The Pianist And The Lady[Republic Of China Gl] Chapter 94
byRegret becomes regret
Later, Lan Yuan always comforted herself by saying: Marrying Zhao Wencheng was the best choice at that time.
But she also knew that she was deceiving herself!
There is always some unwillingness hidden in the hearts of mortals, and they have long coveted certain people or items that no longer belong to them.
For example, now, Lan Yuan is sitting next to Zhao Wencheng, listening to Chen Xian playing the song “Paper Kite” on the stage.
It’s been seven years, and the reunion came so suddenly!
She didn’t even use her brain to think about the consequences of interrupting rashly, and went directly to the backstage to find Shen Xian.
Therefore, the only thing that greeted her as a wife was a basin of cold water from Shen Xian.
“Mrs. Zhao is different from the past. She is very prosperous after getting married. A small place like the backstage is not suitable for your rich body!”
“Chen Chen, Chen Chen,” Lan Yuan grabbed Chen Xian’s sleeves and tried her best to explain, “Don’t misunderstand me.”
“Don’t get me wrong? You became a wife and a mother to a child. These are all settled facts.”
Listening to these harsh words, Lan Yuan was unable to refute and left with a sad head.
Unexpectedly, only one day later, they met again at the gate of a school.
She sent Zhao Jing to school, and Shen Xian sent Du Wenshu to school.
That was the first time that Lan Yuan saw a kind expression on Shen Xian’s face. Fortunately, Shen Xian didn’t have a ring on his hand, so Lan Yuan breathed a sigh of relief.
However, I think this child must be extremely loved by Shen Xian.
She had imagined that Shen Xian would be extremely gentle and patient as a mother, just like she is now.
After brewing for a long time, Lan Yuan finally said: “I want to repay you the coffee I owe you, but I drank it by mistake that day.”
On the morning of the charity performance, she came to Hunter’s shop and happened to drink a hand brew made by Shen Xian.
At that time, I felt that the taste was different. It turned out that it contained separation and reunion.
Chen Xian’s sneer and sarcasm were like a knife stuck in her heart. Lan Yuan felt the pain was too much, but she was happy with it.
“Why does Miss Lan think you only owe me a cup of coffee?”
“Is it okay for Miss Lan and I to have coffee together?”
Because sometimes, real pain can give people the courage to live.
Lan Yuan became more frustrated and braver because of Shen Xian’s sarcasm.
She felt that if Shen Xian could torture herself, wouldn’t that mean he had established a new relationship?
Even if we give in step by step, we don’t want to stop abruptly.
Therefore, she found out about Shen Xian from Li Fangqing.
Knowing that Shen Xian was going to Yangzhou to raise funds for a charity performance, she followed him back without stopping.
After so many years, she once again sat in the second-class carriage, just to peek at Shen Xian from six rows away, covering her face with a newspaper.
Shen Xian is still so beautiful and charming, chatting and laughing with his friends, being humorous, and even sharing sweets and bread with the children.
The train is moving forward, and time in Lan Yuan’s heart is going backwards.
This retreat brings us back to eight years ago——
At the end of that year, she took a second-class carriage for the first time. It was also for Shen Xian, and they took the bus to Jinling together.
But the normal state of life is – I want to buy sweet-scented osmanthus and drink it with me, but it turns out that I am a teenager.
Regardless of love or friendship, the wounds that have been worn out cannot be repaired.
Even if there was no injury before, as time goes forward, changes in character, identity, and environment are enough to change everything from what it was before.
After the performance in Yangzhou ended, Lan Yuan met Shen Xian who had fainted backstage.
Selfishness and possessiveness were at work, and she immediately took Shen Xian back to the Lan family.
The moment she hugged Shen Xian in the car, she even imagined that she was a robber who robbed and robbed Shen Xian, hiding Shen Xian in Yangzhou Lan’s house and locking him next to her for the rest of her life.
Maybe Su Wan was right. When she married Zhao Wencheng, she should have brought Shen Xian with her to avoid the pain of separation.
But the reality is that she is not a gangster. Although she is a gangster, she also pays attention to the ethics of a thief. Lan Yuan also has her own reason and thinking.
