Chapter 53

Chapter 53

Coming Out?

Ling Sheng was getting a headache from the questions Jiang Chen kept throwing at him: “You asked him to come out?”

He knew He Xiaoyun had visited the Jiang family because of the project, but He Xiaoyun hadn’t spilled the beans about their relationship. That wasn’t He Xiaoyun’s style, so he hadn’t been too worried. But how did it loop back to coming out?

He Xiaoyun sat there, looking relaxed: “I don’t have that kind of power.”

Ling Sheng couldn’t say much more to him. After understanding the situation, he called Jiang Chen.

As soon as the call connected, he impatiently asked, “Where are you?”

Jiang Chen was driving, on his way to his brother’s place. He answered truthfully.

Ling Sheng was silent for a few seconds. He calmed down, trying to keep his tone calm and gentle: “Come to my place tonight.”

Jiang Chen thought of the message he’d sent last night. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he let out a soft breath. Ling Sheng didn’t hear it since he was on speakerphone. He said, “I really do have something to discuss with my brother, and I need to go home tonight. I’ll come over tomorrow if I have time.”

Ling Sheng felt a surge of anxiety. He couldn’t be as calm as before and directly asked, “What do you need to talk about with your brother?”

Jiang Chen wanted to confess to his brother first, then explain everything to his parents.

“Come to my place now.” Ling Sheng’s tone unconsciously carried a hint of command. Jiang Chen’s silence made him feel panicked.

Jiang Chen realized at that moment that Ling Sheng probably knew something. The only possibility was that He Xiaoyun had told him. He pulled the car over, picked up his phone, and sent He Xiaoyun a message: [Did you tell Ling Sheng?]

He Xiaoyun seemed to be waiting for him, and the reply came instantly: [Yes.]

JC: [Didn’t we say not to tell him yet?]

He Xiaoyun: [I didn’t agree to that.]

Jiang Chen pursed his lips, but quickly decided it didn’t matter. Ling Sheng would find out sooner or later.

“Jiang Chen!”

Having not heard his voice for a while, Ling Sheng’s voice had deepened, with a hint of panic besides the seriousness.

Hearing his voice, Jiang Chen leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. In the end, he relented and turned the car around. When he arrived at Ling Sheng’s place, it was only four o’clock. He entered familiarly and sat on the sofa in a daze.

His mind replayed everything that had happened with Ling Sheng recently.

From the initial love at first sight to the thrill of each meeting, the impulsive confession, and then gradually falling deeper and deeper.

From Wang Mingan to Wu Xia, and then He Xiaoyun.

When He Xiaoyun appeared, he was anxious and flustered. But now that someone even more threatening seemed to have appeared, he calmed down instead, with a sense of inevitability, that he just had to face it.

He sat on the sofa until six thirty, when Ling Sheng pushed the door open.

Ling Sheng usually had to work overtime. He must have come straight home after work today.

It was completely dark outside. Jiang Chen hadn’t turned on the lights while sitting on the sofa. When Ling Sheng turned on the lights, he saw the silent figure sitting there.

“Xiao Chen?” Ling Sheng rushed over, losing his usual composure, a hint of panic on his face.

Jiang Chen, however, was much calmer. He saw Ling Sheng and smiled softly, only the corners of his mouth curving up, while his eyes were filled with a deep sadness.

Ling Sheng took off his shoes and walked to the sofa. Seeing that Jiang Chen was wearing the same style of slippers, he felt inexplicably more at ease, and finally regained some composure.

He sat down on the sofa, looking at Jiang Chen’s unusually calm demeanor. He cautiously took a small breath and asked, “What did He Xiaoyun say to you today?”

Jiang Chen lowered his eyes, his expression and posture unchanged, and simply said, “He said you once had someone you loved very much, who was with you throughout your entire youth.”

Ling Sheng actually knew that He Xiaoyun didn’t know much, and he wasn’t in the mood to really investigate his past from so long ago, so Jiang Chen couldn’t know too much either.

But he didn’t know why, the calmer Jiang Chen was, the more panicked he felt.

He lowered his head, sitting on the sofa, pursing his lips for a while before slowly opening his mouth to say, “Yes, he’s right.”

The two had never been like this before. Even the night Jiang Chen found out about his past with He Xiaoyun, they hadn’t been this silent. Silence in a relationship was never a good sign.

Ling Sheng’s heart was trembling. He wasn’t used to this side of Jiang Chen, the feeling of actively distancing himself from him was even stronger than last time. He closed his eyes, trying to keep his voice calm: “My mother was a high school teacher. He was my mother’s student. He came to our house for tutoring in the first year of high school, and that’s how we met. His name was Xiang Yang.”

Xiang Yang was the one who helped him distinguish his sexuality. The sixteen-year-old boy was ignorant and confused. He took a shower at his house because he was too hot from playing basketball. Ling Sheng looked at his slender and youthful back and felt an unspeakable impulse, something he had never felt before.

Later, they became closer and closer, and he discovered his different feelings for him in their repeated, unintentional closeness.

