TSIBAMS Chapter 111
by VolareHe had never imagined that he would so resolutely turn over the trash cans at his doorstep on New Year’s Eve. His momentum was so fierce that even the stray cats and dogs in the neighborhood, who had long coveted the trash cans, had to retreat.
Occasionally, a few little kids, running and jumping while playing with firecrackers, couldn’t help but slow down to look at him.
Ye Xing glared back, his expression seemingly saying, “If you dare throw a firecracker at the trash cans, you’re dead.”
Then, he continued to turn over one trash can after another.
Fortunately, even though the city had not yet implemented garbage sorting, the neighborhood had consciously separated several trash cans and labeled them accordingly. The trash cans labeled “kitchen waste” were spared.
Finally, after inspecting almost all the household garbage in the entire building, Ye Xing finally found the notebook he had been dreaming of in a black trash bag.
Ignoring the fact that his hands were already red with cold, he carefully checked each notebook and then trembled as he hugged them to his chest.
“I hope everything goes smoothly this year.” Qi Guang closed his eyes after making a wish and gently placed the lit river lantern into the water. He endured the cold and reached out to push the water, helping the lantern float further away.
Then he looked at another river lantern beside him, lying forlornly in the mud, its wick stubbornly flickering with weak flames.
Qi Guang stared at the flames, lost in thought for a while before picking up the lantern with both hands and closing his eyes.
“May you achieve all your desires.”
He never actually spoke the name, but knew in his heart who this “you” was referring to.
Watching the two river lanterns, one far and one near, floating in the same direction, he inexplicably took out his phone and pressed the shutter button.
Just then, the sky above suddenly exploded with a “bang”—a golden firework bloomed. The night seemed to be torn apart, half of the sky illuminated by the sudden light. Qi Guang looked up at the sound, and then, one after another, fireworks bloomed in succession.
Colorful and dreamlike, they had lived their whole lives for this moment, waiting to be lit up. They flew into the depths of the night with all their might, competing with the stars, even if they couldn’t escape the fate of falling and disappearing silently.
Perhaps he had read a certain collection of poems from his grandfather’s bookshelf; at this moment, Qi Guang’s mind was filled with the line “How can flowers be born again upon flowers, how can dreams be born again upon dreams?”
Although it wasn’t his first time watching fireworks, each time was still quite shocking.
He raised his phone, aimed at the most dazzling part of the sky, and waited for the fireworks to bloom together before quickly pressing the shutter.
Then, he opened WeChat.
This subconscious urge to share with someone made him feel a little lost.
Qi Guang scoffed softly, as if mocking himself. He then closed the WeChat window, opened Weibo, uploaded both the firework and river lantern photos, and sent it without even editing any text.
He didn’t have a habit of recording his life on social media. But at this moment, he was determined to save the photos somewhere.
At least it would seem like it, and reduce the loneliness inherent in the scene of watching fireworks alone.
“Mom, let’s have a good talk.” Ye Xing closed the front door, still slightly out of breath.
“Did you find your things?” Fang Rong’s eyes were red. She looked at him expressionlessly and then turned back towards the television. “If you found them, sit down and rest. Watch TV.”
“Can you not touch my stuff in the future?” Ye Xing walked over and sat down beside her.
But it was clear that Fang Rong had no intention of replying.
He didn’t know how Fang Rong’s mood had managed to recover from intense to calm in the short fifteen minutes he’d spent rummaging through the trash. But at this moment, he was determined that he couldn’t let this matter drop so easily this time.
“Those notes are very important to me.” Ye Xing cut to the chase. “First of all, you know my grades are not good. The college entrance exam simulations designed for students with a solid foundation are not suitable for me at all. And these notes are tailored to my needs and are the most suitable for me.”
Fang Rong’s expression was not pleasant; she stared fixedly at the television.
Ye Xing was still panting, “Second, the person who organized these notes for me is also very important. I don’t think I need to introduce him too much. His name is Qi…”
“Shut up!” Fang Rong suddenly yelled.
“Mom!” Ye Xing’s voice was almost pleading, “You clearly know everything, why can’t we talk properly? Why are you so stubborn?”
“What do you want to talk about during the New Year? What exactly do you want to talk about?” Fang Rong’s voice lowered in volume, but sounded even more strained. “Ye Xing, listen to your mother, break off contact with those people. I don’t ask anything else of you.”
“Why?” Ye Xing asked, “Why does it have to be like this?”
“I also want to know how you’ve become like this…” Fang Rong grabbed his hand, “Why can’t you be obedient like before? Everyone was happy, wasn’t it good?”
“I haven’t changed. I just…”
As if sensing that he was about to say the words she feared to hear, Fang Rong interrupted him somewhat nervously, “Don’t say that nonsense! Just tell me you’ll be obedient and won’t hang out with those people again!”
Ye Xing’s lips were tightly shut, and he sniffed uncomfortably.
“Talk! Promise me!” Fang Rong was almost crying, “Why have you become like this now? Don’t you love your mom anymore?”