Especially when Lisa talked about Shen Xian’s seven years of loneliness, which were mixed with joy and sorrow, and the sorrow was greater than the joy, she only hoped that Shen Xian would be happy for the rest of his life.
Even if it means not having myself for the rest of my life, that’s okay!
Yangzhou is in a hurry, Shen Xian is going to Shanghai next
On the way to the train station, Lan Yuan’s eyes would always glance at Shen Xian’s shoulders, and she couldn’t help but think about Shen Xian when he was alone and walking alone.
This fool even secretly returned to Jinling a few years ago just to catch a glimpse of himself on the banks of the Qinhuai River!
Things have changed and people have changed. Lan Yuan only feels that she is not worthy of Shen Xian’s concern.
After sending people into the station, Lan Yuan walked alone in Yangzhou outside the station.
It was a good time for fireworks in March, but she saw sadness in the sky.
I shouldn’t, I don’t want to!
She shouldn’t send Shen Xian away, because she doesn’t want Shen Xian to become farther and farther away from herself.
Regardless of everything, Lan Yuan turned around and ran back to the station quickly.
If you don’t remonstrate in the past, you can chase after those who come!
She wanted to recover Shen Chen and recover everything she had cruelly abandoned.
The good things about people will pass away as other good things are lost.
After secretly bidding farewell to Shen Xian at the dock, Lan Yuan was no longer alive.
She imprisoned herself in the cell she built, repeating boring days day after day, like a machine.
It’s different now, meeting Shen Xian is to meet the soul.
Even if what Shen Chen handed over was arsenic, frost or poisonous wine, Lan Yuan would still enjoy it as if she had eaten honey.
When they arrived in Shanghai, Lan Yuan clearly felt that Shen Xian was less resistant to him.
This person will take his own taste into consideration when eating, will be willing to walk with him on the street, and will no longer be angry and angry with him.
Walking through the Paramount Ballroom, the music inside is booming. Through a door, you can imagine the excitement inside.
Lan Yuan thought of the bad days when she danced waltz randomly at home and in the ballroom in Jinling.
The contrast between the cruelty of reality and the beauty of memories was too strong, so she didn’t even have the courage to take another look and kept silent.
When she returned to the hotel, she did not dare to stay on the same floor because she was afraid of losing control.
But in the middle of the night, Lisa was still called to Chen Xian’s room.
Because——Chen Xian had a nightmare.
Lan Yuan’s heart ached when she looked at the pitiful appearance of the nightmare, and she anxiously called out her nickname “Chen Chen” again and again.
Chen Xian did open his eyes, but he also regarded himself as the object of his dream, rushed over to kiss him, and moved his hands and feet.
Lan Yuan was attacked and plundered, and she felt pleasure unconsciously. Out of instinct and past muscle memory, she hooked her hands around Shen Xian’s neck.
The dreamer didn’t want to stop, so she indulged herself and didn’t push the person away.
A boat full of clear dreams overwhelmed the clear river. After one time, the heavy strings stopped and returned to calm.
But Lan Yuan couldn’t calm down. After experiencing the incident soberly, she couldn’t care less about the aftertaste. She urgently needed to bury something.
Whether it was on the sheets, or left on the mouth, between the fingers, or between the legs, everything was wiped away.
After taking care of everything, she hurried back upstairs, leaving Lisa to continue guarding Shen Xian.
Then, she finally had time to smell the scent on her body, which was the light fragrance left after being pressed against Chen Xian for a long time.
The light fragrance is also mixed with the overwhelming smell just now, which is wonderful, exactly the same as the feeling of sleeping in the same bed before.
Looking in the mirror early in the morning, Lan Yuan discovered that there were red and purple marks all over her neck. She didn’t dare to stay with Shen Xian anymore, so she took the train and left Shanghai directly without saying goodbye.
Many days later, Lan Yuan found out that Chen Xian had been performing and also went to Yunnan. She was looking forward to seeing him again, so she asked Lisa to tell her the date of her return.
During this period, she still maintained a normal life, but she always recalled the good times she had with Shen Xian in Shanghai, and even thought about divorce.
Just like a sneaky cat that eats fish outside for the first time, it always wants to go outside to eat again.
