Nanke Yifu Chapter 10
bySeeking Chi Fu, What Is There (10)
“Alright, it’s getting late. Go to sleep now. I’ll continue telling you tomorrow,” Yan Laixi said, rising to his feet without allowing refusal.
“It’s only three o’clock!” Chi Fu held up his phone, the screen displaying the time.
Although he wasn’t sure exactly what Yan Laixi’s routine was, Chi Fu usually didn’t sleep until five or six in the morning at the earliest. It was impossible for Yan Laixi to go to bed this much earlier than him, even if he did sleep earlier.
“It’s already three in the morning,” Yan Laixi said. “I’m going to take a shower. You think about whether you want to sleep with me tonight and find yourself a nest.”
“Of course I do!” Chi Fu shouted toward the bathroom. Yan Laixi ignored him, so Chi Fu pulled the quilt on the bed around, creating a small nest, and then curled up beside it, surrounding himself with pillows and the headboard, waiting for Yan Laixi to finish his shower.
Yan Laixi told him to find a nest, so he built a nest for Yan Laixi. The nest he wanted to find was the spot right next to Yan Laixi.
Yan Laixi took a bit long in the shower. Chi Fu had been sitting with his legs curled up and they were starting to feel numb. Just as he removed the pillow and stretched his legs to relax, he heard the water stop in the bathroom. Although it would take Yan Laixi a while to dry himself, Chi Fu immediately jumped up and struck a pose, shrinking between the pillows, hugging his knees, burying half his face in the crook of his arm, and raising his eyes just enough to look over.
His eyeballs were practically stiff when the bathroom door finally opened.
Yan Laixi gently dried his hair with a towel, walking back into the bedroom with his eyes lowered, draping the towel over the back of a chair.
His soft short hair was damp, sticking up in messy strands. His pale skin was flushed pink from the steam, and the color of his eye corners and lips was more vibrant than usual.
His lips parted, and a pleasant voice called Chi Fu’s wandering soul back.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking at you,” Chi Fu said, his eyes wide, murmuring, “You’re so beautiful.”
That was the half of his soul that hadn’t returned yet.
Yan Laixi rubbed his forehead, pointing at the bed: “I mean, what is this? Building a nest?”
“Building a den,” Chi Fu corrected. “There’s only one quilt out here, so I could only build a small one. If I get in, you won’t have any space.”
He lifted the pillows on either side of him, one in each hand: “So I built a simple one for myself.”
Yan Laixi opened his mouth but said nothing, waving his hand and telling Chi Fu: “Go take a shower.”
“Oh.” Chi Fu obediently got out of bed, not forgetting to rearrange the pillows before he left. He straightened up and turned around, just in time to see Yan Laixi reaching into the cabinet for a quilt.
His hand moved faster than his mouth, and his mouth faster than his brain. He grabbed Yan Laixi and asked, “Can’t we just share one quilt?”
There was only one quilt on the bed. Clearly, they used to sleep like this.
“It saves us from having to fold one quilt, right?” Chi Fu said.
Yan Laixi: “The only time we ever fold a quilt is when we put a dry one back in the cabinet. We’ve never folded them otherwise.”
“Well, it saves us from having to wash one less quilt,” Chi Fu said, closing the cabinet door himself and running to the bathroom. “Anyway, I want to share a quilt with you!”
Yan Laixi had just showered, and the bathroom was full of steam. It wasn’t very comfortable to walk straight in, but Chi Fu’s mind was also full of steam—he hadn’t even grabbed a bath towel, let alone the clothes he was supposed to change into—so the similar humidity didn’t register.
“Chi Fu.”
He adjusted the water temperature and heard Yan Laixi call his name from outside the door, followed by a knock. “Your pajamas and bath towel are by the door. Grab them when you’re done.”
Calling out first before knocking was very thoughtful, preventing the person inside from being startled by a sudden sound. The problem was that it was too thoughtful, almost distant. Was this how they used to interact? Absolutely not, right?
What if they got used to this distance? It was impossible to expect Yan Laixi to take the initiative, so Chi Fu decided he could be a little more shameless.
He finished his shower, dried his hair, and made sure his collar wasn’t damp before returning warmly to the bedroom. Yan Laixi was lying on his side, facing away from the door. The overhead light was off, leaving only a small, warm-toned desk lamp. The light and shadow outlined the figure on the bed. He lay quietly, his body rising and falling slightly. Chi Fu didn’t know if he was asleep.
