Paper Lover At Old Town Bookstore Chapter 59
bymy little bookstore
The warm water flowed over his waist and abdomen, bringing with it the dense mist in the bathroom, gently diluting the smell of blood.My hand holding the razor blade was steady, and the sharp edge was pressed against the inside of my wrist. A white mark was made on the skin, and then fine drops of blood oozed out.
The miniature camera installed by Song Zhili was hidden in the frame of the bathroom mirror, and the red light flickered weakly, as if silently spying on this desperate farewell.
I looked at the bloodshot threads floating on the water, and felt a dead silence in my heart – three years into the book, I rescued Xu Xingruo, but trapped myself like a caged bird.
Song Zhili’s love was paranoid to the point of suffocation, with surveillance, confinement, and endless demands. I tried to obey, resist, and escape, but in the end I was just exhausted.
If death is the way back, can I get rid of all this and return to my world without calculation and paranoia?
The blade slashed hard, severe pain spread along the nerves, blood spurted out, and a large area of dark red appeared in the water.
I slowly lay down in the bathtub, the water reached my shoulders and spread over my neck. The cold touch made my consciousness gradually blur.
Song Zhili’s crazy roar seemed to be ringing in his ears, and it was like the buzzing of the old air conditioner in the rental house in front of Chuan Shu. The memory began to be confused, and reality and illusion were intertwined.
“Qiu Sheng! Qiu Sheng!”
A rapid bang on the door broke the silence of the bathroom. Song Zhili rushed in like crazy. When he saw the scene in the bathtub, his pupils suddenly shrank, and the paranoia in his eyes was instantly replaced by extreme panic.
He fished me out of the water, and regardless of the blood on his hands, he held my wrist tightly and said in a hoarse voice: “Don’t die! Song Qiusheng, don’t die!”
His hands were shaking violently and he was roaring incoherently. His tears mixed with the steam from the bathroom and rolled down, dripping hot on my face.”What will I do if you die?”
He hugged me tightly, as if he was trying to snatch me back from the hands of death, “I was wrong! I shouldn’t have monitored you, I shouldn’t have forced you, I shouldn’t have been so crazy! Wake up, and I will give you whatever you want, including freedom and leaving me, as long as you live!”
I leaned in his arms, my consciousness becoming more and more blurred. I could only feel him wrapping my wrists in a towel in a panic, feeling him rushing out of the bathroom with me in his arms, and feeling his heart beating so fast that it felt like it was going to explode.It turns out that this man who is so paranoid and crazy can also have such scary moments.
But I’m really tired.
His eyelids became heavier and heavier, and the sounds in his ears gradually faded away.Maybe death is not the way back, maybe this is the final ending of my journey through the book.
I just don’t know if the moment I close my eyes, I can really go back to that sunny world without Song Zhili… When the smell of disinfectant penetrates my nose, I slowly open my eyes.
There is a white ceiling, a holder hanging with an infusion bottle, and Song Zhili lying on the bedside sleeping deeply – his eyes are black and black, stubble has appeared, his usually meticulous suit is wrinkled, and his wrists are still stained with unwashed blood.
“Are you awake?” He woke up with a start. The panic in his eyes had not faded. He reached out to touch me but suddenly pulled it back. His voice was as hoarse as sandpaper. “How do you feel? The doctor said you lost too much blood and need to rest.”
I didn’t speak, just turned my head and looked out the window.The sunlight from the neighboring city spilled in through the glass and fell on the bedside, bringing with it a familiar warmth – this was the first city I stayed in after reading the book, the place where I ran to protect Xu Xingruo, and the place where I finally felt the breath of freedom before I failed to escape from Song Zhili.
“I’m taking you back to the neighboring city.” Song Zhili’s voice was cautiously probing, “You said that you like the quietness here. I have packed up the villa. There is no surveillance or restrictions. You can do whatever you want and see whoever you want.”
He picked up a document bag from the bedside table and handed it to me: “This is your ID card, bank card, and… the agreement to lift all the bonds between us.” His fingertips trembled, “I know that I was too paranoid and crazy before, and drove you to a dead end. I shouldn’t have monitored you, I shouldn’t have imprisoned you, and I shouldn’t have made you live in such pain for me.”
His eyes were red and his voice was choked: “Qiu Sheng, I was wrong. I don’t ask you to forgive me, I just ask you to live well. If you want to stay in the neighboring city, I will stay here with you and not disturb your life; if you still like Xu Xingruo, I will help you find a way; if you want… never to see me again, I promise you.”
