Chew Slowly Chapter 88

Chapter 88 Chapter 88

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Lilian said there is an invisible umbilical cord between him and Lu Xiaoyun.

Xu Qiaochuan found it difficult to accept this statement at first, but Lilian asked him: “Who do you hope to see when you are absolutely alone and powerless?”

He was stunned for a moment, then tilted his head, as if it was difficult to accept the name that appeared at the first moment.Lilian also told him that it was important not to immediately deny and correct any thoughts that came to his mind, as they were real.

But why her and not Chen Zongqian?Xu Qiaochuan couldn’t understand. He wanted to escape so much and disappear into a world with “mother”, but he could easily be called back by a phone call.No matter how far away they are, there is still only an “umbilical cord” between them.

When talking about Lu Xiaoyun’s death after falling from the building, Xu Qiaochuan stared out the window in trance. Lilian observed for a moment, and just as he was about to get up and close the curtains, Xu Qiaochuan suddenly said: “I won’t jump.”

He did not see the tragic scene of Lu Xiaoyun falling from the building with his own eyes, but he seemed to have synesthesia that day. He could feel bones breaking and crushing, skin and flesh cracking and bleeding over and over again. Even the feeling of ruptured organs and gradually losing life in the body was very clear.The whole world was shattered into pieces. At that time, he seemed to have died along with Lu Xiaoyun.

He had trauma back then.

“‘You have to be successful, don’t be like me,’ she always told me.” Xu Qiaochuan felt numb. When he realized that it was difficult to control his expression, he immediately covered his face.He had no tears, but the muscles on his face kept trembling, “What exactly does she want me to become? She never told me.”

Xu Qiaochuan has lived for more than ten or twenty years now, and Lu Xiaoyun has occupied most of his life.He learned from her in ignorance, was influenced by her, and thought that it would be fine to just listen to his mother’s words, but his subconscious denied this.

“I often felt that she was talking to me, but then I couldn’t hear her anymore,” Xu Qiaochuan recalled.Her voice always sounded when she was obsessed with Chen Zongqian’s eyes and forgot about herself.When did it disappear?After his complete mental breakdown, not only Lu Xiaoyun, he had difficulty hearing any sound clearly, and could only use electrotherapy to force himself to calm down.

Lilian asked: “Do you still wish you could hear her voice?”

Xu Qiaochuan frowned. He opened his mouth to say something, but he hesitated and fell silent.It took a long time before I asked, “Should I not have such thoughts?”

“Instead of denying and correcting its existence, we should analyze the reasons for its emergence.”

“What is it?”

“It’s because you think you can’t face this independently. You hope she can tell you the answer, because she always helps you make a lot of right decisions, so that you can get to where you are today, right?”

Lilian saw the shock on his face and quickly calmed down again.Xu Qiaochuan could no longer deny his dependence on Lu Xiaoyun. It was so absurd, but so real.

“Why are you so dependent on her?” Lilian wanted to know what the “umbilical cord” was. She learned the truth from Chen Zongqian. Lu Xiaoyun was not his biological mother.But Xu Qiaochuan’s answer goes beyond blood ties, “You said she is the only person in the world who will not abandon you.”

Lilian couldn’t help but glance in the direction of the door. The door was locked and someone was waiting outside.

“But she still left me because of death.” Xu Qiaochuan said softly.

He saw that Lu Xiaoyun’s blood-stained hair had been cleaned and the scars had been whitewashed, as if she was just sleeping with her eyes closed.But he also saw Lu Xiaoyun being pushed into the cremation furnace and then lost sight of her again.He forgot what state of mind he was in when he collected the bones. Was it the pain of broken bones and skin, or was it a speck of dust carried away by a tropical cyclone?There was no difference, he was abandoned by fate again.

Before he can truly grow into an independent person, he needs a new dependency.He found Chen Zongqian, and that became the only visible bright color in his gloomy world.

The connection that does not rely on the “umbilical cord” is not strong in his eyes, and he can only use vague emotions-love or hate.Xu Qiaochuan followed his own desires and used the most extreme and intense way to connect with this person.There was nothing wrong with melting into that night, but Lu Xiaoyun asked him: Is this what you want?

“He wants to turn me into Chen Xingran.” When he said the name, Xu Qiaochuan smiled, only on the surface, with deep suspicion in his eyes, “I also want to turn him into…brother.”

But that concession, that erotic indulgence is just an illusion.He didn’t know what purpose Chen Zongqian kept him in. He realized that he could not become Chen Xingran, and Chen Zongqian could not become the perfect fantasy in his heart. Before being abandoned again, he gave up on Chen Zongqian.

Xu Qiaochuan didn’t want it anymore and started avoiding Chen Zongqian just like he avoided Lu Xiaoyun.