But the moment the idea of divorce popped up, other thoughts were also surging——
The Zhao family saved the Lan family in crisis. This kindness is hard to repay!
Zhao Wencheng was kind to her and treated her with respect. He had done nothing wrong and she should not be hurt like this!
Although Zhao Jing is not her biological child, after raising her for almost seven years, she still has feelings for him!
She also killed Su Wan’s child. She shouldn’t be happy with blood on her hands!
So Lan Yuan couldn’t say anything about the divorce without hesitation.
Su Wan rushed over from Yangzhou to see her, and her kindness and power locked Lan Yuan even more.
Moreover, even if he was really alone, would Chen Xian be willing to accept it?Is this fair to Shen Xian?Can she and Shen Xian still go on without any barriers?
Perhaps, Shen Xian deserves someone better!
–
Shen Xian returned as scheduled. Lan Yuan received Lisa’s letter informing her of the date of return, but she didn’t go to the station to pick her up!
She couldn’t even dare to go to the pier and take a peek like that day seven years ago!
On the day Shen Xian came back, she deliberately arranged a full schedule for herself, comforting herself that she just couldn’t get out of it.
At twenty-seven, she no longer had the willfulness and loneliness of her childhood. She had to consider her family and children, and weigh the pros and cons.
Shen Xian is no longer her first choice after desperate measures. It is a choice that she must give up after repeated consideration.
The last time she drove away Shen Xian, she could still use the excuse that it was for Shen Xian’s own good and to let Shen Xian go to the vast world, pursue his dreams and complete his studies.
This time, she did not choose Shen Xian, and there was no excuse to escape.
Everything stems from the cowardice and lack of determination in the bones, as well as selfishness and lack of confidence in the future.
She didn’t find Shen Xian, but Shen Xian found her, and even came to her door, but it was just in the name of her former piano teacher.
Shen Xian even bent down to teach Zhao Jing how to play the piano, took the initiative to stay for dinner, and even wanted to stay overnight.
Shen Xian wanted to stay, but Lan Yuan immediately agreed and hurriedly asked the nanny to clean up the room.
In the limited time, let’s get closer as much as possible. Anyway, Shen Xian will return to England sooner or later, Lan Yuan comforted herself.
The nanny tidied up the room, but Chen Xian knocked on Lan Yuan’s door.
“Go to my room and chat with me for a while.”
Lan Yuan agreed. Looking at Shen Xian’s eyes that were about to cry, she could agree to anything.
Lying side by side on the bed, Shen Xian suddenly leaned on her shoulder, which made Lan Yuan nervous. She clutched the quilt with both hands.
But when she felt the water stains on her clothes seeping into her skin, Lan Yuan lost her nerves and carefully held Shen Xian in her arms.
Because – Chen Xian cried, the sound of sobs carrying grievances and complaints, unwillingness and forbearance.
“Yuan Yuan, you will never choose me.”
“Kite, kite, kite…”
One voice after another, like a cuckoo crying for blood or a lone ape wailing!
Then, Shen Xian returned to his pillow position, silent.
After a long while, he spoke again——
“Yuan Yuan, I want to start a new life completely!”
“You must also be happy and live in a world surrounded by love forever!”
–
Then, Lan Yuan heard from Hunter that Shen Xian had returned to England, so she left without saying goodbye. It was a pity that she didn’t see him again before leaving.
She had always been timid about being close to home, so except for that day when Shen Xian came over on his own initiative, she had never seen Shen Xian much. Thinking about it now, she regretted it very much.
But one afternoon, while Lan Yuan was sitting alone in the house where Shen Xian once lived, guarding a large pot of lilies of the valley, she suddenly realized that Shen Xian had said goodbye that night.
The silent parting was indeed not heartbreakingly painful. Shen Xian was probably afraid of being like the last time at the dock.
–
Around October 1937, when the war was about to reach Jinling, Lan Yuan and Zhao Wencheng moved back to Yangzhou with their whole family.
The thick pile of photos related to Shen Xian, as well as the records, record players, cameras and other things left by Shen Xian were also well preserved.
Later, after the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, Lan Yuan and Zhao Wencheng moved back to Jinling, but all their previous houses were burned down, including his and Shen Xian’s small house.
