TTOA Chapter 29

“It’s not just you who’s angry right now, and it’s not just you who’s frustrated. I… for twenty years, I had to live without Kwon Jae-jin. I thought it was okay. Because I didn’t know. I didn’t know what Guiding was, I didn’t know what a Guide was at all…”

Seo Eui-woo stared intently into Kwon Jae-jin’s eyes, filled with a raging, crimson passion. His heated gray pupils swirled with a mixture of emotions, like a dough that had been kneaded and mixed together.

“It’s unfair. Why did you have to be a Mutant, Jae-jin?”

“……”

“Why did you only appear before me now?”

“……”

“Why couldn’t you have just been born a normal Guide…? Couldn’t you have completed the regular education like other Espers and been matched with me as an official Guide? If that had happened, I would have been doing well like any other run-of-the-mill Esper, and I would have been able to Guide you to my heart’s content without any worries, and I wouldn’t have tasted this miserable feeling…”

Seo Eui-woo’s voice, which had been flowing gently, gradually became fierce. His breathing trembled and ran rampant, irregularly.

“Kwon Jae-jin is my… Guide.”

“……”

“You have to take responsibility for me. That’s a Guide’s duty.”

“……”

“Jae-jin left me alone for twenty years! You left me alone for twenty years and were happily involved with another human being…”

“……”

“Boyfriend? Lover? Don’t be ridiculous. While that person was rummaging through Kwon Jae-jin’s body, finding out the location of your moles, the number of your teeth, every little detail, I was being torn apart limb by limb as easily as breathing. And yet, you won’t even let me erase one of those old memories? You look at me with those eyes… as if I’m a horrifying monster without any humanity?”

Seo Eui-woo gasped for air and muttered as if in agony. His fair, pale face was unusually bloodless, contrasting with the redness of his bitten lips.

“Of course, I know it’s not your fault, Jae-jin. I know it’s no one’s responsibility. Even so, I’m angry. I want to erase all of Jae-jin’s memories, turn them into a non-existent past, but even if I do, I’ll still feel resentment when I think about it sometimes. If I notice that small mole or see those even teeth… I’ll want to target that person and beat them to a pulp, crush them to death…”

Seo Eui-woo swept his disheveled hair back roughly. As the hair swept back from his forehead, the wound he had suffered was revealed. The half-healed ear was visible above his neck, where the blood vessels were clearly standing out.

“You don’t think about me at all, Jae-jin…? Don’t you think that I’ve been holding back, trying not to lash out at you, Kwon Jae-jin, even though my insides are boiling and I feel like I’m going crazy? Haven’t you ever thought that I’ve been pretending to be fine all along, pretending to be okay?”

“……”

“My thoughts…! Haven’t you thought about them even a little bit!”

Seo Eui-woo hissed and clenched his teeth tightly. He stubbornly held onto the immense power that kept trying to burst out, suppressing it and shoving it down into the abyss. He was twisted from a normal state. It seemed he was struggling to suppress the power that was unconsciously trying to erupt.

Seo Eui-woo lowered his eyelids and his straight neck trembled.

After calming his heightened breathing, he opened his eyes and looked down at Jae-jin with his glossy gray eyes.

Seo Eui-woo’s gray, sometimes cold and sometimes affectionate, was always precarious.

“Kwon Jae-jin.”

Seo Eui-woo called out to Kwon Jae-jin.

His monotonous voice was dry.

“Even so, am I being too much?”

Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t take his eyes off Seo Eui-woo’s wound. The sight of the deeply cut flesh healing and the newly grown ear taking its place was not only distracting, but also emotionally disturbing.

“Isn’t it Jae-jin who’s being too much to me…?”

Kwon Jae-jin stared at Seo Eui-woo’s fair, pinkish-white ear for a long time before conveying the emotions that were welling up from deep within his heart in his eyes.

It was a direct hit. Kwon Jae-jin hadn’t thought about Seo Eui-woo’s feelings at all.

He didn’t have the time. His head was so full of his own thoughts that he had no room to care for Seo Eui-woo. The situation was sudden, and there were many things to agonize over, such as whether or not to erase his memories. He hadn’t even decided what to do in the future, so it was only natural that his vision would be narrow.

Looking back, Kwon Jae-jin had only thought about himself from beginning to end. Everything he had hoped for was his own desire.

Memories, the future, his life, Seo Eui-woo.

An ordinary life, a Guide’s life, a Mutant’s life.

He hadn’t thought about Seo Eui-woo’s feelings at all.

