An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 5

Tuesday, March 25th, Light Rain

The Minor Bupleurum Decoction was completely useless.

Maybe the medicine expired. I thought wildly. Low potency, humid weather, severe flu, the end of the world… there had to be a reason that fit my situation.

I vigorously wiped my face, trying to clear out all the chaotic thoughts in my head, but when I looked up, my gaze seemed to have a mind of its own, unconsciously searching for that familiar, slender figure.

“An Yao?” I called out. “An Yao!”

An Yao poked his head out from behind the sofa. “Doctor Lin! I’m here!”

“You scared me, I thought you disappeared,” I said. “What are you doing?”

He held up a chubby hamster plushie, a sheepish smile on his face. “The plushie fell down just now, I was picking it up.”

I hummed softly in acknowledgment, but my eyes remained fixed on him.

This hamster was light gray, and An Yao’s hair was also light gray. He was wearing light gray clothes today, so from a distance, he looked like a large hamster holding a small hamster.

An Yao carefully placed the plushie back in its spot before sitting down on the sofa. He slowly leaned back against the sofa cushion, sinking down gently. His soft, light gray hair rested on the backrest, a few strands hanging down along the edge.

An Yao’s hair seems to have grown longer. I thought.

When An Yao first arrived, he had a simple short haircut, but it had grown since then, lightly covering his ears and fluffily engulfing his neck.

I knew why he was growing his hair out, but I usually pretended not to notice, only occasionally reminding him not to forget to tie it up so it wouldn’t interfere with his Gland recovery.

To my surprise, An Yao, who was usually quite dexterous, struggled with tying his hair. He couldn’t gather all the strands completely, and when he stretched the hair tie, he just looped it on haphazardly. The result was a messy, tangled mess, like an exploded dandelion, ready to fly away with a gentle breeze.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

I swear, I didn’t mean to mock him at all; it was simply that An Yao looked too adorable in that state, making me want to rub his head.

But An Yao misunderstood. He immediately pulled the hair tie off, his ear tips turning red, burying his head lower and lower.

“I’m sorry,” I quickly explained. “I wasn’t laughing at you, I just…”

I just think you’re so cute.

I suddenly stopped speaking, falling silent. In the end, I just silently rubbed his head, reaching out to take the hair tie. “Let me do it.”

An Yao suddenly looked up. “…Doctor Lin?”

“I’ve tied hair for kids plenty of times,” I said. “I can do braids and buns. Don’t worry, my hands are steady, I won’t hurt you.”

An Yao’s face inexplicably flushed even more. “I didn’t mean that… I just wonder if this is too much trouble for you?”

“What’s the big deal?” I smiled. “Just let me indulge a little. I haven’t done this in years, and I wonder if my technique is rusty.”

I deftly gathered the hair at the nape of his neck into a single bunch, looped the hair tie around it, and with a flick of my finger, secured it into a soft little knot. The scattered light gray strands were now obediently gathered at the back of An Yao’s head. Paired with the young man’s fluffy head, he looked like a plump little sparrow.

“It looks much tidier tied up,” I nodded in satisfaction. “It’s very nice.”

An Yao gently shook his head, slightly unused to it. The fluffy little knot trembled along with the movement, like a small sparrow fluffing its wings.

“Doctor Lin…” He took a deep breath. “Would you… would you mind teaching me later?”

“Teaching you what?” I asked curiously. “Tying hair?”

He nodded. “Otherwise, it’s too much trouble for you every time.”

I didn’t answer directly, but instead posed a question. “An Yao, if you were tying my hair, would you feel like it was trouble?”

An Yao froze for a moment, then shook his head vigorously. “No.”

“It’s the same for me,” I gently tapped the fluffy knot at the back of his head. “So, just pretend I want to satisfy my urge to tie hair, just pretend—”

“Please humor this childish adult.”

An Yao was slightly stunned, and his earlobes slowly turned red at a visible speed.

“No, you’re not,” he stammered incoherently. “Doctor Lin is a very good person… not childish at all.”

I burst into laughter, and my heart softened into a complete mess.

“An Yao,” I said. “Why are you so well-behaved? What if someone bullies you later?”

