Nanke Yifu Chapter 50

Living in the Wind and Staying in the Rain (Twenty-Two)

Feng Su is not a person who likes to go out for a walk and breathe fresh air. It’s okay to go to sparsely populated woods or undeveloped mountains. It’s hard to understand that simply walking around home can be counted as breathing fresh air.He didn’t think there was any difference between the air outside when he opened the windows at home and what he breathed when he stood downstairs. The distance in a straight line was no more than ten meters, and he might be able to smell something strong-smelling. Why did he have to go downstairs when he could obviously do it without going out?And although humans have flying tools, and although there are also abnormal beings that can fly, it is always quieter at high places. If you insist on speaking, standing by the window seems to be better than standing downstairs.

However, during the recovery period, patients should spend more time in the sun, breathe more fresh air, and take appropriate walks and exercise. This is just like lying in bed when sleeping. This is engraved in the subconscious mind of many people.Even though sleeping only requires something to support the body, and there are indeed some situations where lying down to sleep is not possible, it is still objective common sense to “sleep in bed”.In the same way, although not all patients should be exposed to the sun, breathe fresh air, and exercise moderately under all circumstances, Feng Su still subconsciously felt that he should take Yan Lai for a walk instead of being bored at home all day, even if they had been outside for a long time today.

Human thoughts are often so convulsive as to be artificially retarded.

But when they came back from the central area, there was no sunlight to bask in, so they could only bask in the moonlight.

I didn’t plan to go far away, and there wasn’t much in the community, so I just wanted to go to the pet park and have a look. Maybe I could touch other people’s fur.Perhaps it was an unlucky time, the lawn was empty except for one person sitting on the bench next to it, a woman who looked to be over middle-aged.

She just sat there alone, even deliberately avoiding the street lights that were not very bright, sitting in the cold under the night, leaning on the back of the chair, not knowing where to look.

Yan Laixi remembered her as the woman he met when he took Xiao Xi out, the woman with the restraining neck ring.

The clothes she was wearing were different from those in the past, and she was sitting in the dark, so she couldn’t see clearly. However, the faint light on her neck, which indicated that the neck ring was functioning normally, was enough for Yan Laixi to confirm that she was the person he had met before.

“You go back first. I want to say a few words to that person over there.” Yan Laixi pointed to the direction where the woman was sitting and said to Feng Su. He didn’t want to tell Feng Su the whole truth. He didn’t even want Feng Su to know what he was going to do. But Feng Su wouldn’t agree if he didn’t make it clearer. “He’s someone he’s met before, so he won’t talk for too long.”

Sensing his dodge, Feng Su actually wanted to know what Yan Laixi wouldn’t want to say even if he was listening nearby, but obviously, now was not a good time to ask.

“Okay.” He said, “How about I go buy something to eat. There is nothing in the refrigerator, so I won’t cook it myself. What do you want to eat? How long will it take to get home? I’ll calculate the time. Don’t look back and wait for you to get home when it’s cold.”

“Just buy your own.” Yan Laixi said, “I’ll buy it myself before I go back.”

Feng Su: “Then why don’t you buy it for me too, so that I don’t have to go out again? I’ll wait for you at home. Isn’t it too late?”

“Yeah.” Yan Laixi nodded and said, “It shouldn’t take long.”

“Then I’ll go back first.” Feng Su said, turning around and heading home, but when Yan Laixi turned his back to him and walked towards the fenced lawn, he hid behind the corner.

From this angle, people can be seen without being too far away, and they are not easily discovered. You can look at them from time to time while pretending to be waiting for someone, and you won’t be regarded as suspicious.

He has also seen that woman. She is a weirdo who comes to this small pet park every day recently. She does nothing and does not take the initiative to talk to anyone or play with small animals. She just sits there.Feng Su naturally saw the restraining ring around her neck, but he didn’t know the other person’s identity or his relationship with Yan Laixi, so it was difficult to say anything rashly.