Yan Laixi had left him a lamp, half the bed, and half the quilt.
The half of the quilt spread out behind Yan Laixi was like a black hole drawing Chi Fu in, but he resisted the strong gravitational pull. He softened his steps, slowly closed the door, approached the bed, and carefully sat down, lifting the quilt to slide underneath.
The quilt wasn’t very big. With a distance between them, Chi Fu could only reach the edge of the blanket.
“Laixi,” he whispered softly, “Are you asleep?”
He lay flat on his back, tilting his head to look at Yan Laixi’s back. After a long silence and no movement, Chi Fu thought he was asleep and was about to turn his neck back when Yan Laixi said, “What is it?”
“Did I wake you up?” Chi Fu asked.
“No, I wasn’t asleep anyway,” Yan Laixi said, still lying with his back to him.
Chi Fu: “Can I move closer to you?”
“…Mm.”
Chi Fu shuffled closer to Yan Laixi. Seeing a large empty space on his other side of the bed, he realized how close to the edge Yan Laixi was lying. He shuffled back a bit and said, “Can you move inward a little?”
Yan Laixi propped up his upper body, moved inward, and pulled the quilt further over to Chi Fu’s side, asking, “Is this okay?”
“Mhm, mhm,” Chi Fu nodded. Yan Laixi lay back down, facing away from him again. Chi Fu also turned onto his side, facing Yan Laixi’s back.
There was still a small distance between them, but Yan Laixi didn’t seem to resist his closeness. This feeling of drawing a clear boundary must be because he was worried about making the amnesiac Chi Fu uncomfortable.
Chi Fu thought, how wonderful it would be if this thoughtfulness were used to worry about whether he was cold and needed to cuddle for warmth. Although the room temperature was comfortable, and he wouldn’t be cold even without a blanket, he really liked Yan Laixi. Even with amnesia, he still liked him.
“Can I press against you?” he asked again. Yan Laixi still replied with an “Mm.”
Chi Fu scooted closer. His arms were tucked against his chest, pressed against Yan Laixi’s back, which wasn’t very comfortable.
“Can I hug you?”
There was another long silence. Chi Fu had enough patience to wait for an answer, but the answer shouldn’t have been, “If you’re cold, go get a quilt from the cabinet.”
“I’m not cold,” Chi Fu said. “I just want to hug you. Is that not allowed?”
“It’s not that it’s not allowed…”
Not not allowed meant it was allowed. Chi Fu naturally wrapped his arms around Yan Laixi’s waist, burying his face in the slightly damp nape of his neck, and pushing his luck: “I don’t want to let go. Can we sleep like this?”
Yan Laixi’s body stiffened slightly. He didn’t say yes, but he didn’t remove Chi Fu’s hands either.
That meant tacit approval.
Chi Fu felt that if he fell asleep now, he would surely have a sweet dream, but his biological clock stubbornly kept him awake.
“Laixi, I can’t sleep,” he muttered in a tiny voice. “You still haven’t told me what I used to call you.”
“I’m starting to think that if I hadn’t been so casual about the Anomaly thing, and had prepared a bit beforehand, like keeping a diary or something, I could have understood a little about our past from my own perspective. But I couldn’t have guessed I’d get amnesia.”
“Maybe I should start keeping a diary now, just in case this thing not only causes amnesia but also makes me forgetful.”
He decided to act immediately, since he couldn’t sleep anyway. Chi Fu moved in slow motion, first lifting his arms from around Yan Laixi, then keeping them raised as he lifted the quilt and rolled to the side. He crawled to the edge of the bed before slowly getting up and reaching his foot for the slippers on the floor.
“Turn on the light, don’t bump into anything.”
The sudden voice startled Chi Fu. He turned his head and saw Yan Laixi sitting up, leaning against the headboard, looking at him with clear eyes. He didn’t look like he had been woken up by Chi Fu’s movements, which meant he had heard all the self-talk just now.
If he heard it, he heard it. There was nothing he couldn’t hear.
“If you can’t sleep either, you shouldn’t have gone to bed so early.” Since the person was awake, there was no need to sneak around. Chi Fu hopped off the bed, turned on the desk lamp, found a new small notebook, and sat down at the desk with a pen.