An Yao moved closer, letting me rub his head obediently. “It’s… it’s okay.”

“As long as it’s Doctor Lin…” he replied haltingly. “I can handle anything.”

I suddenly stopped moving, my hand suspended in the air above An Yao’s hair. A scorching heat surged unexpectedly from my fingertips, rapidly spreading up my arm, instantly transforming into a raging inferno that completely engulfed me.

“…Ah, is that so?” I replied dryly. “Oh, I… I see.”

I cleared my throat a few times, taking a long moment to find my voice again. “But An Yao, no matter who it is, you must learn to protect yourself… you are the most important person.”

“What if I’m actually not a good person? Right?”

“So, stay vigilant!” I had no idea what nonsense I was spewing. “Don’t trust people easily, okay?”

An Yao clearly didn’t fully understand my rambling, but he nodded obediently. “I understand.”

He held a soft pillow in his arms, quietly inching closer like a small animal, gently resting his head on my shoulder.

“But Doctor Lin is different,” he whispered.

I immediately felt the temperature in my face rise again.

We sat in silence like that for a while.

I have to go back to the Clinic today. I thought. Rent, utilities… these things don’t care if you’re closed or not. If I delay any longer, I might struggle to even eat.

But if I leave, what will happen to An Yao?

He was never the type to stay quietly at home. Last time I only went out to buy groceries, and when I returned, I saw him huffing and puffing, mopping the entire house with a mop, leaving the robot vacuum spinning around confusedly nearby.

“An Yao,” I said softly. “I have to go out at two o’clock later.”

An Yao, who had been about to bury his face in the pillow, immediately straightened up when he heard me. “Do you have something you need to take care of?”

“Yes, I have to go to the Clinic for work,” I said. “Want to come along?”

An Yao’s eyes widened. “…Me?”

I nodded. “A change of scenery once in a while is good.”

In all honesty, I would prefer An Yao to rest properly at home. The stitches on An Yao haven’t been removed yet, so he shouldn’t be moving around freely. But if I leave him alone at home, I might come home tonight to find the little troublemaker competing with the household robot for chores.

Alphas need to take it easy after thirty. I thought. It wouldn’t be good if I got sick from stress.

I silently sighed in my heart, but maintained a calm expression, continuing to concoct strange words to coax the young man. “Otherwise, staying home every day can be boring.”

An Yao’s eyes seemed to brighten, but he quickly lowered his head. “…Maybe not.”

“What’s wrong?” I leaned forward slightly. “Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”

He shook his head.

“It’s okay,” I said. “If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. It’s fine.”

“I, I…” An Yao swallowed nervously. “I can’t go.”

I looked down and saw his fingers tightly clutching the corner of his clothes, gripping so hard that his knuckles were white.

“A disabled omega… like me,” An Yao practically squeezed the words out through gritted teeth. “I’ll… I’ll embarrass you.”

My breath hitched.

“How could that be?” I said. “Why would you think that?”

Only after the words left my mouth did I realize my tone was too urgent, so I quickly lowered my voice. “I don’t mean to blame you, I’m just… just a little surprised.”

“An Yao, you are clearly a very, very good person.”

An Yao still kept his head down. “…I’m not.”

“You are,” I insisted. “You are thoughtful and sensible, meticulous and serious in your work, and you learn everything quickly. No one is better than you.”

“But, but,” his voice trembled. “My Gland…”

“An Yao, your worth is never determined by your gender,” I looked into his eyes, speaking clearly, word by word. “These qualities stem from your nature, your character, your abilities. The damage to your Gland doesn’t affect any of that.”

You inherently deserve the best things in the world.

I took a deep breath, softening my voice. “Maybe I’m not in a position to say these things, but I still want to say it—”

“An Yao, losing your Gland doesn’t mean you are a disabled person who can’t be seen in public.”

“Who you want to be is decided only by yourself, not by gender, and certainly not by the Gland on your neck.”

An Yao’s eyes widened in surprise, his lips slightly parted, and his breathing became fragmented and ragged.

“I-is that really true?” he murmured. “Doctor Lin, I haven’t had much schooling, I don’t understand these things very well…”

His hands were shaking badly. “Please, don’t lie to me.”

