TTOA Chapter 129
by VolareTaming the Obsessive Maniac – Episode 129
#129
Kwon Jae-jin slowly reached out and touched Seo Eui-woo’s head. He smoothed back the messy hair, revealing his handsome forehead.
“You… you seem to only look at me. Sometimes, you should look at other things too.”
“I don’t want to. Why should I?”
“I’m just saying, in case.”
“In case you don’t know what?”
“No, just…”
An unexpected accident could happen to Kwon Jae-jin…
It could end up like the first timeline…
Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t bring himself to say the rest and swallowed it down. He just kept stroking Seo Eui-woo’s hair. As he tried to close his eyes, intense thoughts flooded his mind.
He recalled the desolate look in Seo Eui-woo’s eyes from the first timeline, and before that, the moment he fearlessly shot and killed the creature.
Like rewinding time, the scenes he had experienced flashed backward in his mind.
The chaotic and desperate battle situation, the torn and dead Special Task Force members, the screams of the runaway young Esper, the ground covered in black blood…
‘…So that’s what the life of an Esper is like.’
Now, he finally understood it vividly.
How Seo Eui-woo must have lived.
What Seo Eui-woo’s life must have been like.
Until now, he had vaguely thought that it must have been difficult, painful, and lonely without anyone to rely on, but after experiencing the battle firsthand, he felt like he had swallowed dozens of knives, tearing his insides apart.
It wasn’t just a matter of feeling sorry and pitiful.
His heart felt like it was rotting away.
He wanted to shed tears for Seo Eui-woo and all the Espers in this land. He wanted to comfort them, telling them they had suffered, they had been in pain, and they had worked hard.
“Jae-jin ssi, what are you thinking about right now?”
Seo Eui-woo grabbed Kwon Jae-jin’s cheeks with his large hands and squeezed them. He stared intently into Kwon Jae-jin’s eyes from a distance so close that their noses almost touched.
“Why do you stop talking in the middle of a sentence? What is it?”
“Ah… it’s just that things are complicated. Like that gruesome battlefield, and the runaway Esper…”
“…I knew it.”
His gray eyes pierced Kwon Jae-jin’s face, swirling thickly as if seeing right through him.
“I knew you’d be bothered by it. Don’t worry about things like that.”
“Things like what?”
“Whatever it is, just stop thinking about it. You can’t change it. It’ll only make you suffer.”
“…”
“You can’t bring the dead back to life. You can’t bring the runaway Esper back to life. It’s already over.”
Over…
Yes, that’s true…
It’s also over with the Seo Eui-woo from the first timeline…
There was nothing Kwon Jae-jin could do for the Seo Eui-woo from the first timeline. He couldn’t revive him, he couldn’t go back to four years later, and there was no way for him to be with him.
“…I suppose so. You can’t bring a dead person back to life.”
The Seo Eui-woo from the first timeline was nothing more than a bitter past.
The Seo Eui-woo that Kwon Jae-jin could be with was the one from the second timeline.
What Kwon Jae-jin could change was his second life…
Only the present, vividly alive, existed.
“But I still want to mourn them. The Espers don’t have any family, so there’s no one to grieve for them. No one to remember them.”
Certainly, the aftereffects of the first battle had left deep scars on Kwon Jae-jin’s soul. They would become ghosts that would follow Kwon Jae-jin for the rest of his life. But it was worth paying that price.
“You said that you shouldn’t be discouraged by losing comrades. That memories are erased because they interfere with the mission… That’s not only a terrible thing to do to the survivors but also to the dead.”
“Jae-jin ssi…”
“This is wrong. It can’t be like this.”
The Creature Wave wasn’t over. The battles would continue afterward.
The fallen would never cease, and the same tragedy would repeat itself.
He didn’t know what Seo Eui-woo from the first timeline wanted him to wait for. He didn’t know what he wanted from Kwon Jae-jin. But rather than agonizing and hesitating, Kwon Jae-jin wanted to do what he could do right now, in the present.
“I don’t think I can just stand by and watch this reality. It’s too late to pretend I don’t know…”
Kwon Jae-jin lifted his head, chanting resolutely. However, Seo Eui-woo grabbed the back of Kwon Jae-jin’s neck and pressed down, forcefully preventing him from escaping his embrace.
“It’s okay. Stop thinking about it. Empty your head, now.”
“What…?”
“How are you going to solve it? Like last time, are you going to Guide the Espers? Are you going to change it that way?”
“…Why are you bringing that up now? That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what? What is it?”
Seo Eui-woo’s voice gradually lowered until it almost sounded like a growl. The sharp energy was terrifying.
“What were you thinking, Jae-jin ssi?”
“No, I…”
“That’s why I wanted to leave you behind. You’re always… you’re always…”
His breath was rough, as if he was having a panic attack. Seo Eui-woo, panting irregularly, kept calling out to Kwon Jae-jin.
“Jae-jin ssi. Jae-jin… Jae-jin ssi.”
“…Why, why?”
“Call me.”
“What?”
“Quickly! Say ‘Eui-woo-ya’.”