However, among the ruins, broken ceramic shards can still be found, which were containers used to hold lilies of the valley.
The few lily-of-the-valley plants that were moved to Yangzhou had long since froze to death. In the chaotic world, Lan Yuan didn’t even buy any seeds, so she stopped raising them.
Everything was put on hold, just like her love that came to an abrupt end.
Her heart was locked away and no longer open to anyone.
At that time, Zhao Jing had grown into a young man, Lan Yuan was thirty-four years old, and his nasolabial folds were slightly visible.
It has been eight years since Shen Xian left, and Lan Yuan can only imagine what Shen Xian looked like at thirty-seven.
This man does not look old, and his beauty has never failed him over time. He probably still looks like he is in his twenties, with a smile that makes him happy.
But no matter how old Shen Xian is, Lan Yuan also knows that she will never see Shen Xian after the age of twenty-nine again in her life.
That person completely disappeared from his life, without any news, and Hunter was unwilling to reveal anything.
The days of being far apart and not disturbing each other are left with nothing but desolation. This desolation is the coldness that spreads from the heart to the body, freezing all the flowers in bloom!
–
Later, fighting broke out again in the country, but fortunately, their lives were not disturbed this time.
After the country’s peaceful liberation, Zhao Jing was admitted to Peking University in 1950.
In 1954, the transformation of private enterprises began, and the Zhao family’s business and the textile factory run by Lan Yuan and Qian Pei were all assigned to the state.
Life is going smoothly, but her mood is still cold. Lan Yuan is not particularly excited about everything, but she is not particularly sad either.
On this birthday, Zhao Wencheng finally helped Lan Yuan find lily of the valley seeds.
Therefore, Lan Yuan no longer had her previous resistance to Zhao Wencheng, and she could eat the dishes that Zhao Wencheng brought over.
True love emerges through thick and thin. After going through so many ups and downs, family affection has been nurtured even in the absence of love.
Zhao Jing got married in 1957, and two years later, his wife gave birth to a daughter.
So Lan Yuan and Zhao Wencheng became grandparents.
But——
Although the husband and wife are harmonious, with children around their knees and a house full of children and grandchildren, Lan Yuan looks at the beauty in front of her and always feels that she is a spectator and cannot find a sense of belonging.
Like a ship floating on the sea with no destination, Lan Yuan’s heart has no destination either.
There might be a place to go, but she knew that she had destroyed the road leading there with her own hands, and there would be no one waiting for her where she was.
She tried hard to live as happy as Shen Xian said, living in a world seemingly surrounded by love, but in the end she was just a mirror in the mirror.
Zhao Wencheng also learned the waltz, listened to records, and learned photography for Blue Yuan, but unfortunately he didn’t have any skills.
Lan Yuan sometimes looks at Zhao Wencheng’s clumsy dance moves while practicing at home, and thinks of his old friend again.
Shen Xian’s limbs are very flexible and she dances very beautifully, especially with her red lips, like a fairy walking out of an oil painting.
Every year on her birthday, Lan Yuan would imagine what Shen Xian looked like and draw an oil painting to celebrate her birthday.
I even asked some overseas friends to inquire, but I couldn’t get any news about Shen Xian. Therefore, in each of Lan Yuan’s paintings, Shen Xian was not older than 29.
–
But the good times did not last long. In 1966, some bad things happened——
Zhao Wencheng was labeled as a Z-deviator, Lan Yuan was also labeled as such, and Zhao Jing and her wife were also sent down.
Many things at home were confiscated, including records, cameras, and other belongings belonging to the bourgeoisie.
Especially the thick stack of oil paintings was burned on the spot.
Shen Xian’s bright face was buried in the fire, burned away bit by bit, just like hope was crushed bit by bit.
Her entire spiritual world collapsed at this moment!
The 55-year-old Lan Yuan broke down crying for the first time, her voice was miserable and sad, she knelt on the ground and fainted, unconscious.
Until now, Zhao Wencheng saw dozens of paintings and finally noticed a clue, but he had no time to think about it because he and Lan Yuan had to undergo transformation and engage in various manual labor.