Lilian looked at the paintings drawn by Xu Qiaochuan, and she asked Xu Qiaochuan to try to draw houses, trees and people.Xu Qiaochuan is very smart and sharp. The lines he draws are concise and neat, and he can summarize the house in just a few strokes.This picture also shows the most specific house, a red brick bungalow.There is a broken but repaired fence, the door of the house is closed, and both windows have iron bars.

The trees were painted very casually. Xu Qiaochuan used crayons to paint several groups of gray-green, dense shade, and particularly slender branches.They block the door, leaving a narrow gap in the middle.

The human figure was drawn last. Xu Qiaochuan’s painting was very blurry, and he gently drew a human figure in the iron fence.

The largest and deepest color in this painting is red, which is the main body of the house. Xu Qiaochuan obviously has very special and strong emotions for this house.The damaged but repaired wall means that he feels trapped here and wants to escape, but also instinctively maintains this place where he can feel safe. Xu Qiaochuan puts people in the room. He is very alert and locks the door and closes the windows as a defense.

Since we were in a house, the perspective must be from the inside out. Lilian put herself in that environment and found that apart from the walls, the trees were also a barrier that couldn’t be ignored.The shade of the trees is dense, covering a large area of the sky, and the branches are hidden among them. They are weak and weak, just like Xu Qiaochuan, unable to make any choice amid numerous sieges.

That’s why his image is so blurry and random, and he can’t see himself clearly through many barriers.

Lilian touched a gap between the shades of the trees and asked Xu Qiaochuan: “You said that when you left Chen for the first time, you bought a ticket and wanted to go home.”

Xu Qiaochuan nodded. At that time, he had just recovered from his injuries. Because of Xu Jian, his job and rented house were gone. The only place to go was the old house in Guantang Village.He had always wanted to cut off the relationship with his parents and stay away from home, but when he was most lonely and helpless, he still wanted to return home.

“You have grown up there for more than ten years. It is the only place that gives you a sense of belonging and the only place you know that can change with you. Do you hope to rebuild yourself there?”

Not quite right, Xu Qiaochuan thought.He did not return to his old house in Guantang Village at that time. When he went back again, it was to visit Lu Xiaoyun’s grave. He stayed, but his spirit collapsed again.

If nothing changes, his life will continue on the original track, and he will live like Lu Xiaoyun according to his habits, spending his youth in the factory until his bones are corroded by the cutting fluid.But he met Chen Zongqian, a butterfly that only stayed in his world for a second. Xu Qiaochuan pursued it obsessively, but was swept away by the storm.

He first experienced a huge change in his family, and then learned that his destiny was completely upended due to chaos, and his future was completely rewritten.Xu Qiaochuan could not do anything about it, he was so helpless.

“So you left home.”

Xu Qiaochuan nodded. He was picked up by Chen Simin and briefly came into contact with a completely unfamiliar world that was incompatible with him.This happened later and he didn’t have time to tell Lilian, but he knew he was scared.

Where else to go?Xu Qiaochuan didn’t know that he could no longer use Lu Xiaoyun to force him to make a choice.When he should have made the choice by himself, he fell into confusion and confusion, and he had no self at all.

It’s like a prisoner trapped in a cave, able to sense the world only through shadows and echoes.

“The process of getting in touch with the truth and finding your true self is painful.Just like those prisoners who have been trapped for a long time, when they first see the light, their eyes are dark and at a loss. It will take a long time to open their eyes.But people can choose to always look at the shadow in the cave, or they can choose to turn around and embrace the reality.The reason why you found me and sat here talking to me means that you also want to see clearly what your true self is like.”

He said yes, after all, he had experienced pain for too long.

Xu Qiaochuan was in a trance when he woke up. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling in trance. This place was familiar yet strange, and Chen Zongqian’s breath was everywhere.It was Chen Zongqian’s room, but Chen Zongqian was not there.He reached out to his side, but there was not much warmth there.

The curtains were drawn, and the skylight peeked through the gauze a little, making it impossible to guess the time.Xu Qiaochuan couldn’t recall what happened before. When he stood up, his bones were sore and swollen. His legs felt weak when they hit the ground, and he almost rolled off the bed.He pushed open the door and went out, blinded by the light.

Chen Zongqian was feeding the cat when he heard the movement in the bedroom. He quickly packed away the marshal’s dinner and walked to him.Xu Qiaochuan’s fever subsided, but he didn’t seem to wake up completely. He was as warm and soft as a cat.

“Xiaoqiao?”Chen Zongqian couldn’t bear to let go and kissed the side of his neck.

Xu Qiaochuan was itchy. He recovered from the chaos and raised his head to meet Chen Zongqian’s eyes.He was too close, and he felt that the light cast by the oblique side wall lamp was too beautiful, and it was even more beautiful when it came to Chen Zongqian’s face.There is a faint layer of shadow on the eyelashes, and the brown pupils reflect the sparkling light, swaying in the blink of an eye, as gentle as water.His breathing slowed down for a moment, until Chen Zongqian kissed him again at the corner of his eye.