“I won’t lie to you,” I said. “It’s true.”

When I said this, my expression was relaxed, as if I was just tossing out a light piece of inspirational advice. But in reality, it took me many years to understand this principle.

Unlike what many people imagine, I was abandoned at birth and grew up in an orphanage in the west of the city. It was thanks to the aid of many kind people that I was able to attend school like other normal children. Like many kids, I once had a naive dream—I wanted to be a doctor, to alleviate the suffering of others, and to make the world a little less painful.

I told others about this dream, but all I got in return was merciless ridicule.

“How can an Alpha be a doctor?” they said. “When the Rut hits, you can’t even control yourself. It’ll be a miracle if you don’t hurt anyone.”

They were right.

If an omega’s Heat Cycle is like an enchanting fantasy, then an Alpha’s Rut is like a nightmare that refuses to end. In the dream, all reason is completely shattered, and the body seems to be left with only an uncontrolled beast rampaging inside. Even the gentlest person, under physiological impulse, will become a raging lunatic.

At first, I didn’t believe it. How could a person not control themselves? I thought this until the first time my Rut arrived.

I smashed everything in the room that could be broken. Any tiny sound exploded in my ears like thunder. The Rut erased the gentle person I used to be, replacing it with endless anxiety and madness. I tried cutting my wrists, hitting the wall, and even burying my face in a basin full of water, attempting to suffocate myself—none of it worked.

The damned physiological instinct turned me into an immortal lunatic, a monster incapable of even ending its own life.

I loathed myself, despised this body controlled by instinct, yet I was helpless. I could only curl up in a corner, pressed against the cold wall, counting the time and constantly praying for this torment to end quickly.

I was only in junior high then, and hadn’t yet met my current group of friends, so I buried myself in the library, trying to find answers in books.

I read philosophy, flipped through literature, and even skimmed through science, but the wisdom of the ancients didn’t explain why I had to wear a Muzzle to school every day, why classmates avoided me after learning my gender, why… why…

I couldn’t figure it out, and the books didn’t say.

Physiology pamphlets and legal statutes jumped into my sight. They righteously told me I should be content—after all, as an Alpha, I didn’t have to be confined at home like an omega; although I could only do manual labor, it was still a blessing. Moreover, I could still attend school, so I should be grateful for everything.

I closed the book, unwilling to look further.

Confusion and fear still existed, but I had learned to bury them deep inside, pretending everything was normal as I continued to attend school every day.

Later, I went to university, chose medicine, and interned at a hospital. I thought the gender issue was finally over, but I didn’t expect it to be just the beginning.

No professor was willing to accept an Alpha student. They worried about their students getting hurt, worried that I might lash out over a minor issue—even though I wore thick Pheromones blockers every day and a heavy Muzzle, these still couldn’t dispel their doubts.

Fortunately, my advisor stepped in to help and personally vouched for me, allowing my internship to be completed smoothly.

Although subsequent professors and classmates gradually changed their views of me, society still wouldn’t accept an Alpha who was like a ticking time bomb. After graduation, I repeatedly hit walls, and finally had to return to this small county, opening a small Clinic in a remote area.

After all these years, going around in circles, I seem to have forgiven myself and let myself go, arriving at this inspirational truth. But what the reality truly is, perhaps even I don’t know.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that the plight of Alphas might be slightly better than omegas, but fundamentally, we are no different—equally constrained by instinct, bound by rules. And those who truly walk through the world with ease are always the Betas, who are not swayed by Pheromones.

This world belongs to the Betas. I thought.

An Yao didn’t speak, just quietly rested his forehead on my shoulder.

I could clearly feel his warm breath passing through the fabric, causing a subtle tremor on my skin. We leaned against each other like this, with only the sound of our breathing remaining.

It seemed to be getting windy outside, the rustling of the treetops sounding loudly, disturbing the rhythm of my heartbeat by a few beats.

A long time seemed to pass, so long that I thought An Yao had fallen asleep. Suddenly, I felt a very light movement on my shoulder.

An Yao seemed to have nodded very lightly.

“Okay,” I heard him say. “I’ll go with Doctor Lin.”