MNL Chapter 63

Chapter 63: True Feelings, Suicide?

If Jiang Pei hadn’t sent a message the night before, Shen Yan wouldn’t have known until now that the “Struggling Puppets” were the band Jiang Pei was in. He wasn’t interested in performances in the first place, and with his relationship with Xu Jing being tense these past few days, he was even less in the mood. But after hearing about it, Jiang Pei told him that this was an opportunity to break the cold war.

Shen Yan always acted decisively and never changed for anyone, but every time something related to Xu Jing came up, his principles would easily crumble.

So, with a skeptical attitude, he still came.

Jiang Pei’s voice was versatile, and the songs she sang could be both sentimental and tear-jerking, as well as ignite the entire audience. Coupled with the addition of four handsome guys, the venue was still full of energy and passion for a full three hours. When she sang the last song, Jiang Pei took off her headset and walked to the center of the stage. The smoke dissipated, and as the dazzling and changing ambient lights dimmed, the other four put down their instruments and stood beside her one after another.

“I really like singing, it’s my passion, my dream. I’ve suffered a lot for it, walked a long road, and put in a lot of effort that others can’t see, but I don’t regret it, because I always believe in one sentence: love is all the reason and the answer. To be honest, my grades weren’t good when I was a kid, and sometimes I’m quite envious of you guys with good grades. Studying is a very important path in life, but it’s not the only path. No matter what the final result is, I hope you don’t be discouraged and don’t be disappointed in yourselves. Youth has no price, the world is at your feet! Finally, on behalf of the Struggling Puppets, I wish every little friend here all their dreams come true and good luck on the college entrance exam!”

The audience was quiet for a moment, followed by a burst of thunderous applause, interspersed with the sounds of sobbing.

This is not the only path, they have already gone far, how many nights buried in hard study, sleepless nights crying for grades, all of it, just to be proven in June.

When leaving, many people had traces of crying on their faces. Xu Jing was actually distracted throughout the entire performance, except for the last paragraph Jiang Pei said. He definitely wouldn’t have felt anything before, but just now, he really felt a little touched in his heart.

The people around had almost left, Xu Jing turned around and was about to leave when he looked up and met those familiar, beautiful eyes again.

The emotions in Shen Yan’s eyes were unclear, as if he had been standing quietly not far away watching him for a long time. Xu Jing subconsciously wanted to escape, but the other party had already walked over.

“Jiang Pei said, let’s have a late-night snack together later.”

“Maybe not.”

He was very confused now and didn’t know how to face Shen Yan at all, but realizing that the other party didn’t say anything, he couldn’t help but ask, “Are you going?”

Shen Yan said directly, “I want you to go with me.”

He immediately interrupted Xu Jing’s thought of politely refusing again.

“Let’s go, we’ll wait for them outside the school.”

Shen Yan’s tone was very light, but Xu Jing could hear a bit of entreaty, and he really couldn’t bring himself to say the word “nevermind.”

The two walked slowly across the playground.

“You’ve been avoiding me lately.”

Xu Jing’s heart tightened suddenly, and he whispered, “No.”

“I know the reason, Xu Jing, I know you very well, you know that.”

Shen Yan’s voice was very calm, but it was this calmness that made Xu Jing’s heart a mess.

“I’m sorry.”

“No need,” Shen Yan said. “No matter what you do, you don’t need to apologize to me.”

“Shen Yan.”

“Yeah, tell me.”

“Sometimes I really hate myself. I don’t seem to know what I’m thinking, and I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong, but I feel like I’m very selfish.”

After hearing the class jeer and mock Cha Fei’ang for being gay that day, his heart seemed to be in chaos all of a sudden. Cha Fei’ang was fake, but he and Shen Yan were real. If it really came to light one day, what would Qin Xin and Xu Huaiyang do when they found out, and what would he and Shen Yan do? In that moment, he thought too much, so much so that when facing Shen Yan’s sudden approach, he subconsciously chose to escape.

“It’s not like that, Xu Jing, it’s just that you have too many things to consider. This is a good thing. Like me, I don’t need to.”

Shen Yan’s tone was very gentle, without a hint of blame. Xu Jing felt even worse after hearing it. It was clearly his own cowardice and timidity that hurt the other party, but in the end, he became the one being comforted.

Shen Yan stopped and turned to look at Xu Jing, suddenly asking, “Do you like me?”

Xu Jing blurted out, without a moment’s hesitation, “I like you, I like you very much.”

Xu Jing’s voice was like the way he did things, always unhurried, as if nothing could disrupt his rhythm, but just now, he said it in a panic, very anxiously, like a child who had done something wrong and was eager to prove himself.

“I heard your confession, desk mate.”