“Are you hungry? I’ll make dinner.”

Xu Qiaochuan remembered it, but still felt incredible: “You said you like me.”

He corrected: “It’s love.I love you as my younger brother, I love you as Xu Qiaochuan, I love you.”

As soon as he finished speaking, Xu Qiaochuan immediately let go and pushed him away, turned back to the bedroom and locked the door.Chen Zongqian smiled, knocked on the door, and leaned against the door waiting for him to come out.A black dumpling appeared at his feet. He was a marshal wearing a small flower scarf.Chen Zongqian bent down and picked up the cat. The marshal pushed hard against the door. Suddenly the door opened, which frightened the marshal and made him move suddenly.

When Xu Qiaochuan saw it was a cat, he apologized and said “I’m sorry”. Someone above his head laughed softly.He said nothing more and found his coat on the chair. Chen Zongqian followed him and watched him take out a small notebook from his pocket.

He turned his back to Chen Zongqian and could not see, but his gentle eyes were always on him.Xu Qiaochuan took a deep breath: “Lilian asked me to write down what I think of every day, yesterday, the day before yesterday, and the past. Do you want to read it?”

How could you not want to?Chen Zongqian sat on the sofa and flipped through the book. The first page read, “Forgetting too much is equivalent to losing a part of your life.” It must have been Lilian’s advice to him.

At that time, Xu Qiaochuan had just finished electrotherapy and was in poor spirits. His handwriting was quite sloppy and there was no logic in what he wrote.After he was discharged from the hospital, he began to write down the memories that flashed through his mind. This was Xiaoqiao who was at a loss.

The next page was full of numbers, Chen Zongqian’s personal number. He glanced at Xu Qiaochuan.

Xu Qiaochuan was playing with the cat. He buried his face in the cat’s belly and said in a muffled voice: “I am mentally ill.”

“no.Chen Zongqian retorted, and soon realized that he shouldn’t be like this, and said warmly, “It’s okay, Xiaoqiao, you will get better gradually.””

“I’m mentally ill!”Xu Qiaochuan emphasized, “Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are so serious that they begin to have somatic characteristics, with high blood pressure, convulsions and vomiting, and even hurt people… You must accept these.”

The marshal seemed to feel his emotions and stood up in a fuss, his side face flashing with water.

“What you love is such a person. He can’t control himself, is very fragile and irritable, and often doesn’t even know what he is thinking.He may run away from home immediately, he may go crazy on the road and be hit by a car, he may bleed all the time, not eat, and then die of illness.”Xu Qiaochuan turned around and looked at Chen Zongqian, “Do you also love this?”

Before Chen Zongqian could speak, Xu Qiaochuan stood up and stared at him: “You must accept that he will have an accident at any time, accept that he will be disappointed in you one day and leave you, accept all his bad things, because he will not be like a normal person, he will not give you a lot of expectations, and will only make you scared, disappointed and sad forever.”

Xu Qiaochuan didn’t want to torture this person. He choked and wiped his tears randomly.

“I know.” Chen Zongqian also wiped it for him, and finally held his face, looked at him seriously and said, “I know that people cannot maintain passion forever, because the obsession and pleasure generated by dopamine will eventually cool down and retreat, and my brother will be older than you first.But we share the same blood, are legally and socially bound together, and are family, which is another reason why I will always love you.”

Xu Qiaochuan was speechless, tears engulfed him. He couldn’t control himself and was about to fall into that love like a moth to a flame.

“What I love is you. My brother will work hard, accompany you to grow up, help you cure your illness, repair your heart, and build a consciousness and kingdom that belongs to Xiaoqiao.Of course, brother hopes you can leave me a small room inside. I just saw you write “I hate him” in the notebook.”

Lilian asked Xu Qiaochuan not to avoid or deny his thoughts, so he said such a straightforward sentence.Chen Zongqian smiled, knowing that “he” was referring to himself.Because the last half of the sentence was stained with tears and the handwriting was blurry, but I could still tell that Xu Qiaochuan was writing, and I really liked him.

——————-

What Xiaoqiao wrote in the end was actually love, but he didn’t dare to recognize or accept his own feelings at the time, so he used a lighter “like”, and fear was also his reality.

This story is not complicated, but the entanglement reaches Chapter 88 (I am very verbose. I let them determine their feelings here, but it is not the end, because I think love is not an ending, but the beginning of deciding to go on together. I hope they have a sense of love. Even if they cannot see themselves clearly and are tortured by love but can’t help but touch them, they will understand why they love while getting to know themselves.

I won’t go into details anymore, let’s talk about it in the postscript.What follows is the truth about being abducted, the choices Lu Xiaoyun made, and what her parents think of them. It won’t be too long. Thank you everyone for reading this!