MCDWTBS Chapter 63

Chapter 63 “You have every reason to be angry…”

Edwin knew that compared to emotionally rich male insectoids, female insectoids and sub-males were inherently not allowed to develop too delicately and sensitively. Military females were particularly known for being cold, hard, and wooden, so they were usually extremely disliked by male insectoids.

And his little male master, among all the male insectoids, was a paragon of emotional richness, delicacy, and gentleness. Edwin had never seen an insectoid more adept at expressing emotions than Serra. Under Serra’s influence, he had gradually begun to comprehend emotions he had never thought about or encountered before, including the “love” Serra spoke of, which was extremely foreign to him.

After being marked by the male insectoid, Edwin even more clearly felt the connection between him and Serra. The male insectoid’s pheromones were a scent, but not entirely just a sensory experience. It was closely linked to the mental sea, permeating every inch of the female insectoid’s body. Edwin sometimes felt that a part of Serra had been left on him through that marking, and he could feel many of the male insectoid’s emotions that he had once ignored.

When Serra was still a hatchling, Edwin had never questioned the hatchling’s love for him. Now, with this layer of connection, he could feel the male insectoid’s care and attention at all times. He knew Serra loved him, more sincerely than all the male insectoids he knew loved female insectoids, but in their complex relationship, this heavy emotion made Edwin feel unable to breathe.

He could feel that his hatchling was desperately protecting him. When he was bedridden, he vaguely felt Serra wanted to keep him in the Duke’s Mansion bedroom, in a safe nest. But this protection made Edwin feel unable to bear it.

He was a military female. He could not become a sub-male or female insectoid who flattered and pleased the male insectoid, dedicating his body, soul, and thoughts entirely to the male insectoid. He deeply loved his hatchling, but he only wanted to protect the hatchling, fight and battle for the hatchling, and create a future he wanted for him, rather than satisfying all the hatchling’s ideas, rather than being called a considerate, gentle, and harmless male parent by the hatchling.

Would he disappoint Serra, his hatchling? He still couldn’t be the male parent Serra wanted. He couldn’t stay in this space filled with the male insectoid’s scent, couldn’t just stay behind the male insectoid, letting his hatchling protect him… After Serra had given him almost everything, he still had the selfish idea of returning to the battlefield and being a military female again. He still wanted to fight, missed his compatriots. He knew he was a terrible male parent, but he just couldn’t hide behind the hatchling, waiting for everything to happen naturally.

Edwin felt lost because of this. He watched the hatchling he had raised suppressing his emotions, felt the male insectoid’s excessive desire to protect. The female insectoid’s duty told him to obey his male insectoid, the male parent’s instinct told him to satisfy his hatchling, but under all identities, he was still Edwin.

Edwin’s male parent was a military female, his compatriots were sacrificing on the battlefield and under the cruel rule of the male insectoids, his marshal was deprived of his wings and tortured to death by the church, and his hatchling almost died at the hands of the church.

Edwin could not sit idly by.

And this made Edwin feel guilty towards his hatchling. Why couldn’t he be a perfect male parent that satisfied the hatchling? Why couldn’t he give his hatchling what he wanted? The hatchling deserved better, but he would only feel suffocated under the hatchling’s overprotection.

Between hurried breaths, Edwin felt the hatchling’s slightly widened eyes, his gaze falling on him with shock and panic, and he knew he shouldn’t have spoken to his hatchling like that. He let his overwhelmed emotions dominate, saying words that hurt the hatchling. In the end, the hatchling’s concealment was only to protect him, wasn’t it? The hatchling had done so much for him—

“I’m sorry, Young Male Master, I—”

“I’m sorry, male parent, I—”

The two insectoids spoke at the same time, and the panic in Serra’s eyes from being exposed gradually faded, revealing a tenderness and a hint of guilt that Edwin couldn’t understand. On the airship, the male insectoid knelt on one knee in front of the black-haired female insectoid, carefully holding his hand.

“—I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

The male insectoid lowered his head, his warm breath falling on the back of Edwin’s hand.

“I promise, I won’t do it again. I just—male parent has experienced too much pain, you are the bravest and most tenacious life I have ever seen, and after I possessed these powers I don’t deserve, I had the illusion that I could block all the dangers from the outside world out of the male parent’s world. My arrogance has already made me pay the price. I almost died at the hands of the church, and now the royal family has once again shown a power that makes me feel threatened, but I’m still incorrigible… I’m really sorry, male parent.”

“I’m too afraid of you getting hurt. I know you can bear it, but I’m afraid.”

In Edwin’s gaze, the male insectoid’s broad shoulders were wrapped in luxurious formal attire, his epaulettes and emblems shining brightly. His limbs were slender, and even humble and careful movements were done freely and gracefully. It was not difficult to see that the Mother Goddess really had some partiality, she had piled almost all the beautiful qualities on her son, strength, appearance, noble character… Such a Serra could almost make any insectoid submit.