Xu Jing was filled with guilt, his mind full of how to prove that he liked Shen Yan very much. Hearing this, he was completely dumbfounded.

“…Huh?”

Shen Yan just laughed, and was about to speak when a loud female voice came from behind him, interrupting him directly, “Why are you two walking so slowly? Didn’t we say we were meeting outside the school?”

The warm atmosphere was instantly broken by the five people who arrived. Shen Yan’s tone revealed his displeasure as he turned his head and said coldly, “You came just in time.”

“Oh, your school’s kids are too enthusiastic, they’re all gathered there asking for autographs.” Realizing that she seemed to have ruined Shen Yan’s good thing, Jiang Pei smiled even more happily.

“Don’t even mention it, these little girls are really too energetic, my hands are about to fall off.” The guy standing to Jiang Pei’s left said as he shook his hand, “By the way, Goddess, aren’t you going to introduce us first?”

“Oh, I forgot, come, let me introduce you. This is Shen Yan, my younger brother. Although we’re not related by blood, he’s better than a real brother. This next to him is Xu Jing, my brother’s male… well, friend, friend.”

As soon as the words fell, Shen Yan felt a gaze linger on him. He turned his head and met the eyes of the man to Jiang Pei’s right.

“Hello, my name is DINO, they all call me Little Di.”

“That’s right, Little Di the bassist, a mixed-race of Chinese, English, and Thai descent. You can tell by his appearance.” Jiang Pei pointed to the man on the far right and said, “This is Jian Mo, our guitarist, his name suits him, he’s a very quiet handsome guy. This is Baron, the drummer, eight-pack abs, we all like to call him Big Muscle. And this cold and aloof male god to my right, Ling Yan, our keyboardist.”

“Anyway, you guys will get to know each other as you chat. Let’s find a place to eat first, I’m starving, let’s go, let’s chat while we eat.”

“What about your image, Goddess?” DINO said.

“I’m starving to death, who cares about image.”

“Makes sense, so who’s paying?”

“Nonsense, does that even need to be said? Whoever has the most money here is paying.”

“Hehehe, then it’s definitely our Brother Ling Yan.” DINO shamelessly leaned on Ling Yan, but Ling Yan directly took two steps back and said coldly, “Let’s go.”

DINO curled his lips, dissatisfied, “Big Ice Cube.”

In the end, they chose a relatively less crowded upscale restaurant. Along the way, Jiang Pei and DINO didn’t stop talking. Baron would occasionally chat with Jian Mo. Jian Mo was gentle and his voice was the same. Although he didn’t talk much, he responded to every sentence. As for Ling Yan, he was a true cold man. Except for briefly answering Jiang Pei’s questions, he didn’t even have an expression towards anyone else.

Although the five had changed into casual clothes and wore masks, many people were still looking this way along the way. For safety’s sake, they chose to go to a private room.

Jiang Pei patted Shen Yan and Xu Jing on the shoulders and said, “Order whatever you want, Ling Yan’s family owns a chain of hotels, dozens of houses by the sea, the last thing he’s short of is money.”

In terms of money, actually everyone in the room combined, except for Ling Yan, couldn’t compare to Shen Yan, but Shen Yan was low-key and didn’t like to show off, even Jiang Pei and Xu Jing didn’t know how much assets Zhong Yiqiu had left behind.

Although not many people talked much, with the presence of Jiang Pei and DINO, the atmosphere was relatively harmonious throughout the meal, but the two drank more and more vigorously, and finally finished a whole case of beer, and no one could stop them.

Leaving the restaurant, Jian Mo got into Baron’s car. DINO was so drunk that he clung to Ling Yan, but Ling Yan’s gaze remained on Jiang Pei.

“I’ll take her home,” Shen Yan said to Ling Yan.

Ling Yan coldly sized up Shen Yan, and after a long while, said the longest sentence he’d said all day, “Thank you.”

Jiang Pei’s home was nearby, originally a ten-minute walk, but because Jiang Pei kept acting crazy from the alcohol, it had been half an hour and they were still in the same place, causing Shen Yan and Xu Jing a lot of trouble.

Fortunately, it was late at night and there weren’t many cars on the road. They only needed to make sure Jiang Pei didn’t fall and didn’t have to worry about her being hit by a car.

Jiang Pei swayed back and forth in an S-curve, as if she was about to fall to the ground in the next second. Even so, she wouldn’t let them help her, sometimes sitting on the stone stool by the roadside without saying a word, and sometimes walking to the trash can and singing loudly, occasionally muttering swear words.

“Damn, I’m finally getting somewhere.”

“Who said I can only sing in bars in this lifetime, those people should… should open their dog eyes and take a good look, am I good enough or not!” Jiang Pei stopped halfway through cursing, and stopped, her big eyes staring straight at Shen Yan, saying, “You tell me, am I good enough?”

