An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 9
byThursday, April 10th, Sunny
I temporarily closed the Clinic for a few days to stay home and accompany An Yao.
My original intention was simply for An Yao to relax and not dwell on the incident from the other day, but he clearly misunderstood and felt anxious about it.
“Doctor Lin,” he asked softly, “Am I delaying you from going to work…?”
“No, not at all,” I rubbed his head. “The Clinic is supposed to take a break every week. We just missed last week, so we shifted the break to these two days.”
“People can’t work all the time, or it would be too exhausting,” I said. “Don’t you agree, An Yao?”
An Yao didn’t answer, just kept his head down.
The arrival of his stepfather had too great an impact on him, I thought.
I wanted to offer comfort, but any words felt too pale at this moment. I hesitated for a moment, finally just patting his shoulder gently, turning a thousand unspoken words into a quiet sigh buried in my heart.
An Yao was much quieter than before, and the faint smile on his face had vanished. During dinner, he held his chopsticks but didn’t pick up any food, just put a mouthful of rice in his mouth and chewed slowly. I couldn’t bear to watch, so I quickly put a lot of dishes into his bowl, which only made him reluctantly eat a few bites. The once cheerful dinner table was now silent, save for the occasional faint clinking of bowls and chopsticks.
“If you can’t eat, then don’t,” I said softly. “Don’t force yourself. If you get hungry tonight, I’ll make you something else.”
An Yao responded with a low hum and got up to help me clear the dishes from the table. His movements were quick, but his eyes were terribly vacant, causing a pang of heartache in my chest.
I need to ask around later to see if there are any doctors specializing in psychological counseling, I thought. Besides that, I also need to consult a lawyer to see if I can secure genuine legal protection for An Yao…
Jumbled thoughts crowded my mind, and it took a while for the rushing sound of water to pull me back to reality. I turned off the tap, dried my hands, and instinctively looked toward An Yao.
An Yao was curled up in the corner of the sofa, completely sunken into the soft cushions. He was hugging that silly seal plushie, resting his chin on it, letting his semi-long hair cover most of his face.
I walked over quietly, and the sofa dipped slightly as I sat down. He didn’t look up, only unconsciously tightened his arms, hugging the plushie even closer.
“An Yao?” I called softly. “What are you thinking about?”
An Yao snapped out of his daze, lifting his face blankly. His gray eyes, looking at me, were filled with complex emotions I couldn’t decipher. He stared at my face for a long, long time, as if desperate to deeply imprint my features into his mind.
I vaguely sensed a certain unease.
Just as I was about to speak, I saw him move closer, quietly resting his forehead on my shoulder.
“Lin. Doctor Lin,” he asked softly, “C-can I hug you?”
His voice got quieter and quieter. “Just for a moment, just a moment… it’ll be quick.”
How could I refuse his request?
I wrapped An Yao in my arms, my palm firmly supporting the young man’s slender back. He pressed against me almost immediately, burying his cheek in the crook of my neck, his hands desperately clutching the fabric of my clothes behind me, as if trying to embed himself into my embrace.
“An Yao, hug me whenever you want from now on,” I rubbed his head. “You don’t need to ask.”
An Yao trembled slightly in my arms, and the hands clutching my clothes tightened further.
“Doctor Lin,” he rubbed his cheek against my palm with lingering affection, then buried his face back into my neck. “Doctor Lin…”
Perhaps An Yao was truly terrified; tonight, he showed a rare intensity of insecurity. His face was buried deep, and soon, small, animal-like whimpers escaped him.
“I’m here,” I held him tight. “Doctor Lin is here.”
We held each other like that for a long time. I clearly felt An Yao’s heartbeat through the fabric, rapid and faint, before it gradually calmed down, syncing with my pulse—thump, thump, thump.
“Doctor Lin,” An Yao whispered. “Why are you so good?”
“Are you sleepy?” I smiled, smoothing the stray hairs from his forehead. “What nonsense are you talking about?”
“You just are very good,” he rubbed against me affectionately. “Very, very good.”
“You are good too,” I said. “The best person in the whole world.”
An Yao didn’t speak again, his breathing shallow, as if he had fallen asleep. Seeing this, I carefully adjusted my posture and carried him to the bed, tucking him in.
