Chapter 55

Chapter 55

After three days of languishing at Fang Xing’s house, Ling Sheng took the dejected puppy back.

“Go take a shower.” Ling Sheng handed him the pajamas and underwear he had previously left there.

Jiang Chen obediently took the clothes, but turned back at the bathroom door. His eyes were still bloodshot, red and swollen, with dark circles under his eyes. His hair was messy, and his chin was covered with a light blue stubble. When he stared at Ling Sheng, he looked like a puppy that had just been abandoned by its owner, only to find its way back with great difficulty.

The kind that had suffered a lot of bullying on the way.

Ling Sheng looked at his flickering eyes and remembered how he had held his hand and cried in his sleep. His heart melted into a puddle. He hooked his neck and kissed him on the lips: “Go take a shower first.”

The kiss seemed to inject him with energy. Jiang Chen finally took the clothes and went into the bathroom.

Ling Sheng sat on the sofa, wanting to pull out a cigarette. He had been craving them these past few days, and couldn’t help but smoke one whenever he stopped. But looking at the ashtray on the table full of cigarette butts, he thought for a moment, then threw the cigarette pack into the drawer, emptied the ashtray, and went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands.

Then he sat on the sofa and waited for Jiang Chen.

Jiang Chen quickly finished his shower and came out, wiping his hair. Seeing Ling Sheng sitting on the sofa, he stopped a few steps away when Ling Sheng looked up. He turned around to go back: “I forgot to shave, I’ll go shave.”

“Come here.” Ling Sheng called him. “Let’s talk.”

Jiang Chen’s back stiffened for a moment. He stood there for several seconds, as if finally making up his mind, before finally turning around: “Talk about what?”

“About you coming out of the closet.”

Jiang Chen was stunned for a moment before realizing what Ling Sheng was saying. He suddenly pounced on him, his eyes flashing with enormous surprise: “Really? You really agreed?”

“Just think it through.” Ling Sheng was pinned to the sofa. The water droplets from his wet hair splashed on his face, like a big dog that had just been playing in the water. He took off his glasses and threw them on the coffee table.

Jiang Chen immediately leaned over to kiss him.

He had almost developed a conditioned reflex to Ling Sheng taking off his glasses. To him, it was a signal that Ling Sheng wanted to kiss.

But after kissing for a while, he let go of him, supporting himself on his arms, slightly away from his body. His tone was hesitant and retreating: “I don’t want to force you to go public. I just want to be more certain about our relationship. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

Ling Sheng’s fingers traced over the dark circles under his eyes, and he said slowly: “I know, but before coming out of the closet, there are some things we need to clarify.”

Jiang Chen looked at him for a few seconds, then wrapped his arms around him, burying his head in Ling Sheng’s shoulder, inhaling the faint scent on his body. He shook his head: “No need, I won’t ask. It’s not important.”

It didn’t matter what position he held in Ling Sheng’s heart. He had figured it out. Those people were all in the past. As long as he stayed with him, one year, two years, ten years, twenty years, one day he would surpass them.

“Those things aren’t important, but you are.” Ling Sheng was tickled and slightly hurt by his stubble. He pushed his head away: “I demand that you be honest with me, and I must be honest with you too.”

Jiang Chen felt that something was different about Ling Sheng. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he felt like the thin film that had always existed between them had broken.

“Before I decided to pursue Xiang Yang, I confessed to my mom. I think it’s a kind of responsibility. I hope that after he accepts my feelings, he won’t have to bear any pressure from my family.”

In fact, when Jiang Chen initially thought about coming out of the closet, he hadn’t intended to drag Ling Sheng into it. He wanted to resolve the issues with his family first before bringing Ling Sheng back. He completely understood.

Sixteen years old for the first crush, eighteen years old for the confession, twenty years old for the broken heart, and up to twenty-five years old, he had not been able to get rid of the impact of that relationship. He Xiaoyun said it ran through his entire youth, both right and wrong, in ten years, the actual time together was only four months, but the relationship did have a profound impact on him.

“Xiang Yang was my first love, very deep. I learned to cook for him. At that time, I did a lot of… irrational things.” Ling Sheng smiled slightly, as if mocking himself.

Jiang Chen asked: “What irrational things?”

Ling Sheng looked at him. Things he never wanted to mention, but now, saying them didn’t seem so difficult, maybe because he knew that no matter what he said, the person in front of him would show him emotions other than just fondness: “For example, growing my hair long, wearing skirts, dressing up as a girl to trick him into bed.”

Although Jiang Chen had prepared himself mentally, at this moment, his fists still clenched.

Ling Sheng knew that some people had this hobby, but he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it for the sake of hobbies and interests. However, Ling Sheng didn’t. He didn’t like anything he had done, but at that time, in order to win back Xiang Yang, he was willing to do anything.

After Xiang Yang broke up with him, he told him, I’m sorry, but I still like girls.

He had even done such silly things, growing his hair long, wearing a red dress, and putting on makeup, just to win back the heart of someone who didn’t like him at all.

Actually, looking back now, all the dissatisfaction was just because there wasn’t enough love.

At that time, he might not have been able to see clearly, or maybe he saw clearly but didn’t want to admit it, nor did he want to admit it.

He begged Xiang Yang to sleep with him one last time, to try one last time, to give him one last chance. They kissed and fell onto the bed, but when Xiang Yang turned on the light and saw his body under the light, he still left.