Shen Yan turned his head and didn’t bother to answer, Jiang Pei instantly got anxious, stomping her feet as if she was about to cry, “Am I good enough!”

Shen Yan really had no choice but to reply, “Yes.”

“What about you?” Jiang Pei looked at Xu Jing.

“Yes.”

Hearing the satisfactory answer, Jiang Pei smiled again, her delicate and small face flushed, her eyes curved like crescent moons.

Shen Yan had already lost his patience and said, “Jiang Pei, stop fooling around, let’s go home.”

“I’m not fooling around, am I, aren’t we on our way home.” Jiang Pei’s voice was choked up, she was silent for less than two seconds, and then began to walk backwards, squinting and scanning back and forth between Shen Yan and Xu Jing.

“So good.”

Xu Jing was a little confused by her look and asked, “What’s so good?”

“You two, so good, just like Baron and Jian Mo in our team.”

“Unlike me, no one likes me.” As she spoke, Jiang Pei lowered her eyes, her voice suddenly becoming a little indistinct, as if she was saying it to herself, “Yeah, who would really like me.”

The previous sentence answered Xu Jing’s doubts, he had seen Baron pick up food for Jian Mo more than once while eating, and the people around seemed to be used to it.

“They’re gay,” Shen Yan said.

These three words came out of Shen Yan’s mouth so easily, as if he didn’t need to think, Xu Jing was still a little uncomfortable, but this time he hid it.

“You noticed too?”

“Jiang Pei said they’ve been together for four years.”

Jiang Pei’s brain was sluggish, she just replied to whatever she heard, and didn’t bother to organize her words. At this time, she changed her previous disappointment and became excited again, “What’s wrong with being gay, it’s not like… it’s not like murder, arson, or heinous crimes, what’s violating ethics, natural laws, it’s all bullshit. You two remember, whoever dares to say a bad word about you, I’ll fight them to the death.” Although Jiang Pei spoke intermittently, her voice was firm and powerful, but she only lasted three seconds before suddenly showing a troubled expression. In front of the two handsome faces, she squatted down and started throwing up.

If the other party wasn’t Jiang Pei, Shen Yan and Xu Jing would have left long ago, why would they be on the street at midnight accompanying a female drunkard having a tantrum? Shen Yan gave Xu Jing a few napkins and said, “You watch her here, I’ll go buy some medicine.”

Xu Jing had never had any sympathetic feelings for women, maybe it was because Jiang Pei’s words of defending them had resonated with him, so he had to endure the unpleasant smell of vomit, walked to Jiang Pei’s side, handed her the paper, and said, “Wipe yourself.”

Jiang Pei was about to reach out to take it when she heard the voice, but when she looked up, she couldn’t help but vomit again, and even some yellow liquid splashed on Xu Jing’s shoes.

Xu Jing’s cleanliness was paramount, he suppressed the urge to hit someone and stuffed the paper into Jiang Pei’s hand, walking to the side to calm down.

Jiang Pei vomited until she was dizzy, and it took a long time to get a little better. She looked around and found that Xu Jing was at least ten meters away from her. Without thinking, the drunk stumbled over.

“Xu Jing, do you know what kind of person my brother is?”

The word “brother” made Xu Jing angry again but he couldn’t leave.

Jiang Pei didn’t care whether the other party answered or not, and said to herself, “Don’t look at him being cold and mean on the surface, he’s actually a very insecure person.”

Xu Jing had always known this, this was Shen Yan’s way of protecting himself.

“He used to have everything, but after Aunt Zhong left, he had nothing.”

“In his heart, we and you are always different, you are his hope of living in this world.”

After hearing this, Xu Jing couldn’t say what he felt in his heart, he only felt that the guilt was even stronger. He had never thought that he would be someone’s hope of living, this was no longer just a matter of liking, but was given a supreme power.

“He tried to commit suicide many times before, do you know that?”

“What?”

Xu Jing felt that his ears were aching from the impact of these two words, he couldn’t even connect this matter with Shen Yan, how could someone who looked so strong choose to commit suicide.

“Anyway, treat him well, don’t let him down.”

Jiang Pei’s words ended abruptly. Xu Jing wanted to ask more about the suicide, but he heard a voice in his ear.

“Let’s go, take her home.”

Maybe she was tired from all the trouble, Jiang Pei finally became peaceful, not saying a word on the way back, just walking quietly, being very well-behaved.

After they sent her back, Jiang Pei went to bed and fell asleep. Shen Yan gave the bag of medicine to Jiang Pei’s grandfather, explained some precautions, and then left with Xu Jing.