“What all of a sudden… Huh?”
“Eui-woo-ya, Eui-woo-ya, call me now.”
It was a sudden request.
He didn’t know why Seo Eui-woo was acting like this. He couldn’t understand the context at all. Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t suppress his flustered feelings and blinked, opening his lips slightly.
“Eu… Eui-woo-ya.”
“Again. Do it again.”
“Eui-woo-ya…?”
“Yes, Jae-jin ssi. Keep going.”
“No, what’s going on?”
“Keep calling me! Keep going!”
“Yes? Eui-woo-yaa…”
Kwon Jae-jin called him “Eui-woo-ya” about six times, feeling dazed. Still, Seo Eui-woo wasn’t satisfied, clinging tightly to Kwon Jae-jin and constantly urging him on. He didn’t seem satisfied.
“Now, look at me.”
Seo Eui-woo grabbed Kwon Jae-jin’s chin, bringing their faces close together so they could look at each other. Kwon Jae-jin, still feeling dazed, cautiously watched Seo Eui-woo and replied.
“…I’m looking.”
“No, look properly.”
“I’m… I’m looking.”
“You’re not looking. You were just thinking about other things with me right in front of you.”
“…?”
“Other Espers, other Awakened, and other… all sorts of 잡생각 (jabsaenggak – useless thoughts)!”
Seo Eui-woo exploded painfully. Kwon Jae-jin was stunned by those words.
“Why are you doing this to me, Jae-jin ssi? Why do you keep doing this, even when we’re alone…?”
“…”
“Am I not even in your eyes? I told you earlier that I was confused. I said I’d tell you later… You didn’t even ask what it was. Aren’t you curious? Did you forget?”
“No…”
“Are you not interested in me anymore? Are you tired of me?”
Seo Eui-woo was making a fuss incoherently. Kwon Jae-jin was simply dumbfounded by Seo Eui-woo’s sudden and unexpected outburst.
Even though he had faced countless Creature legions, countless lives had been lost, and even a runaway Esper had caused a disaster, Seo Eui-woo was more fixated on the fact that Kwon Jae-jin wasn’t focusing on him.
For Seo Eui-woo, everything other than Kwon Jae-jin was secondary.
Kwon Jae-jin was always his top priority, and he wanted Kwon Jae-jin to feel the same way about him.
Seo Eui-woo grabbed and scratched at Kwon Jae-jin’s clothes. The combat uniform wrapped around his back was crumpled by Seo Eui-woo’s pawing. The rainwater on the coated material flowed down his hand.
“I, when you’re like this, I can’t stand it. I’m confused.”
Seo Eui-woo’s eyes contorted. His dark, chaotic eyes drooped downwards.
Kwon Jae-jin snapped out of it after mumbling “uh,” “ah,” and tried to calm Seo Eui-woo down.
“Wait a minute, Eui-woo-ya. What are you confused about?”
“…I, I keep…”
“Yes…”
“…I want to do terrible things to you. I have that urge.”
“Yes…?”
“…Right now, I want to lock you up.”
Hellfire-like jealousy boiled over Seo Eui-woo.
The unfulfilled deficiency screamed in his gut.
Even though Guiding wasn’t lacking, and he could reach out and hold Kwon Jae-jin in his arms whenever he wanted.
Even though he was in a relationship with Kwon Jae-jin and now received smooth and gentle gazes.
Even though he had obtained everything he wanted.
Seo Eui-woo was still, and always, suffering from a difficult deficiency.
He felt like he was going crazy from the confusion whenever he felt inadequate. He didn’t know why he was like this.
He felt like everything would be fine if he could just stay with Kwon Jae-jin like this, but on the other hand, he had an intense urge to kill every living thing in this land.
If he could just get rid of everything and turn it into dust, wouldn’t he and Kwon Jae-jin be able to live together in the devastated wasteland without feeling inadequate…?
Endless contradictions plunged Seo Eui-woo into anguish, and possessiveness, restrictiveness, and jealousy kept bubbling up.
So, it was 치정 (chijeong – morbid love).
Lust, affection, and then, morbid love.
Now, he didn’t just hate it when Kwon Jae-jin Guided other Espers, but he hated even Kwon Jae-jin caring about anything other than Seo Eui-woo.
He wanted to trap Kwon Jae-jin’s gaze, which kept looking out into the world, and confine and bind him.
If only… he could swallow Kwon Jae-jin whole. How wonderful would that be?
“I want you to only look at me, and only think about me. I don’t want you to go near other humans, whether it’s for Guiding or anything else, and I just… I don’t want you to care about anything other than me, no matter who runs away.”
“…”
“Only me… I want you to only look at me.”
“…”
“I keep having dangerous urges. Like when I went crazy when you said you were going to Guide those other bastards… I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Seo Eui-woo bit his lip in frustration. He felt like no matter what words he used, he wouldn’t be able to explain this dark and dangerous feeling he was experiencing.
Was it normal to feel violent urges towards someone he loved? Seo Eui-woo felt like something was wrong with him, and he felt an anxiety that Kwon Jae-jin couldn’t imagine.