Suppressing the neck ring can ensure that people around you will not be harmed by her, but it does not guarantee that people around you will not be frightened by her.

What he said can be asked after he gets back, or he can talk it out, but if something unexpected happens, he can’t even see here from upstairs, and Yan Laixi will most likely not take the initiative to seek help from him.

The so-called going to buy a meal without ingredients in the refrigerator was just an excuse for Yan Laixi to stay outside for a while after the conversation, giving him some time to go back and pretend to be home long ago.

Anyway, Yan Laixi will definitely not “trouble” him to bring food for him, even if it depends on his time, and he will definitely not refuse his request to “help bring food”.

On the other side, Yan Laixi, who had no idea that he was being watched, trotted closer to the fence, and approached the bench in the darkness as if he accidentally found someone while walking and wanted to talk to him.

He always remembered that woman and always felt guilty. When he encountered an opportunity, he naturally wanted to seize it.

It’s just… let alone small animals on the lawn, there is no one except them. It is winter, it is night, it is cold and there is no sun, what is a person doing sitting here?

Yan Laixi walked over, taking small steps, thinking repeatedly in his mind about what to say, how to say hello, how to start the conversation, and what to do if the other party didn’t want to be disturbed or ignored him.

“Hello, can I sit here?” His voice was gentle and polite, and he stood sideways in front of the bench, not being too obviously alienated, but also leaving enough space for the other person.He bowed slightly and asked seemingly naturally, but in fact, the hands that were shrunk in his sleeves had already pinched out small crescents.

Fortunately, he didn’t look away out of politeness, so he didn’t miss the surprise on the woman’s face.

“Of course.” The woman smiled at him, and even though there was enough space for another person to sit next to him, she still moved to the other side.

There were already some wrinkles and marks on her face, and her long black hair was obviously mixed with silvery white, and was tied up loosely and draped over one shoulder. The collar of her coat was opened a little, revealing the collar on her neck. The orange light showed that she was not as calm as she seemed at this time.

Yan Laixi sat at the other end of the bench, still not deliberately approaching or staying away from each other. He asked casually as if he was bored in his spare time: “Are you waiting for someone here?”

“Yes.” The woman seemed to nod. Her movements were very light, just like her voice, as if the next moment a gust of wind would blow her away, “I’m waiting for my child.”

“That’s it.” Yan Laixi clasped his hands together and clasped his index fingers on his thumbs, thinking about what to say next.

While he was still organizing his words, the woman spoke again: “Or maybe I’m waiting for a chance, a chance to see him. I haven’t raised him, so it’s good that I can have a chance to see him now.”

The atmosphere suddenly became a little heavy, and Yan Laixi didn’t know what to say now. There was too little information that could be obtained in a few words, and rushing to comfort him might have the opposite effect.

“I didn’t expect you to come and talk to me.” The woman said, there was no blame in her tone, but it was this almost pleasant calmness that made Yan Laixi feel even more tormented.

“I’m sorry, last time…” At this time, all he could say seemed to be to apologize. But after he said the words, Yan Laixi remembered that he didn’t have a reasonable reason that he could say to her.

“No need to apologize, I…” the woman shook her head, paused, and said, “I know you don’t mean any harm. And I’m really happy that you can come and talk to me… But it’s getting late, and I should go back… I hope we can meet again next time.”

She finally raised her head that had been hanging down and looked at Yan Laixi. The eyes covered by the night and turbidity seemed to be brighter, and they turned out to be amber.

“Can you tell me your name?” she stood up and asked.

“Yan Laixi, my name is Yan Laixi.”

“Yan Laixi…” the woman murmured, smiled slightly, nodded to the young man who was still looking up at her, turned and walked away.

Yan Laixi… Laixi…

She turned back and looked at the thin figure walking towards the streetlight.

The books are sparse, but they seem pretty good.

By the time Yan Laixi returned home, Feng Su had already sat on the sofa and opened up his animal world. The picture on the TV happened to be showing a lioness who had lost her cub.

