TTOA Chapter 23

The world went dark as if all the lights had been extinguished, and my limbs stiffened as if crushed under dozens of tons of concrete. Even if I were stranded in the scorching sands of a desert hell, it wouldn’t be this agonizing.

“No.”

Kwon Jae-jin stubbornly shook his head.

Then, he tried to escape from Seo Eui-woo, who was comforting and soothing him. He pushed against Seo Eui-woo’s chest and retreated to the corner of the bed.

“No, you…!”

“…….”

“Not you… I… Ah, damn….”

Kwon Jae-jin’s face contorted in a grimace. He concealed his expression in the darkness of the unlit bedroom, panting with ragged breaths. He suffered alone for some time until he could escape the nightmare and regain his senses.

“Seo Eui-woo, I’m sorry… I had a strange nightmare for a moment.”

Having barely regained his composure, Jae-jin apologized.

The jet-black darkness was so thick that he couldn’t see Seo Eui-woo’s face on the opposite side of the bed. Only a faint ray of moonlight, quietly streaming in at the deep dawn, allowed him to barely make out Seo Eui-woo’s silhouette.

However, Seo Eui-woo’s two eyes, shining within the pitch-black shadow, were clearly visible.

A fierce gleam pierced through the darkness, stabbing at Kwon Jae-jin like a spear. It felt as if he were facing a nocturnal beast about to hunt.

“…Not me? What does that mean?”

Seo Eui-woo asked, lowering his voice.

The calmly lowered tone sounded dozens of times more dangerous than loud yelling.

“What kind of dream did you have to get so worked up like this? It’s not like you, Jae-jin… You seem very startled.”

“…….”

“In the dream, did someone… die? Other than me?”

Seo Eui-woo chuckled. Then, he patted the space beside his pillow as if telling Kwon Jae-jin to come closer. Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t rashly approach him and remained frozen at the edge of the bed.

“It’s okay. I’m not going to bother you this time. I just want to comfort you, Jae-jin. Huh?”

Seo Eui-woo kept patting the pillow before stopping and tilting his head. A glint flashed briefly in his eyes before gradually subsiding. The chilling air he exuded was concealed and suppressed, no longer visibly apparent.

“Really. I’ve spent many sleepless nights, so I know quite well how you feel.”

“…….”

“Or should I give you some medicine? I have all kinds of sleeping pills. I have alcohol too. Lots of different kinds of that as well.”

“Ah… No… I don’t need it.”

Only then did Jae-jin relax a little, and he stealthily returned to his own pillow and lay down. He positioned himself with his back to Seo Eui-woo.

“Seo Eui-woo… Medicine and alcohol are bad for your health. Throw them all away.”

Seo Eui-woo, who had also lain down, naturally pulled Jae-jin into an embrace from behind.

“Should I? Is it okay to throw them away?”

“…….”

“Now that I have Jae-jin, is it okay to throw them away…?”

Kwon Jae-jin didn’t reply and closed his eyes, pretending to fall asleep again. He slowly inhaled and exhaled, feigning a calm demeanor as if nothing was wrong.

He repeatedly told himself that he had just had a bad dream because of unnecessary thoughts and that he would forget everything once he woke up.

However, the voice of Seo Eui-woo in the dream wouldn’t be forgotten.

Following the voice of Seo Eui-woo in the dream, the voice of Seo Eui-woo in reality overlapped.

From a certain point onward, he couldn’t distinguish the two voices.

It sounded as if the same Seo Eui-woo was saying the same things.

Kwon Jae-jin squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the blanket tightly.

Even though Seo Eui-woo was embracing him, his body felt strangely cold. It was as if a cold wind was blowing from somewhere.

A fierce north wind was raging.

The flimsy facade that had been carelessly put in place was blown away by the rampant wind, and the ominous truth he didn’t want to acknowledge slowly revealed itself. The terrifying reality was gaping its jaws and approaching moment by moment.

He wanted to ignore it, but the realization he could no longer ignore tore Kwon Jae-jin apart and shook him to his core.

*

Morning. Kwon Jae-jin hadn’t slept a wink and had spent the night with his eyes open.

Seo Eui-woo had also experienced a similar bout of insomnia, as Kwon Jae-jin could feel Seo Eui-woo’s gaze fixed on him from behind throughout the dawn, but Kwon Jae-jin deliberately pretended not to notice.

Frankly speaking, Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t afford to pay attention to Seo Eui-woo. The conclusion he had stubbornly pondered throughout the night had finally converged into one.

‘I was the stupid one.’