“Mom, I love you,” Ye Xing looked up, solemnly gazing at her, “But, just like Li Ke, I also like guys.”
As if mocking them, the senseless skit on TV was reaching its happy ending. Festive music played, and the actors clenched their fists and passed on blessings.
The lively scene collided with the stagnant cold air in the living room, like a balloon entering a cactus garden, threatening to explode any second.
Ye Xing didn’t feel relieved for finally opening up; an emotion of self-blame and helplessness intertwined, as if he had anticipated Fang Rong’s reaction. His eyes quickly reddened.
“Why do you have to tell me this? Why do you have to tell me this during the New Year!”
As expected, Fang Rong trembled as she finished speaking, and finally couldn’t hold back her tears.
Even if she couldn’t face this truth, always running away, always pretending not to know, she couldn’t secretly turn the page.
“You’ve always known, haven’t you?” Ye Xing grabbed a tissue box and handed her a couple of tissues, “Why are you avoiding the issue? We should have talked about it a long time ago.”
“What’s there to talk about? Is it glorious?” Fang Rong looked at him, pushing his shoulders with her hands while accusing him, “Aren’t you ashamed? Aren’t you ashamed? Aren’t you ashamed? If you aren’t ashamed, I’m ashamed for you! As long as you stay away from those people, you’ll definitely go back to normal!”
Ye Xing clutched the notebooks tightly; the veins on the back of his hand bulged, but he didn’t notice the pain.
He sat upright on the sofa, letting her vent.
Not to mention these pushes that were harmless to him, even if Fang Rong slapped him at this moment, he could only hug her and apologize.
Sorry, I made you feel ashamed.
Sorry, I couldn’t become the good son who could make you proud.
But these were all unchangeable facts.
It wasn’t until Fang Rong stopped moving that Ye Xing spoke, “I am not abnormal, Mom. You’re too anxious. Don’t you realize your state has been very bad lately? After the New Year, can I go to the hospital with you for a check-up? Don’t torture yourself anymore.”
He didn’t know which word touched Fang Rong’s sensitive nerves. She stared directly at him, “Don’t yell at me.”
“I didn’t, don’t get agitated.” Ye Xing was helpless. He frowned and lowered his voice to the lowest level.
Fang Rong wiped away her tears, blew her nose, and picked up the remote control. She turned up the TV volume by two notches, then turned back towards the TV, determined to escape from this topic.
“Watch TV! It’s the New Year!”
He knew that Fang Rong had become somewhat biased and extreme lately. To avoid irritating her, he could only bite his lip and try his best to swallow all the words he wanted to say.
Ten days later, at the local mental health center, Ye Xing looked at the “Zung Self-Rating Anxiety Scale Assessment Report” in his hand with some confusion.
From top to bottom were the time, department, score…
Under the score was written “The subject currently has moderate anxiety symptoms,” and further down was Fang Rong’s name.
Although he had expected this result, it was still quite upsetting.
Walking through the long corridor, meeting countless numb gazes, he saw Fang Rong sitting upright by the door, her hands neatly folded on her lap, but her head was looking around.
Although she wasn’t surprised or resistant about Ye Xing’s silent booking with the doctor, and fully cooperated with the doctor’s questions and tests, Ye Xing was very aware of how nervous she had been all morning.
She was so nervous that it felt like they had swapped roles. Ye Xing never thought that he would become the one running around to register, queue, and pay while being with Fang Rong. Meanwhile, Fang Rong, who should have been doing all that, was like a clueless girl, following closely behind.
“Mom.” Ye Xing spoke softly, his voice still a bit hoarse.
Despite that, Fang Rong still seemed to have been startled slightly, shrinking her shoulders. But when she turned around, her face was still full of gentleness, “Did you get the report?”
“Yeah,” Ye Xing sniffed and went over to support her. “I’ll go in with you.”
“I’ll go by myself.” Fang Rong refused resolutely.
Since returning from Chen Town, he had long adapted to Fang Rong’s capricious temper. As usual, he indulged her and didn’t insist.
“Okay, have a good talk with the doctor, I’ll go with you to get your medicine later.” Ye Xing handed the report to her.
Fang Rong took the sheet while getting up and clearly paused when she saw the contents.
Ye Xing was afraid that her emotions would collapse. Just as he was about to say something, she sped up her movement and went straight into the consultation room.
When did it start?
Ye Xing collapsed onto the long chair, feeling as limp as a ball of cotton. He felt a stuffiness in his throat, a suffocating discomfort.
When did it start that Fang Rong’s spirit became so fragile? Sometimes she was like a nagging Xianglin’s Wife, neurotic; other times, she seemed indifferent to everything.
Looking back, it should have been almost a year.
From when she insisted on sending him to Chen Town, from when she decided to face the huge changes alone.
But she had been disguising it too well, so that Ye Xing hadn’t noticed anything amiss in their phone calls. Only this time, the fact that her son was gay had unfortunately become the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
Or maybe it was more than just a straw.