“An Yao, don’t worry,” I gently stroked the hair on his forehead, my voice very, very soft. “You will get better and better.”
An Yao’s eyelashes seemed to flutter, as if he were only dreaming.
I didn’t linger, quickly washed up, and lay back down in my own bed. But for some reason, I felt a vague sense of unease, my mind filled with An Yao’s eyes, brimming with complex emotions. I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep, and finally got up to get a glass of water.
I pushed open the door, only to see a familiar figure. The person was squatting on the floor, rustling around, doing something.
“An Yao?” I was very surprised. “What are you doing?”
An Yao clearly hadn’t expected me to appear suddenly; his upturned face instantly filled with panic. He was only wearing a thin pajama top, squatting barefoot on the cold tile floor, his toes already red from the cold.
My heart clenched, and I immediately took off my coat, wrapped him in it, and picked him up. “Why aren’t you wearing shoes? What if you catch a cold?”
An Yao trembled slightly in my arms, his eyes wide. He quickly turned his face away, as if realizing something. He didn’t answer my question, but instead asked something else, “Doctor Lin, the clothes I wore when I first arrived… where did you put them?”
“You’re looking for that set of clothes?” I shifted him higher, wrapping the coat around his feet too. “I’m sorry, I threw them away.”
“That outfit had too much blood on it; it couldn’t be cleaned completely, and the shirt was badly damaged. It couldn’t be worn again.”
“How about I take you to buy a new set tomorrow? Any style you want is fine,” I whispered. “An Yao, it was thoughtless of me. I’m truly sorry for disposing of your things without asking you first.”
An Yao’s body visibly stiffened, and then he suddenly buried his entire face into the crook of my neck. A warm dampness quickly seeped through the fabric onto my skin, misty, like the Spring Dampness.
He was crying.
“Doctor Lin…” he sobbed. “Could you, could you please stop being so good to me?”
Tears streamed down An Yao’s face, and his hands tightly clutched the fabric of my clothes, yet he maintained a half-arm’s distance, as if desperately trying to push me away while simultaneously grasping the last piece of driftwood before drowning.
“I beg you… please don’t be like this anymore…”
I froze in place.
Is this considered “very good”? Why do I feel it’s far from enough?
An Yao deserves the best care and the best things in this world. He is worthy.
“If you keep being like this, I’ll be reluctant to leave…” An Yao’s face was covered in tears. “Doctor Lin, I’m begging you, I don’t want—I don’t want to implicate you anymore.”
My heart sank abruptly. “An Yao?”
“Why are you leaving?” I asked. “Where are you going?”
The moment the words left my mouth, I suddenly understood the answer—he didn’t want to burden me.
He even wanted to return everything to me, including the clothes on his back, and go back to that former hell, attempting to put everything back on track.
The only thing he asked of me was a long hug.
An Yao, An Yao. I thought. Why are you so foolish?
“An Yao…” My voice caught. “I won’t let you leave.”
An Yao covered his face. “But, but if that person comes looking for you again… he will definitely come back! That man is a lunatic! My mother had her leg broken by him before…”
“Doctor Lin, don’t keep me…” he cried heartbreakingly. “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy…”
I cupped An Yao’s face, resting my forehead against his. “An Yao, stop talking.”
“You are the best person in this world, you deserve the best things, and you deserve to be loved securely.”
“There must be a way to solve these problems,” I gently wiped the tears from his face. “Don’t worry.”
An Yao shook his head silently, burying his face without speaking again.
To be honest, I didn’t feel confident when I said that. Because society is too distorted right now; omegas are born without human rights. In the past few days, I had asked every lawyer and searched through every document, but the response was always the same—unless the Guardian voluntarily relinquished custody, it was almost impossible to resolve.
“Why don’t you just let it go?” my friends advised me when they found out. “You have no background or influence. Why get yourself into trouble for a chance encounter with an omega?”
“No…” I murmured. “I promised to protect him.”
Su Mo was silent for a long time after hearing this, finally sighing. “Why don’t you just marry him?”
I was stunned. “Marry?”
“Once a marriage relationship is established, the omega’s Guardianship automatically transfers to the spouse,” he explained. “This means that, legally, you will replace his stepfather as An Yao’s lawful Guardian. If the other party harasses you again, even if you beat him half to death, it will be considered self-defense, and the police will protect your legal rights.”