I took the document bag and felt the cold paper with my fingertips, feeling nothing in my heart.
The severe pain of cutting my wrists still remains in my memory, and the sense of suffocation on the verge of death seems to be still spreading. Those days of being monitored, imprisoned, and being wildly demanded are like scars, engraved in the bottom of my heart and lingering.
“Why did you suddenly let me go free?” I finally spoke, my voice was very dry.
Song Zhili smiled bitterly, his eyes full of regret: “While waiting for you outside the operating room, I thought a lot. I always thought that keeping you by my side and locking you in a place where I could see you meant loving you. But it wasn’t until I saw you lying in the bathtub, covered in blood, that I realized that my so-called love was just selfish possession and the executioner who pushed you to hell.”
He raised his hand to wipe the tears from the corner of his eyes, but stopped: “Your survival is more important than anything else. Even if you don’t love me, even if you never want to see me, as long as you can live well and find the life you want, I will be satisfied.”
I looked at the regret and pain in his eyes, and there was no pleasure of revenge or thought of forgiveness in my heart, only a desolate calm.
In a book trip, I saved Xu Xingruo, but I was bruised all over myself.
Now, Song Zhili is finally willing to let go, and I have returned to the neighboring city, back to where it all started.
But, after experiencing so much, can I still find my former self?Can we return to our original world?Or, stay in this world, stay in the neighboring city, and start a new life without Song Zhili, without paranoia, and without confinement?
The sunshine outside the window is getting brighter and brighter, casting mottled light and shadow through the gaps in the leaves.
I clenched the document bag in my hand, and for the first time I felt a faint expectation in my heart – perhaps, death is not the way back, but letting go is.
At the alley in the old city of the neighboring city, wall-creeping tigers spread along the blue brick wall of the bookstore. The sunlight filtered through the branches and leaves and fell on the rattan rocking chair under me.
The celadon tea cup at hand was steaming, and the pages of the book were lifted by the wind, and then fell gently. Accompanied by the occasional bicycle bell from the alley, time slowed down like a stretched cotton thread.
The bookstore is not big, and the wooden bookshelves are filled with various books. There are two small tables and a few chairs near the window. Students or elderly people nearby often come to read and bask in the sun.
I rarely take the initiative to greet guests. Most of the time I lie on the rocking chair at the door, either closing my eyes and basking in the sun, or flipping through a few pages of idle books. Occasionally I raise my eyes to look at the passers-by, and my heart feels clear.
The stormy waves after passing through the book, Song Zhili’s paranoia and madness, and the despair when he cut his wrists, all seemed to have been dried by the sunshine in the neighboring city, and settled in the depths of memory, no longer easily making waves.
I no longer want to go back to the original world, nor am I obsessed with past grudges. I just want to guard this small bookstore and live a stable life of working at sunrise and resting at sunset.
One afternoon, the sun was shining just right, and I was taking a nap with my eyes squinted. A familiar voice came to my ears: “Excuse me, is there a copy of “The Little Prince”?”
I opened my eyes and saw Xu Xingruo standing at the door of the bookstore, wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans, holding a sleeping baby in his arms, with the tenderness of a mother in his eyes.”Long time no see.” When she saw me, a surprised smile appeared on her face.
“Long time no see.” I stood up and pointed in the direction of the bookshelf, “Over there, in the third row.”
She walked in with her baby in her arms and quickly found the book.When paying, she looked at me and said softly: “Qiu Sheng, I heard about you. Thank you for helping me back then, and I wish you a good life now.”
“It’s all over.” I smiled and handed over the wrapped book, “The same goes for you, live a good life.”
She nodded, hugged the child and left.Looking at her back, there was no wave in my heart, only a calmness that had settled.We have all found our own happiness in our own lives.
In the evening, the bookstore was about to close. I sat in the rocking chair and watched the sunset dye the sky orange.
There was a black car parked at the entrance of the alley. The window slowly lowered, revealing Song Zhili’s profile.He didn’t get out of the car, but just looked at me from a distance. There was no paranoia in his eyes, only a touch of tenderness and relief.
Seeing me looking over, he raised his hand and waved lightly, then started the car and slowly drove away from the alley.
I didn’t speak, I just closed my eyes again and felt the remaining warmth of the sunset.After all, he chose to protect my final peace in this way.
The days passed like this. The bookstore’s business was not prosperous, but it was enough to make a living.
I bask in the sun every day, read books, and occasionally chat with guests. My life is dull but fulfilling.
It turns out that after all the madness and entanglements are gone, the most reassuring thing is just such a simple and peaceful daily life.
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