After changing his shoes, hanging up his coat, and placing the plastic lunch box on the coffee table, Yan Laixi took the light home clothes and went to the bathroom to change. There was still a faint smile on the corner of his mouth, and he would still respond gently and gently when talking to him, but Feng Su could tell that he was a little depressed.

The height of the coffee table is actually uncomfortable for people sitting on the sofa when doing the action of eating. People who often sit like this to eat may find it okay, but for people who are used to sitting on the table to eat, it will be a little uncomfortable.Rather than bending down, Yan Laixi felt it was more comfortable to hold the bowl up.

“Is he someone you know? The one just now.” Feng Su lowered the volume of the TV and asked.

“Not really.” Yan Laixi said, “I just met Xiao Xi once before when I took Xiao Xi out.”

“Yeah.” Feng Su replied without asking any more questions.

“You said, my mother, the mother who gave birth to me.” Yan Laixi put down her chopsticks, held the bowl in both hands and placed it on her lap, lowered her head, and asked as if talking to herself, “Will… just a little, just a little. Will she think of me occasionally? Will she want to see me?”

“I don’t know.” Feng Su said, “I don’t know why she hurt you and took the initiative to send you away, or whether there was some reason why she had to let you grow up in the orphanage. If she chose to send you to the orphanage to prevent you from being hurt again, then maybe she would, but if it was because of other reasons… she thought you were troublesome or something like that, then even if she did, it would only be because she still wants to get something from you until now.”

Yan Laixi seemed to have completely lost his appetite. He put down the meal he had not eaten, took off his slippers, stepped on the sofa, and stepped back. His back was against the backrest, and he sat with his knees bent, his arms folded on his knees, and half of his face buried in his arms.

“It would have been better if I had not been born.” His voice was not loud, and because his mouth and nose were covered, it seemed muffled. It was more like a small complaint to himself. “The mother who gave birth to me didn’t want me. The mother who raised me wanted to find a new home for me. The mother who brought me home with joy found that I was actually a trouble. If it weren’t for me, if the child she gave birth to was not me, they should all be a lot easier.”

Feng Su paused while picking up vegetables with his chopsticks, wondering if he was hearing hallucinations. After a while, he found no other abnormalities. He put down his chopsticks and turned to look at the source of the “hearing hallucinations.”

“So, you don’t think it would have been better if she had not given birth to you, but you think it would have been better if she had not given birth to you?” Feng Su looked at Yan Laixi in disbelief. The other party did not speak and just looked away, but this was already the default reaction. He knew that Yan Laixi’s brain circuit was quite magical, but this was too magical. “As long as it is a normal baby, it will cry.No, as long as it’s a normal baby, it’s not easy to raise, but an abnormal baby will be more difficult to raise.You are at least a healthy child with no very troublesome abnormalities. Since she will almost kill you with her own hands, and since she will send you away, except for some very special coincidences, no matter what kind of child she gives birth to, the outcome will not change.”

Yan Lai smiled thinly and said, “It might just be a coincidence. It happens that she is particularly sensitive to sounds, and it happens that when I was a child, I was particularly noisy.”

Feng Su sighed and said, “Don’t always look for problems on yourself.”

“There is no compulsory study or examination required before having a child. Many, or even the vast majority of people do not actually know how to raise a child correctly. Even if they have become mothers or fathers, they are not qualified caregivers. There are so many unqualified caregivers that those who have reasons, difficulties, or are relatively close to the passing line seem to be excusable., even when their children are unwilling to choose to accept, choose to endure, and choose to forgive, they will become the pitiful victim in the eyes of everyone.But you have to know that giving birth to a child is not like going to school. You only have to bear the consequences of failing. In this, there are too many people who fail, and it is only the passing rate that will be lower, not the passing standard.Since she gave birth to you, she must bear this responsibility, no matter what the reason is, whether it is an accident.She should have thought it through before she decided to let you come into this world.It is her responsibility not to consider it thoroughly, but it is also her responsibility to not consider it thoroughly.Whether it is love, compensation, or rescue, they are all products that appear after the birth of life, and they cannot offset these responsibilities.In other words, whether it is an embryo or a child who is just a few days old, do you think that kind of emotion is really for the child as an individual?Love?The so-called love only comes from your own contribution, which is the same as investment, so those savings are just to make you lose less and make more. In the final analysis, it is for yourself.You have to remember that any child, including you, whether he wants to be born or not, in this matter, you will always be the victim, not the mistake.”