What Seo Eui-woo wanted, his desires, his life. None of it, not even a little… He felt sorry for that.

He was sorry that Kwon Jae-jin had been thinking alone, drawing conclusions alone, and trying to make choices alone from beginning to end. He should have given Seo Eui-woo a little space in his life, even in this second life. It seemed like he had drawn the line too firmly.

Kwon Jae-jin looked directly at Seo Eui-woo with his dark eyes. He wanted to speak right away.

He wanted to tell Seo Eui-woo everything, all that had happened.

“Ugh, uh!”

Kwon Jae-jin chewed on the gag and tried to force himself to sit up. The chain bound to the handcuffs became taut. He kicked away the blanket, shook off Seo Eui-woo’s touch, and twisted his waist.

“…Ha.”

Seo Eui-woo let out a deep sigh. He looked up at the ceiling, then lowered his eyes again and stared at Kwon Jae-jin. The sight of Kwon Jae-jin, completely naked and struggling in handcuffs, irritated him and made his anger flare up.

“Don’t do useless things. You’ll get hurt if you move. Do you want to see your dick, not just your ass, torn open…?”

Seo Eui-woo pressed down on Jae-jin’s thigh with his elbow. He held down the thrashing pelvis and forced the catheter into the narrow urethral opening. Even though it was a soft, silicone tube, it couldn’t be pleasant to have a tube shoved into such a tight opening.

“Ah! Keuh. Ugh…!”

Kwon Jae-jin didn’t give up. He pulled on the handcuffs so hard that the muscles in his arms trembled and his wrists turned red. He continued to convulse his Adam’s apple and move his lips, and when that wasn’t enough, he even rammed his head into Seo Eui-woo’s shoulder.

“Hey, ugh, I told you to stay still!”

Seo Eui-woo, with his brow furrowed, pushed the catheter all the way in. He inflated the tip so that it wouldn’t fall out and secured it with tape. As soon as he was done, he took off the disposable gloves and threw them on the floor as if disgusted. He impatiently swept his hair back again.

Even though the catheter was all the way in, Kwon Jae-jin was still struggling. He kicked at the mattress and rammed his head into Seo Eui-woo’s arm in protest. Seo Eui-woo looked at Kwon Jae-jin with an astonished expression, as if he couldn’t understand. He grabbed Jae-jin’s wrist and pressed down on his chest to keep him from moving.

“If you keep doing that, it’ll really tear. You have a tube inside you right now, Jae-jin! Why are you doing this!”

“Ugh! Woo! Keuh…!”

“I said I won’t erase your memories! I said I won’t, why again, what’s wrong… This, you don’t like the catheter? It hurts… does it hurt? Should I take it out?”

Kwon Jae-jin shook his head wildly. Then he glared at Seo Eui-woo. His eyes were distorted, and there were blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. His bloodshot eyes were desperate.

“Then what is it… why are you doing this to me again….”

Kwon Jae-jin repeatedly gnawed on the gag. The black bar between his upper and lower jaws was hurting his teeth. Seo Eui-woo frowned.

“The gag…? Should I take the gag off?”

“Woo!”

Kwon Jae-jin nodded firmly. Seo Eui-woo chuckled as if he was dumbfounded.

“…Okay. Lower your head.”

Before the words were even finished, Kwon Jae-jin lowered his head. Seeing Jae-jin, who had become docile as if he had never struggled, Seo Eui-woo swallowed a light sigh. Strangely, if Kwon Jae-jin refused and resisted, it bothered him, but if he was obedient, he felt good.

Seo Eui-woo slowly untied the leather strap that was firmly fixed to the back of Jae-jin’s head. He unbuckled the belt, pulled the ring, and removed the gag. Kwon Jae-jin immediately spat out the bar he had been holding in his mouth and moved his stiff jaw.

“It’s you, Seo Eui-woo.”

“…Me?”

“It’s you! The person I was dating.”

As soon as his mouth was free, Kwon Jae-jin blurted out his true feelings without hesitation. He couldn’t hide it anymore, and he didn’t want to.

“So, we’re… lovers who were dating in the future, four years from now. Four years from now, I was caught in a Gate and died, and I regressed to the present, four years ago. That’s why I called you Eui-woo, and that’s why I asked if you remembered me.”

“……”

“I am Seo Eui-woo’s Guide and Seo Eui-woo’s lover.”

“……”

“I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier without hiding it. I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me.”

“……”

“I didn’t want to forget you. Please… don’t erase my memories….”