“I’m having a bit of insomnia tonight,” Yan Laixi said casually.
“Should I go warm you some milk?” Chi Fu started to get up, but Yan Laixi stopped him.
“Just don’t keep shuffling around behind me,” Yan Laixi said. “Write quickly and come back to sleep.”
Chi Fu uncapped the pen, and lines of writing appeared on the paper. Then he closed the notebook, jumped onto the bed, and without asking again, immediately hugged Yan Laixi.
On the first page, in the upper left corner of the diary resting on the corner of the desk, was today’s date.
“November 7, 2484
Today is an unfortunate day; I forgot my lover. But it is not entirely unfortunate, because I still remember that I love him…”
Yan Laixi felt he couldn’t continue talking. He could feel himself approaching the edge of losing control, and he didn’t want his emotions to affect Chi Fu. Fortunately, by normal standards, it was already very late.
“Alright, it’s getting late. Go to sleep now. I’ll continue telling you tomorrow.”
He got up, grabbed his bath towel and clothes, ignored Chi Fu’s protests, and walked toward the bathroom.
“I’m going to take a shower. You think about whether you want to sleep with me tonight and find yourself a nest.” He didn’t know if Chi Fu truly wanted to sleep with him, or if he was just trying to comfort himself at the time, or if it was a momentary impulse. In any case, he was willing to give the other person a chance to retract his choice.
But Chi Fu said, “Of course I do!”
Yan Laixi closed the bathroom door, took off his clothes, and his tears fell before the water from the showerhead. Surrounded by the sound of the water, Yan Laixi finally dared to let out suppressed sobs. They had to be quiet; he couldn’t be discovered.
Chi Fu was the one with amnesia. Yan Laixi knew his reaction was irrational, but he was truly terrified.
Yan Laixi told himself that Chi Fu just didn’t remember him; he didn’t dislike him, he wasn’t trying to draw a line between them. Everything was the same as before, he just didn’t remember. They just needed to spend more time together. New memories would be made, and it was only a matter of time before everything returned to how it was.
But the tears wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t even articulate what he was sad about or what he was afraid of. He just felt like crying.
He showered for a long time, spending most of it crying. The remaining small portion was spent quickly tidying himself up and gathering his emotions. Finally, after confirming in the mirror that there were no visible signs of crying, he opened the door and returned to the bedroom.
Chi Fu seemed to possess a kind of magic. Just seeing him could brighten Yan Laixi’s mood. Although he still felt a lump in his chest, he was stable enough now.
Chi Fu was curled up between the two pillows, watching him. Yan Laixi asked, “What are you doing?”
“Looking at you. You’re so beautiful.” Chi Fu was never stingy with his compliments, in all aspects and at all times. Yan Laixi wasn’t someone unused to praise; based on looks alone, countless people had complimented him since childhood. Even so, Chi Fu’s compliments always caught him off guard.
The directness of the current statement didn’t make his face feel hot, but Chi Fu’s dazed look made him feel a little helpless: “I mean, what is this? Building a nest?”
Chi Fu: “Building a den.”
He had indeed told Chi Fu to find a nest for himself.
“There’s only one quilt out here, so I could only build a small one. If I get in, you won’t have any space,” Chi Fu said. “So I built a simple one for myself.”
He really did need to get another quilt out. Yan Laixi was speechless for a moment. He waved his hand, telling Chi Fu to shower, and started to look for the quilt they would need later. Just as he opened the cabinet door, Chi Fu grabbed him.
“Can’t we just share one quilt?” Chi Fu asked. “It saves us from having to fold one quilt, right?”
The excuse was so well-crafted that Yan Laixi almost suspected this person was a diligent child who folded his quilt every day before he met him.
“The only time we ever fold a quilt is when we put a dry one back in the cabinet. We’ve never folded them otherwise.”
“Well, it saves us from having to wash one less quilt.”
Chi Fu stood behind him, reaching out to close the cabinet door. His entire body pressed against Yan Laixi’s back, then quickly moved away as he ran to the bathroom.
“Anyway, I want to share a quilt with you!”
Yan Laixi was momentarily stunned by the sudden physical contact, but he wasn’t blind. He saw Chi Fu go in empty-handed.
He folded the bath towel and a set of pajamas Chi Fu rarely wore, which he found in the closet, and placed them by the bathroom door.
The pajamas they usually wore were matching or sets. It was better to change them.