How ironic—for an omega to escape an abusive family, they could only do so by delivering themselves to another person.
My mind was a complete mess.
Marriage? That word was too distant for me. I had never considered it, nor had the time to think about it. The concept of “love” was too far removed from my life; I couldn’t even be bothered to read the romantic stories in books, let alone something as fantastical as marriage. In my limited understanding, marriage was a lifelong commitment, ensuring mutual possession and eternal togetherness.
An Yao and me?
Could I truly become An Yao’s partner? Am I the right person?
If I forcibly bound An Yao to my side through “marriage,” would that truly be helping him? Or would it just be another form of confinement?
An Yao is still young; he is only 22. His future life is long, and he should see all the wonders of the world, not be confined to the side of someone nearing middle age like me. What if… what if he meets someone he falls in love with in the future? Would I become an obstacle to him? Would I become his next “stepfather”?
I don’t know, and I dare not gamble.
“Don’t overthink it,” Su Mo’s voice seemed to faintly echo in my ear. “Staying alive is the most important thing.”
I pulled back my thoughts, holding An Yao tighter in my arms.
“An Yao,” I took a deep breath. “Marry me.”
He abruptly opened his eyes, long eyelashes still beaded with tears. They hung there for a moment before sliding down his cheek, leaving a wet, cool trail.
“I’m not joking,” I softened my voice. “I’ve consulted many lawyers, but unfortunately, existing laws make it very difficult to forcibly transfer Guardianship from your stepfather. The only feasible way is for us to Establish a Marriage Relationship. That way, he won’t be able to act recklessly by relying on his Guardianship over you.”
“I know this is very sudden, and frankly, I’m not your best choice,” I paused. “But… I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“An Yao, the price you paid to escape was too great,” I pleaded softly. “Don’t try a second time. Leave all of this to me, okay?”
An Yao’s lips trembled, and tears welled up again.
“No, you can’t…” he choked out. “Doctor Lin, I’m not worthy…”
“You, you clearly deserve a better person… not someone like me…” he spoke incoherently. “I’m not good-looking, I don’t have a good family, I haven’t even had an education, and I often cause you trouble…”
I gently cupped An Yao’s face, using my thumb to wipe away the continuous stream of tears. “An Yao, you are very good.”
“I am the one who is not worthy of you.”
“The only reason I am who I am today is because I was lucky enough to differentiate as an Alpha,” I said softly. “An Yao, you are an excellent person. To be able to maintain your integrity and diligently learn so many skills in such a terrible environment makes you much more remarkable than many people. If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to be as strong as you.”
“This society has been distorted for too long and too severely; everything is decided by gender,” I hugged him tightly. “We are just ordinary people; we can’t change the world, but at least…”
“I can protect you properly.”
An Yao burst into tears. “Doctor Lin…”
“An Yao, can you give me a chance to protect you?” I asked softly. “You always have the right to do anything—go wherever you want, be with whoever you fall in love with. If I ever hurt you…”
I pointed toward the kitchen. “Take a knife and stab me.”
“It’s best to choose a fruit knife,” I instructed seriously. “A cleaver is too heavy; a fruit knife is lighter. And the tip is sharp; it can pierce through easily.”
I held his trembling hand, guiding his cold fingertips to gently press against my neck. “Stab here.”
His fingertips slowly moved down along the path of the artery, stopping just above my heart. “If I don’t fall down, keep stabbing here.”
“Did you remember?” I looked at him. “Don’t hesitate when you stab. Once you confirm I’ve lost the ability to move, leave immediately to prevent me from getting back up.”
“My bank cards are all in my wallet, and the wallet is in the innermost black coat in the closet,” I said. “My phone, including all payment apps, can be unlocked with a fingerprint. Don’t forget to change it to your fingerprint before you take it. The money inside should be enough for you to live comfortably for many years.”
An Yao’s eyes widened. He suddenly lowered his head and used all his strength to tightly grip my hand.
“Doctor Lin, why are you so foolish?” he murmured. “How can there be someone as foolish as you?”
I squeezed his hand back. “Because it’s you.”
I smiled faintly. “If it’s you, it’s worth it.”