Working outdoors for a long time and suffering from malnutrition, Lan Yuan quickly aged and deteriorated. His hands even became rough and swollen because he had to carry lime, he inhaled a lot of dust, and his lungs became inflamed.
But I don’t have money for medical treatment. At this time, I have to spend every penny as two cents, and even the food stamps are not enough to eat!
Zhao Wencheng also suffered from rheumatism, malnutrition and other diseases.
Finally, this farce is over.
But Lan Yuan’s index and middle fingers were severely deformed and she could no longer play the piano.
Lan Yuan didn’t feel particularly sorry when she heard the diagnosis. She was not a good candidate in the first place, as long as she could still find something belonging to Shen Xian.
But when the house leaks, it rains——
Lan Yuan dragged her sick body and immediately went to the government agency to look for the confiscated cameras, record players and other items, but was told that they had been destroyed long ago.
“Didn’t you say that it was confiscated and kept for safekeeping?”
“Didn’t you say that it would be confiscated and not destroyed?”
“If you destroy anything that belongs to me, I will sue you in court!”
Like a shrew, Lan Yuan had no image and started to curse at the door, but no staff helped her solve the problem. She just let her curse. When she got tired of the scolding, Lan Yuan could only cry.
It was also at this moment that Lan Yuan understood that Shen Xian’s crying that night was not just about grievance, forbearance, and unwillingness, but also despair, complete despair!
With desperate blessings, Shen Xian could only say those nice words after swallowing blood and tears!
It turns out that you can only make that kind of crying sound when you are desperate. Thinking of this, Lan Yuan only felt that her heart was tingling.
This was the second time that Lan Yuan collapsed from crying, her voice was miserable and tragic, and she knelt on the ground and fainted, unconscious.
Zhao Wencheng stayed by the bedside in the hospital, listening to Lan Yuan calling Shen Xian’s name. Combining everything in the past, he understood the origin, but chose to keep it secret.
–
In 1985, Zhao Jing’s daughter also had a new daughter. This child was Lan Yuan’s great-granddaughter.
Nearly seventy-five years old, Lan Yuan couldn’t stop crying when she looked at the baby.
Just because the child’s eyebrows look too much like Chen Xian.
Therefore, after the age of three, Lan Yuan immediately suggested that her granddaughter send her child to learn to play the piano.
Watching the baby grow up little by little, Lan Yuan felt as happy as watching her young. This was the first time she truly liked a child, so she doted on her great-granddaughter.
But just as the child learned to play Little Stars, Zhao Wencheng passed away.
Before leaving, he only said two words to Lan Yuan——
“Thank you for your hard work these years.”
“Go find her, don’t regret it.”
After realizing Lan Yuan’s feelings for Shen Xian, Zhao Wencheng became sensitive and attentive. It was also during that time that he discovered that Shen Xian had already penetrated Lan Yuan’s life, and was so pervasive that he could not drive him away.
Dozens of paintings repainted in the studio, records bought again, the habit of listening to piano playing, the camera bought in a second-hand store, the photos hidden under the blue kite pillow, the hobby of growing lilies of the valley, and always looking for London, England on the map…
It turns out that it’s not that she doesn’t love herself, she just loves another person too much. Her heart is only for Shen Xian!
–
Of course Lan Yuan didn’t go looking for her. Her body couldn’t bear the running anymore, and her lung disease over the years was almost killing her.
But the physical pain increased, and Lan Yuan found that some of the pain in her heart could be transferred away.
I just don’t know if Shen Xian is still suffering from liver disease these years?
The illness was gone like silkworms, but she also felt the heavy pain.
And now her face is covered with wrinkles, she looks old, her back is hunched, her skin is loose, and her hair is sparse and gray.
With such an unkempt appearance, Shen Xian probably wouldn’t be able to recognize him when walking on the road. Lan Yuan laughed at herself in the mirror!
Where is Shen Xian?Will Shen Xian also look like this?
Lan Yuan’s intuition was not clear, and she only remembered Shen Xian’s beautiful skin when she was twenty-nine years old. Shen Xian stayed at the right beautiful age for her.
Also because Shen Xian was so beautiful, even when she missed him, Lan Yuan felt ashamed when she looked at herself in the mirror and felt unworthy.