On the bed in the bedroom, the pillows had been arranged by Chi Fu before his shower. The nest made of the quilt was still there. Chi Fu said it was for him.
Yan Laixi turned off the overhead light in the bedroom, left a small lamp on for Chi Fu, got into bed, and curled up inside the quilt den. He left the door ajar so he could hear the sounds from the bathroom.
The sound of the shower stopped. Yan Laixi turned over and lay down, shaking out the quilt. He lay on his side, facing away from the door, close to the edge of the bed.
The footsteps behind him were very light, slow, probably because Chi Fu thought he was asleep.
The mattress dipped slightly. The quilt was gently lifted. Chi Fu was lying some distance away from him. Yan Laixi glanced at his forearm resting on the edge of the bed. The space he left should be enough.
“Laixi,” he heard Chi Fu whisper, “Are you asleep?”
Yan Laixi didn’t know if Chi Fu hoped he was asleep or awake. After waiting a moment, there was no further movement behind him, so he figured Chi Fu wasn’t waiting for him to fall asleep to do something. He replied, “What is it?”
Chi Fu asked if he had woken him up, and if he could move closer.
Yan Laixi was confused at first, then felt a slight tug from the other end of the quilt and realized the blanket might not be long enough.
Chi Fu moved over, then moved back a little, asking him to move inward, perhaps afraid of crowding him. Yan Laixi used the movement to pull more of the quilt over to Chi Fu’s side.
After settling down again, Chi Fu asked if he could press against him.
Yan Laixi didn’t think much of it. They usually slept pressed together. The room was warm, and they didn’t often cover themselves properly with the quilt anyway. He just assumed the quilt might feel a bit short if they slept like that.
Through two layers of fabric, an arm pressed against his back. Chi Fu spoke again: “Can I hug you?”
Yan Laixi thought for a while and concluded that Chi Fu wanted a separate quilt but was too embarrassed to go back on his word after insisting they share one. Even though the indoor temperature was definitely not cold, he still said, “If you’re cold, go get a quilt from the cabinet.”
But Chi Fu said he wasn’t cold.
“I just want to hug you. Is that not allowed?”
“It’s not that it’s not allowed…”
It’s not that I don’t want to, but won’t you feel awkward?
Regardless, Yan Laixi couldn’t convince himself that the amnesiac Chi Fu felt no resistance toward him or their relationship.
Arms wrapped around his waist, the nape of his neck tickled by hair, the familiar embrace now made Yan Laixi feel a little uncomfortable. If Chi Fu was only considering his feelings, only trying to comfort him with actions, was it necessary to go this far?
They lay pressed together for a long time. Yan Laixi heard Chi Fu say in an even smaller voice, “Laixi, I can’t sleep.”
He was about to reply when he heard Chi Fu continue, “You still haven’t told me what I used to call you.”
Yan Laixi didn’t move, continuing to listen to him talk to himself until the arm around his waist moved away.
Chi Fu’s movements were very light, extremely light, much lighter than when he got into bed after his shower. He didn’t turn on the light. Yan Laixi, afraid he might bump into something, spoke up to let him know he wasn’t asleep.
He sat up, leaning against the headboard, watching Chi Fu find a small notebook, uncap his pen, and write in his diary. The bad feeling surged up again in his heart.
A very familiar feeling—the feeling of loss.
After Chi Fu finished writing, he didn’t ask again. He turned off the light and immediately hugged Yan Laixi, lying down without giving him a chance to turn his back again.
His eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness. Yan Laixi looked at Chi Fu’s face for a long time, long enough to be sure Chi Fu was sound asleep. Then he quietly slipped out of the embrace, slid onto the floor barefoot, and propped his head up by the side of the bed.
The floor was a little cool, which helped Yan Laixi wake up a bit. He didn’t dare to fall asleep right now.
He was afraid that when he woke up, he would face Chi Fu’s unfamiliar gaze again. It was only one night. He could endure it.
A sliver of sunlight shone through the gap in the blackout curtains. The outside world gradually grew noisy. Yan Laixi had been sitting there the whole time, his eyes struggling to stay open. His consciousness began to blur. He wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep in between. He thought he saw Feng Su, or maybe he just suddenly thought of him. It wasn’t until there was movement on the bed that Yan Laixi sat up straight, his heart pounding rapidly.