Ling Sheng stood up, took out a cigarette from his pocket. He didn’t ask Jiang Chen and lit one directly, taking a strong puff and slowly exhaling. The smoke dissipated between them. He finished the cigarette before continuing, “I went to the same university as him. After the results came out, I confessed my sexuality to my mom, and then on the first day of university, I confessed to him. I pursued him for a year and a half, and he agreed to be with me, but after four months, he broke up with me because he felt like he was still straight, that he didn’t have feelings for men. That’s all.”

After saying everything, Ling Sheng suddenly felt like his body was a little lighter.

He didn’t want Jiang Chen to come out rashly because they were different. Ling Sheng was born that way, he didn’t have feelings for women, he only liked men, but Jiang Chen was different.

Feelings could change at any time. A straight man could be bent and then go straight again. Even if society was more tolerant of homosexuality, the mainstream sexuality would still make his life much easier.

He didn’t want him to have no way out when he regretted it.

Jiang Chen, however, didn’t seem to care much about this matter, and only said, “I will tell my family about us.”

He used a declarative sentence, not a question.

Ling Sheng turned to look at him, his brow furrowed, his whole body shrouded in a layer of barely suppressed anger: “Does it have to be now?”

Jiang Chen retorted, “Why wait any longer?”

Every time this question was brought up, Ling Sheng felt a surge of panic. He still remembered how Xiang Yang had said sorry to him.

Ling Sheng took out another cigarette. Just as he was about to light it, Jiang Chen took it away.

“Don’t smoke.”

Ling Sheng threw the lighter on the coffee table, a rude movement completely unlike his usual self. He stood up and paced back and forth, his hands on his hips, before looking at Jiang Chen: “Why do you have to dwell on this issue? Isn’t it good the way things are now? You’re still too young, there are so many uncertainties in the future, why do you have to block your own path!”

Jiang Chen always compromised before, but he wasn’t prepared to back down this time. He also stood up, looking directly at Ling Sheng: “I don’t need a so-called way out. I know very well what I’m doing now, and why I’m doing it.”

“You don’t understand!” Ling Sheng’s voice involuntarily rose, he ran his hands through his hair, the image of Xiang Yang rejecting him vividly appearing before his eyes again.

He could never forget the feeling of helplessness and despair.

“Sorry, Ling Sheng, I wanted to try with you, but after trying, I really can’t accept it.”

“I still want to return to a normal life.”

It was laughable, he told Wu Xia not to get entangled with straight men, but the people he truly loved, one was Xiang Yang, and the other was Jiang Chen, both straight men.

Jiang Chen’s face, which had seemed calm all day, could no longer hold back. He looked at Ling Sheng, his eyes filled with broken sadness: “Ling Sheng, what were you thinking when you started dating me?”

Ling Sheng looked up at him.

Jiang Chen’s voice was very low. His usually straight back was slightly hunched, and his shoulders slumped, as if protecting the aching heart in his chest, as if that would stop it from being hurt: “You always say that not being public is to leave me a way out, but I never asked you to do that. You don’t want to plan our future, you don’t want our relationship to be seen, I feel like you’re always hiding something from me, I want to know, but I’m afraid you’ll get angry, so I’m very nervous and uneasy. I worry if there’s someone in your heart who’s more important than me, if one day you’ll treat me the same way you treat them, ending things whenever you want, leaving whenever you want.”

Ling Sheng stood there, hearing Jiang Chen say this for the first time.

Jiang Chen lowered his hands, his gaze also lowered. He had endured these words for a long time, always feeling like he wasn’t mature enough, not rational enough, that he shouldn’t expose these negative emotions. Unconsciously, he became more and more cautious.

“You always talk about straight and gay, worrying that I won’t understand or accept it, worrying that I’ll regret it, worrying that I’ll go straight again one day, but does straight or gay really matter that much?” Jiang Chen’s gaze was deep. He looked at Ling Sheng, the waves in his eyes surging deeper, like a deep vortex: “Isn’t liking important? Isn’t love important?”

This question stumped Ling Sheng, his mind blank for a moment, speechless.

Jiang Chen stared at him for a while, bent down, picked up his coat from the sofa, and prepared to leave.

Ling Sheng subconsciously grabbed his wrist, not wanting him to leave.

Jiang Chen, however, shook off his wrist. He lowered his eyes, hiding the emotions in them, his whole body shrouded in an invisible melancholy and sadness.

“Xiao Chen, I…” Ling Sheng immediately reached out and grabbed his arm again. At that moment, an unprecedented panic swept over him. He even felt that if he let go, Jiang Chen would leave without looking back.

Would it all end just like that between them?

“I won’t come out to my family for now, don’t worry.” Jiang Chen said softly, “I respect your decision.”

The problem between them wasn’t something that coming out or not could solve, Jiang Chen knew, and Ling Sheng knew too.

Ling Sheng felt that if he didn’t say something, Jiang Chen would really leave, but his mind was a mess at that moment, he didn’t know what to say. This made him feel a little suffocated, as if his entire chest was trapped in an invisible glass bottle, not enough oxygen, but he couldn’t escape. Unconsciously, he tightened his fingers, holding him tightly: “We can discuss this matter further.”

Jiang Chen turned back to look at him, the shadow of his eyelashes falling into his pupils, a heavier expression than ever before. He seemed to be digging out something that had been hidden in his heart for a long time, laying it all out in front of Ling Sheng, slowly saying: “Ling Sheng, are you really leaving me a way out?”