so that Kwon Jae-jin could push it away if he wanted to.

As he always did, he wrapped his arms around Kwon Jae-jin’s waist and buried his handsome face in his neck. He could feel the sensation of his high nose being rubbed against him.

“We were really good together. Jae-jin and I, we were really… good together. I’m sorry. I’ll apologize. I was short-sighted back then when I tried to erase your memories.”

“……”

“I didn’t consider Jae-jin’s position at all. I only thought about myself. I’ll never do that again. Okay?”

Seo Eui-woo pressed his lips deeply into his hollow collarbone. His warm and familiar body temperature felt natural. Seo Eui-woo kissed Kwon Jae-jin’s chin, cheeks, and lips.

Kwon Jae-jin accepted him, who was clinging to him desperately and mournfully, with a feeling of absurdity and emptiness.

Seo Eui-woo……

This Seo Eui-woo is too……

Ha…… It’s laughable……

“Then.”

As if spitting out a ball of fire from his throat, Kwon Jae-jin uttered a painful voice. His dry and cracked voice was like an iron wall.

“Restore my memories.”

Saying he was sorry, saying he wouldn’t do it again, but not saying he would return Kwon Jae-jin’s lost memories until the very end was just like Seo Eui-woo. This bastard… until the very end.

“My family, who they are, what their faces look like, what their names are, my childhood! All of it… restore it to its original state with your great ability.”

Kwon Jae-jin shouted desperately.

“Okay, I admit it. We were good, Seo Eui-woo and I. It was fun! Clinging to me whenever he had the chance, poking and sucking and melting and flowing, like a complete idiot… If you want to continue living with me like that in the future, restore my memories.”

It felt like his blood was running backward.

The 2nd iteration of Seo Eui-woo, as he said, this Seo Eui-woo didn’t erase Kwon Jae-jin’s memories. The direct culprit is the 1st iteration of Seo Eui-woo, who he can never meet again. But that doesn’t mean the 2nd iteration of Seo Eui-woo can escape blame.

Because this bastard also has the same origin.

Having the idea of erasing Kwon Jae-jin’s memories, but not having the idea of restoring them. That point. Whether it’s the 1st iteration of Seo Eui-woo or the 2nd iteration of Seo Eui-woo, they’re all equally hateful, and killing intent arose.

Is it because Kwon Jae-jin becomes difficult to handle if he remembers the past?

Because he can no longer be easily confined and suppressed?

Is it because he might want to return to the 6th Residential District?

“Isn’t Seo Eui-woo capable of anything? If you interfered with my brainwaves to make me forget with your ability, then you can interfere with my brainwaves again to make me remember. Come on, do it! Do it now!”

Kwon Jae-jin forcibly grabbed Seo Eui-woo’s wrist and pulled it. He placed his hand in front of his forehead and banged his head against it.

Seo Eui-woo lowered his eyelids with difficulty.

“Jae-jin. That’s difficult.”