All he left him with was an apology.

This made him very depressed for a time. The depression came from self-denial. He felt that it was all his fault, his one-sided liking, his one-sided pursuit, his one-sided attempt to win him back. Xiang Yang had only agreed to try, he just… didn’t fall in love with him.

That time was difficult. He refused to have intimate relationships with people. In order to escape the problem of not being loved, he found many reasons, because he wasn’t good enough, because his body wasn’t attractive enough, and even wondered why he wasn’t a girl. Later, Coco accompanied him through it, and then, in order to divert his attention, he put all his time and energy into work, but the self-loathing and fear of being abandoned deep down were only suppressed, not completely resolved.

Until he met He Xiaoyun, He Xiaoyun was the right person who appeared at the right time.

He needed something to liberate him from his increasingly repressed heart, and He Xiaoyun was the most hedonistic person. He made him feel what it meant to enjoy the moment, to learn to enjoy sex, to tell him that sex was originally a part of love. He was a perfect lover.

The three months he spent with He Xiaoyun were very happy, not only because of the passion that He Xiaoyun brought him, but more importantly, he learned to re-recognize and accept his body. However, he still couldn’t overcome one thing, so every time they did it, he asked to turn off the lights. He was still afraid of being seen in the bright light. Ling Sheng had revealed a little, but He Xiaoyun didn’t ask in detail, nor did he delve into it. To him, it wasn’t important, and he just took it as a kind of fun.

Looking back now, he should have noticed it at the time. He Xiaoyun might have liked him, but he didn’t love him. He didn’t have much interest in his past, in those things deep in his heart. Compared to feelings, he only needed to be happy at the moment. Ling Sheng saw this, so the two could get along, but from the beginning, he hadn’t thought about it, nor had he prepared for a long-term relationship.

When He Xiaoyun invited him to the United States, he was very surprised. He hesitated, but finally refused. He Xiaoyun naturally didn’t try to keep him. He wasn’t surprised, only felt regret.

And Wu Xia was a way of life. Compared to the intense feelings of pursuing Xiang Yang’s unrequited love and being with He Xiaoyun, Wu Xia was as gentle as a cup of warm water. No matter winter or summer, it was always comfortable, gentle, and calm to drink. Ling Sheng had seriously thought about just living with him like that, but the longer it went on, the clearer he saw himself. Wu Xia wasn’t the person he wanted.

He didn’t want to delay Wu Xia, nor did he want to compromise himself.

After returning to Jiang City, he was indeed attracted to Wang Mingan, because his flamboyant posture on the court was very similar to Xiang Yang’s back then. Perhaps it was out of nostalgia for the past that he had a bit of a filter for Wang Mingan, but this filter quickly shattered into pieces.

After listening to everything, Jiang Chen hesitated and thought of the honesty that Ling Sheng had mentioned, and finally asked: “Am I very similar to him?”

Ling Sheng reached out and grabbed the back of his head, pulling him closer: “No, not at all. You are you, and he is he. I don’t have a fetish for substitute romance. Xiao Chen, I’m twenty-eight years old, not eighteen. I can tell the difference!”

Although Jiang Chen knew, hearing him say it personally still made him feel a great sigh of relief. He hugged Ling Sheng tightly, no longer suppressing the thoughts in his heart, and asked all the questions.

“Are you still in contact?”

“Yes, he’s my mom’s student and has always had a good relationship with her. He sends my mom gifts every year on her birthday. If he happens to have time, we’ll get together on my mom’s birthday.”

“They were first love, passion, stability, what am I?”

“You are the present, the future, the sum of everything.” Ling Sheng cupped his face, pulled him closer, looked him straight in the eye, and said seriously: “Jiang Chen, I want to spend my life with you.”

Jiang Chen’s eyes were red. He felt that he must be very embarrassed and pathetic now, a grown man about to cry, but he couldn’t care about that anymore. “Do you still think I’m straight and worry that I’ll go back to being straight?”

Ling Sheng smiled, his smile full of relief: “I’m not worried, and it’s not important anymore.”

Being straight or gay wasn’t that important to begin with. When he saw Jiang Chen holding his hand and shedding tears in his sleep, he suddenly understood at that moment.

The reason why Xiang Yang went back to being straight was simply because he hadn’t fallen in love with him in the first place. Perhaps out of pity, out of habit, out of various other factors, he had agreed to be with him, but because there wasn’t enough love, there were so many reasons.

He could be so brave for someone who had rejected him and hurt him. Facing Jiang Chen, who liked him so much, why should he shrink back?

He had resented many things, resented his gender, resented his body. Over the years, he had met many people and seen many different feelings, and on the way back with Jiang Chen today, he finally felt that he had truly let go.

In the beginning, he had given everything he could to pursue a relationship, and although there wasn’t a good result, he had tried his best and had a clear conscience.

Heaven had sent Jiang Chen to his side to love him, and that was already the best reward. He should cherish it, not cower and hold back.

Jiang Chen’s heart was surging, his hands trembling with excitement, his chest rising and falling heavily, a bit like a child crying and gasping for breath, both funny and pitiful.

Ling Sheng cupped his face and kissed him, kissing his red eyes, kissing his soft cheeks, kissing his chin covered with light blue stubble, and finally landing on his lips.

The kiss was gentle and lingering. No one taught, no one learned, just moving according to instinct, exchanging each other’s body temperature.

“Go to the bedroom, turn on the lights.”