Unmatched Chapter 49

Chapter 49 I Love You

It was as if water-soaked cotton wool was plugging his mind, pressing lightly but persistently on his nerves, blurring his senses and dulling his thoughts.

Zhao Shuyi heard every word Xie Qi said, but he didn’t grasp it; his emotions hadn’t caught up. “What did you say?”

“Don’t worry, she’s already been sent to the hospital.” Xie Qi was afraid of adding insult to his fragile mental state, so he offered comfort first. “It was the nanny’s call. After we left, your mother and your Second Uncle argued a few more words and parted unhappily. Then she went back to her room to rest. When the nanny knocked on the door for something and got no response, she pushed the door open and found… she had slit her wrists.”

“…”

“Fortunately, the bleeding was stopped in time, and there’s a chance for rescue.”

Xie Qi changed direction and drove toward the hospital.

Zhao Shuyi didn’t say a word, and his expression showed no obvious change, but his breathing rate accelerated. Suppressed beneath his silence was what seemed like sadness, anger, or some other undefined emotion, radiating a painful intensity that tightened Xie Qi’s heart. He instinctively called out, “Zhao Shuyi?”

“Hm.” He responded. “I’m fine.”

What could be wrong? Zhao Shuyi thought. He wasn’t worried, he didn’t care—what was the meaning of slitting her wrists? Who was she trying to threaten? Did she think it would work on him? If she truly wanted to die, she should jump off a building, pick a high floor, and there would definitely be no chance of rescue.

But he couldn’t bear to dwell on the scene the nanny described. It was as if the cut wrist was his own; both his hands were experiencing phantom pain, with scalding blood flowing out.

Zhao Shuyi abruptly pulled his hands back, tucking them under his jacket, and suddenly felt intensely nauseous.

A familiar urge to vomit surged up. He told Xie Qi to stop the car, hastily opened the door, and bent over the roadside snow, retching for a long time—but nothing came up.

Cold wind poured into his sleeves, making him shiver uncontrollably. Xie Qi helped him tighten his jacket and forcibly pressed him back into the car.

“How about we forget it? We won’t go to the hospital,” Xie Qi said. “There are doctors and the nanny, and your Second Uncle should have received the news too. If you don’t want to deal with it, we won’t go.”

Zhao Shuyi took a breath and still said, “I’m fine.”

Meaning he wanted to go.

Xie Qi had no choice but to continue driving toward the hospital.

Zhao Shuyi’s condition was visibly poor. Xie Qi even suspected he wouldn’t be able to get out of the car and walk on his own.

But when they arrived at the hospital, after parking, Zhao Shuyi pulled himself together. He put on his usual cold mask of indifference, got out of the car quickly, and walked ahead of Xie Qi. A few seconds later, realizing Xie Qi hadn’t followed, he turned back and took his hand.

This was a sign of dependence, and Zhao Shuyi was past caring about hiding it.

Qin Zhi had been taken to the private hospital they usually used. As a priority client, she was rushed through the emergency channel for treatment. Zhao Shuyi and Xie Qi inquired at the front desk and were directed to the operating room entrance.

A nurse said surgery was underway. The patient’s wound was very deep, with severed tendons, nerve damage, and arterial damage. If not repaired promptly, even if she woke up, she would be left with permanent sequelae that would affect her life.

Zhao Shuyi thanked her. The nurse recognized him and gave a few more instructions, thoughtfully inviting him to wait in the family lounge.

Zhao Shuyi declined and sat down on a nearby chair in the corridor.

Xie Qi’s hand remained tightly grasped by him. He sat down beside him and comforted him, “Don’t be nervous. Since she was sent to the hospital in time, there shouldn’t be any major danger. It’s just that surgical procedures take time. Trust the doctors.”

Zhao Shuyi shook his head slightly. “I’m thinking, what exactly does she want? How far does she need to push me before she’s satisfied?”

Xie Qi was silent for a moment, then squeezed his hand firmly. “Maybe she doesn’t want to push you. Maybe she just made a mistake. She doesn’t know how to do better either.”