How old is Chen Xian now?About eighty.
In fact, after turning sixty, Lan Yuan never dared to face up to Shen Xian’s age. Only today did she muster up the courage to do it.
Birth, old age, illness and death were inevitable, but she just wished that Shen Xian could be a little god, free from disasters, disease and worry!
Also because only by believing that Shen Xian is living well in every corner of the world can Lan Yuan have the courage to live.
Her heart has been locked away for decades, but she misses her every moment, and it is precisely because of this missing that she keeps her alive.
Chen Xian is the only touch of color in her long and miserable life, and no one can replace it!
Zhao Jing recently recommended a book to her, “Love in the Time of Cholera”. The love story in the book that spanned decades from youth to old age made Lan Yuan cry frequently.
The hero and heroine failed to get married at the age of twenty because they were too young; after going through various twists and turns in life, they still failed to get married at the age of eighty because they were too old.
She and Shen Xian are about to enter the final stage of life similar to that of the protagonist. It would be great if they could have such an ending!
But it’s a pity that one of them is not Fermina and the other is not Florentino. They are just them and they cannot get back together.
Shen Xian gave up very completely, and he was very cowardly.
This story had its ending of love as early as 1937, but I never let go.
–
She has seen through herself, so Lan Yuan will not disturb Shen Xian, and she will not go looking for him.
This idea will not be shaken by Zhao Wencheng’s death, nor will it be changed by anything!
Unless——
It was Shen Xian who wanted to see her. At that time, even if the mountains were high and the roads were far away, she would rush over.
But Lan Yuan has another wish——
On her eightieth birthday, she expressed her wish to be buried in England.
She wanted to turn into a green grass taking root in the soil on the land of England, bathing in the sunshine, waiting for the sound of the next life.
Because the kite will loosen its thread and escape on its own, but the weeds will stay in place by instinct!
She has been a fleeing kite for too long in her life, she is tired!
–
On December 31, 1999, Lan Yuan died of lung cancer in Nanjing First Hospital.
He died at the age of 89. After all, he could not survive the millennium and see the new century.
From 1937 to 1999, for 62 years, he and Shen Xian never saw each other again.
Chen Xian disappeared and never appeared in her life once.
If you say you haven’t fantasized about meeting each other, you’d be kidding yourself.
At least until old age and beauty faded, Lan Yuan never gave up asking for news about Shen Xian, but there was no news.
Day after day, year after year, Shen Xian was never seen again in the land of Jinling.
For many years later, Lan Yuan always liked to look back or look around. She also selfishly imagined that Shen Xian would appear behind her, and that Shen Xian still had residual love for her.
But fantasies are just fantasies after all, so they fail again and again, and they are disappointed again and again. Hopes are ignited every time, only to be extinguished by the cold reality.
The reality is – Shen Xian will no longer love himself, Shen Xian has already let go, he is just wishful thinking and moved by himself.
Lan Yuan was forced to accept this result as if she was swallowing a knife.
Giving him a long and desperate life is regret, punishment, and torture.
On January 8, 2000, Zhao Jing and his family went to London, England to hold a funeral. Lan Yuan was buried in a cemetery.
Only Lan Yuan’s name, date of birth and death were written on the tombstone, and there was a photo of him when he was young.
She was afraid that Chen Xian would be angry, so she didn’t dare to add the words Chen Xian’s wife.
However, she does not allow her tombstone to be connected with other people. She just wants to meet that person clean and alone, without any identity.
–
The afternoon after the funeral was held, the sun shone brightly, a rare sunny day in London, which is foggy and rainy in half the winter.
An elderly grandmother shakily came to Lan Yuan’s tomb, put down a bunch of lily of the valley, turned on the tape recorder, and played the song “Paper Kite”.
Music flows slowly in the cemetery, and the breeze blows, bringing people into a beautiful world. Everything seems to be back to that year again——
The wintersweet in Yangzhou Lanfu is blooming bright red, and the girl is sitting in the pavilion wearing a white fox fur cloak.
The wind and snow brought a noble person, a young lady who had returned from England, walking towards the pavilion on the white snow with a smile brighter than in winter.
“Hello, I am Chen Xian, and I am also your piano teacher.”