After talking for a long time, his mouth was dry, but Yan Laixi still buried half of his face in his arms and said softly: “I just… I seem to have a little hope that she will not give birth to me.”

Feng Su just felt that all his talk for a long time was in vain, when he heard Yan Laixi say: “In that case, no matter whether the result is good or bad, it has nothing to do with me.”

“…What about you?” Feng Su asked.

“Me?” Yan Laixi turned his head and rested it on his arm. He thought for a while and said, “It doesn’t matter what happens. If it didn’t exist from the beginning, then there would be nothing to consider.”

Indeed, if it had not existed from the beginning, there would be nothing to consider.

But there seems to be something wrong, something is wrong… something that completely deviates from the current direction of the conversation…

Feng Su looked at the lonely beast cub on the TV, opened and closed his lips, and asked a question that he didn’t even know why he asked: “Do you want to meet her? The person who gave birth to you.”

There was still silence, but the fingers on his shoulders tightened, and Feng Su knew that the answer was to think.

“What happened?” he asked, “Did the man downstairs just say anything to you?”

“It’s nothing.” Yan Laixi said, “She was just there, waiting for the chance to meet her child.”

“I’ve always been thinking, whether it’s my reason or her reason, she threw me away because she didn’t want me anymore. She didn’t want to see me. As long as I think about it, I can control myself and not think about her, not to wonder what kind of person she is, not to want to find her or meet her, but… if not… if she…Is there any real difficulty or a last resort reason? If she also wants to see me, then…” Yan Laixi paused for a long time and did not continue, “I don’t know why. I obviously don’t remember her at all. I have never seen her except for the few days after she was born.I should not have any feelings for her, but I still…”

I want to meet her, I want to find her, I want to see her, I want to see the mother who only exists in my imagination and gave birth to me.Yan Laixi could not say such simple words.

“Then I’ll accompany you.” Feng Su said, filling in half of Yan Laixi’s unspoken words, “If you want to see her, I’ll go with you to find her and go with you.”

However, Yan Laixi shook his head and rejected it flatly: “No, it can’t be done. I have my own life, and she must have her own life too. If she doesn’t come to me, I won’t bother her. It’s the best choice to just keep it like this.”

There was a brief silence in the room. Feng Su moved his hand on the sofa to Yan Laixi’s side, broke it, and asked, “Are you scared?”

“…Hmm.”

I’m not afraid that she really just hates me, I’m not afraid that she doesn’t even want to meet him, but I’m afraid that the facts are different from what I guessed. I’m also afraid that the reason why she and I can’t see each other still hasn’t gone away, and I’m afraid that if we do meet, it will only increase the pain of lovesickness.

However, Feng Su didn’t ask why. He didn’t ask anything. He just said, “Then I won’t go.”

“Then forget her completely.”

“Anyway, you have family and friends now. As long as you want to, you can have a lover at any time. She is not necessary in your life.”

“I know.” Yan Laixi said, “I just thought of her suddenly. It won’t matter after a while.”

“Then let’s sleep for a while.” Feng Suqing stepped forward and took the person into his arms, “Just take a nap and wake up again.”

As if being stuffed into a ball of cotton, the consciousness gradually drifted away like a cloud, as if something was approaching, as if touching something, and as if being held up by something, and finally fell into a warm softness and fell into a deep sleep.