“Are you defending her?”

“I just want you to relax.”

“…”

“Relax.” Zhao Shuyi rarely felt that way.

Even if he occasionally felt relaxed for a moment, he would immediately return to his heavy life. Suppression, urgency, and profound responsibility were the cornerstones of his existence.

In truth, Zhao Shuyi knew what people should pursue: love, dreams, freedom, and even establishing a higher purpose—speaking up for the vulnerable, lending a hand to those in dire straits, participating in politics, maintaining social order, making the world a better place…

But all of this felt so far away from him.

Sometimes he felt locked down by family duty, and sometimes he felt unrestrained yet rootless, drifting like duckweed, with nowhere to rest his feet.

—He didn’t have a home.

He had no harbor-like place that would always open its arms to him, allow him to be weak, and give him support.

How much he had once hoped his mother would be that presence. In his rare good dreams, he always recalled her gentle arms, her fragrant hair, her smile. But she always deceived him, hurt him, and abandoned him. Perhaps she loved him, but just not enough.

Everyone was the same; giving even a part of oneself was considered deep affection. How could he demand someone’s entirety?

Zhao Shuyi was not greedy or ungrateful. He was just afraid—though he didn’t want to admit it—he didn’t want there to be even a one percent chance of being abandoned again.

Insecurity was ingrained in his bones, woven into his nightly nightmares. The composure maintained by medication was precarious. He didn’t know what he had done right all these years, or what he had gained?

A familiar figure seemed to walk past him, but Zhao Shuyi’s eyes were unfocused, and he paid no attention. He gripped Xie Qi’s hand, leaned against his shoulder, unconsciously drawing warmth from him, refusing to let Xie Qi leave for even half a step.

The hospital corridor was cold. Xie Qi put his arm around him. “Are you cold? Should we go to the lounge?”

Zhao Shuyi didn’t move.

“You seem to have a fever,” Xie Qi said. “Your face is very hot.”

“I’m fine,” Zhao Shuyi dismissed it. “Maybe I caught a chill just now. I’ll be fine after I sleep.”

No one knew why he insisted on sitting in the corridor, but he refused to leave. Xie Qi took off his own jacket and draped it over him for warmth.

The familiar scent filled his lungs. It felt as if Xie Qi had wrapped his entire being, bringing a strange comfort and security.

In that scent, Zhao Shuyi closed his eyes and unknowingly fell asleep.

He had a bizarre dream.

In the dream, he was the chief surgeon, personally cleaning Qin Zhi’s wound and repairing the damaged artery. Everything on the operating table was so real. He could see the fine wrinkles at the corners of his mother’s eyes. She was crying, saying it hurt badly. “Why did you cut my hand?”

She even begged for mercy, but Zhao Shuyi was unmoved. “You deserve it.”

He dominated the cruel dream like a cold-blooded creature, but the next second, their positions suddenly swapped, and the person on the operating table became him.

His mother used the scalpel to slice open his artery, judging him coldly, “You deserve it.”

Zhao Shuyi couldn’t move, forced to feel the loss of blood.

Just as he had once imagined, he became a soaked sponge, his body heavy and soft, crushed by the palpable pain, squeezing out tears.

Tears mixed with fresh blood flowed, gradually filling the operating table, flowing onto the floor, submerging everything his nerve endings could reach.

He couldn’t wake up. He was close to death.

If there was still a possibility of calling out for help, he could only think of one name.

“Xie Qi—”

Zhao Shuyi woke up with a start, but the space beside him was empty.

He froze, uncertainly reaching out to touch the spot where Xie Qi had been sitting. It was cold, with no residual warmth.

The night was deep, and the surgery was still ongoing. It was said to take five or six hours, perhaps longer.

Zhao Shuyi’s legs and feet were numb, and he couldn’t stand up. He didn’t know when Xie Qi had left or why he hadn’t said anything.

The nanny wasn’t there, and Zhao Huaicheng wasn’t there either—perhaps he was in the lounge.