Kwon Jae-jin, staggering, rose from the bed and headed to the kitchen. He filled a glass with cold water and drank it, suppressing a constant stream of hollow laughter within himself.

‘Seo Eui-woo wasn’t the stupid one, I was…’

The ominous truth. The terrifying reality. The conclusion he wanted to ignore.

They all pointed to the same place.

Kwon Jae-jin’s goal was to survive, but that could also be defined as changing the predetermined future.

Changing the future.

Making the second life different from the first.

‘If the predetermined course is disrupted to the point that someone who was supposed to die lives, wouldn’t the same apply to everything else?’

There’s a saying called the butterfly effect.

Just as a small butterfly’s flapping wings can cause a typhoon far away, Kwon Jae-jin didn’t know what kind of changes his survival would bring to the future.

What happened in the past first life might not happen in the second life, and events that didn’t exist in the first life might newly occur in the second life.

Like dominoes, everything would be thrown off.

‘In other words, the romantic feelings Seo Eui-woo had for me… could disappear, too.’

The future he confessed to Kwon Jae-jin might also change.

The possessive confinement, the yearning, the regrets for his own wrongdoings, the repentance, the realization, and the colliding heart… all of those predetermined futures.

‘If they’re all overturned…’

No, what if they’re already overturned…?

‘I’ve changed it. All of it.’

This was the result Kwon Jae-jin intended from the beginning.

He didn’t fight with Seo Eui-woo, and he quickly shortened the time that would have been unnecessarily wasted by complying with Guiding. He tried to persuade and endure him, seeking cooperation quickly and easily without much trouble.

However, perhaps that judgment was wrong.

The time Kwon Jae-jin skipped over was actually a time of love and hate that Seo Eui-woo and Kwon Jae-jin had built together.

For four years, they felt so many emotions for each other that it was difficult to count, and they forcibly swallowed and digested those emotions in an inescapable, harsh dilemma, moving forward.

Seo Eui-woo felt desperation and earnestness, excessive obsession and coercion, impulse, passion, lust, and regret, remorse, humility, apology, sadness, torment, and loneliness towards Kwon Jae-jin.

Kwon Jae-jin felt denial, anger, hatred, disgust, frustration, resentment, futility, compromise, resignation, depression, exasperation, acceptance, pity, compassion, understanding, tolerance, liberation, and the establishment of a new beginning and a new relationship towards Seo Eui-woo.

After skipping over all these emotions, after doing all that,

‘How could I have been so arrogant as to assume that Seo Eui-woo would treat me with the same feelings as before…? What kind of judgment was that…?’

Perhaps all the efforts Kwon Jae-jin had made so far were a shortcut to distancing himself from Seo Eui-woo.

Not trying to escape.

Willingly providing Guiding, albeit conditionally.

Calling Seo Eui-woo “Eui-woo.”

Trying to feed him and make him sleep.

And… even trying to change the direction of his part.

Kwon Jae-jin treated Seo Eui-woo differently from beginning to end compared to the first life. Yet, he wanted Seo Eui-woo to be exactly the same as the first life’s Seo Eui-woo.

He realized only now that it was an absurd contradiction.

The future Kwon Jae-jin had changed was not only a future where he survived, but also a future where Kwon Jae-jin’s Seo Eui-woo had disappeared.

Because Kwon Jae-jin regressed,

Because Kwon Jae-jin struggled to survive,

He lost Seo Eui-woo.

‘…Then, I.’

Now.

What should I do…?

‘As Seo Eui-woo said, should I let go of my lingering feelings and forget everything cleanly…?’

Not as lovers, but as Esper and Guide, just like that… simply…?

‘…….’

Jae-jin’s gaze, which had been lost in deep thought for a long time, suddenly changed in an instant. His black eyes flashed fiercely. Jae-jin, trembling as if he couldn’t believe it, buried his face in his palms.

After rubbing his face roughly, he picked up the water glass in front of him and threw it far away as if venting his anger. It seemed like it would shatter loudly on the carpeted floor, but the thrown glass stopped in mid-air just before touching the ground.

Not a single drop of water spilled, and it floated perfectly.

…Seo Eui-woo must have caught it.

Kwon Jae-jin didn’t even need to turn around to hear the lazy murmur of that bastard.

“Jae-jin, what’s wrong? Are you angry?”

Seo Eui-woo leisurely walked over, filling a magazine with bullets.

The transparent glass flew obediently towards him, and Seo Eui-woo took a sip of the cold water inside, tilting his head slightly.