But Serra’s body was trembling slightly. He wasn’t lying, he was really afraid. His breathing carried a palpable tremor, making the female insectoid’s heart inexplicably ache.

“Young Male Master, don’t—” Edwin felt extremely distressed, and repented for his inexplicable outburst earlier. Yes, the hatchling’s concealment and blind protection made him feel unbearable, making it difficult to breathe, but how could that be the hatchling’s fault? How could he say harsh words to the hatchling? The hatchling only wanted to protect him, only loved him. Not even the Mother Goddess could punish a hatchling for protecting his male parent.

He felt ashamed of himself:

“I was wrong, I shouldn’t have said those words. I know you want to protect me, you want to protect all insectoids, I just—I’m not used to being protected behind you, I’m just not used to it.”

Edwin said blankly, reaching out to stroke the male insectoid’s curly hair, letting the male insectoid’s head rest on his lap.

Hearing Edwin’s apology, Serra’s heart trembled violently. He could of course take the opportunity to obtain the female insectoid’s apology, and even more turbulent and profound love after the apology. He had countless reasons to do so. Edwin would be more considerate of him out of guilt. He would guide Edwin to stay in a safe place, bearing his heavy love and expectations, bearing the sweet burden of a male parent—becoming the hatchling’s home, becoming the hatchling’s backing and haven.

He could make Edwin his, do what he wanted Edwin to do. And this didn’t even need to involve physical or mental violence, it didn’t count as imprisonment or against his will—for the sake of loving him, Edwin would convince himself.

You see, teaching a confused life who has never come into contact with the concept of love what love is, is a tempting thing, a double-edged sword. Because human nature is selfish, love is never just sunshine and rain.

It can tailor a thriving life into any desired form, those unspoken controls, manipulations, and white lies in the name of love, those obscure oppressions that are more unforgettable and more irresistible than straightforward violence, reducing radiant lives to mediocre and gentle means, will only make onlookers applaud and praise the greatness of love.

Serra knew more.

“Male parent, don’t apologize for my mistakes.”

The male insectoid raised a pair of tired eyes, looking directly into Edwin’s confused and guilty blue eyes:

“You have every reason to be angry, male parent, because I want to control you, I want to keep you away from the battlefield, to always hide behind me, to allow me to protect you endlessly, isolating all the voices from the outside world. And you don’t want this, I know.”

Serra didn’t look away. He watched Edwin’s pupils tremble, unsure if his confession would cause Edwin to lose some of his affection for him, if it would disappoint Edwin, but since he had chosen to confess, he had to do it thoroughly.

This was the respect and honesty he should give Edwin, because Edwin deserved it, because that was the true essence of love—no concealment, no control, no deprivation of freedom.

“I love you, male parent, but love is not an excuse for me to do all this. I want you to leave the quagmire, I want to lie to you, I want you to never spread your wings and return to the battlefield, I want you to be safe. To this end, I am willing to control you, perhaps using my male insectoid physiological advantages, perhaps using lies and guidance, to keep you forever within my reach, to keep you forever under my tendrils.”

“When you are under my control, I will feel satisfied, and this is not because I can really ensure your safety—the battle with the church that happened not long ago has already made me understand my superficiality and stupidity about power—but because the act of controlling you itself satisfies me. It makes me sure you are mine, and will never leave me.”

“When these possessive desires are wrapped in the guise of love, it makes you feel confused, but you know, male parent, you don’t want to be controlled by me, no life should be controlled, deprived of the right to choose, love… it’s not entirely good, is it?”

The male insectoid smiled self-deprecatingly, and apologized to the female insectoid again: “I’ve never told male parent these things, maybe it’s because I have a guilty conscience. I describe love as a beautiful thing, a reason to live, haha, but I actually know clearly its two sides, and I also know my own mediocrity. I can enter male parent’s eyes only because of being in the right place at the right time. I’m afraid—afraid that male parent will leave me, afraid that one day male parent will choose not to want me. I’m not even sure how much desire and fear, and my reason and judgment, each accounted for in my heart when I marked you—when I committed the mistake.”

Serra spoke the last sentence very softly. He knew that marking was a taboo topic for them. He had committed an irreparable crime, and the last thing he should do was mention it in front of Edwin, who was bearing the consequences, after Edwin clearly wanted to ignore the marking. However, somewhere in his heart, Serra knew that Edwin hadn’t really completely ignored the marking either.

He knew Edwin cared too, and he couldn’t let Edwin think wildly alone, taking unwarranted mistakes upon himself. He couldn’t escape everything in the past like a hatchling in the female parent’s indulgence, he had to bear what he had done.

Sure enough, Edwin’s body trembled. The female insectoid didn’t speak, his blue eyes trembled gently, clear and transparent. The previous bewilderment faded away. He stretched out a fair hand, and Serra flinched, ready to be pushed away.

But that hand gently landed on his cheek.