Zhao Shuyi sat alone in the hospital corridor, which was otherwise empty. The bleakness of the deep night was colder than frost and heavier than dew. The lingering terror of the nightmare remained, yet the last person who could save him was gone.

Was he still alive?

Had he already died?

He was so disoriented that he suspected his memory was wrong, that Xie Qi hadn’t even come tonight.

—He wasn’t obligated to stay with him anyway.

Zhao Shuyi wanted to stand up and move around, like a normal person. But he still couldn’t move, nor did he know why he needed to pretend to be normal anymore.

His head was spinning, his mind and body trapped by an unprecedented despair. He thought it would be better to just die; living was just endlessly repeating one meaningless day after another.

But his body’s instinct struggled. He still wanted to stand up, wanted to ask Xie Qi where he had gone. Why had he left him here alone?

Didn’t Xie Qi know he was cold, hungry, and desperately needed company?

Did he have to force him to admit, “I can’t live without you,” “I love you,” before he would stay by his side?

Zhao Shuyi’s emotions collapsed. His pale, sickly cheek pressed against the cold wall. Tears flowed down his neck, and he trembled silently.

Before the on-duty nurse noticed anything amiss, Xie Qi returned.

Holding food, cold medicine, and a disposable paper cup filled with hot water, Xie Qi walked back to him and paused. “Zhao Shuyi?”

“…”

Hearing the voice, Zhao Shuyi looked up and saw Xie Qi’s concerned face.

He seemed to suddenly come back to life, vitality rushing back into his limbs, accompanied by a strong sense of shame, sadness, and anger. He violently swung his hand, knocking away the cold medicine and food Xie Qi was holding. Water spilled everywhere.

He didn’t speak, just stared coldly at Xie Qi, as if this were punishment for Xie Qi’s silent departure.

Xie Qi looked bewildered, but was stunned by the tears streaming down Zhao Shuyi’s face.

“You’re just like her,” Zhao Shuyi said. “You want to force me too, to make me yield and obey.”

“…I didn’t.”

“You did.”

After speaking, Zhao Shuyi belatedly realized that Xie Qi’s jacket was still covering him. The person who had gone out to buy him food and medicine was only wearing a thin shirt, and there was snow on his shoulders.

But the words were already spoken, like water spilled. He couldn’t control his temper; he was still angry, hurt, and resented Xie Qi for leaving him alone for so long.

“What do you want to be satisfied? Do you want to slit your wrists too?” Zhao Shuyi accused him irrationally. “Then why don’t you just kill me first? I don’t want to live anyway.”

“…”

He was talking complete nonsense, and the tears flowed faster.

Xie Qi had never seen him cry like this. He frantically tried to wipe his tears, but Zhao Shuyi grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer.

“You can’t leave without my permission, do you understand?” He wanted to crush Xie Qi’s hand, if he had the strength.

However, his fingers were soft, like water weeds weakly trying to entangle a small boat drifting through their waters, unsure how to keep it there.

“Answer me.” He tilted his head back, his heart aching intensely. If air could transmit emotions, he wished Xie Qi could understand what he wanted to say most right now.

But Xie Qi didn’t understand. Xie Qi was always a bigger fool than him.

“…I love you.” Zhao Shuyi gave up struggling, suddenly inserting the phrase into his disjointed rambling. “I love you, Xie Qi.”

It turned out that love wasn’t that hard to say.

It wasn’t a volcanic eruption, a mountain collapse, or a comet hitting Earth. It was just an ordinary phrase. He said it, and he was still him, still sitting right here.

“I’m talking. Can you hear me?”

“…”

The tears seemed to be gushing from his heart. The whole world was blurry, and he couldn’t see Xie Qi’s expression.

“I can.” Xie Qi suddenly embraced him. “I’m not leaving.”

His face was pressed into Xie Qi’s chest, against the hot skin beneath the shirt. “Haven’t I been here all along? I couldn’t bear to leave even after you chased me away a few times…”

“Is that true?”

“It is.” Xie Qi leaned down and kissed his eyes. “Don’t cry, Zhao Shuyi… You look so pitiful, it’s not like you.”