An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 21
bySaturday, July 5 Sunny
I laughed silently for a while.
I laughed at myself for being over thirty but still so slow, mistaking my long-established feelings for pity and responsibility, but I smiled as uneasiness and fear gradually spread in my heart.
Got it, what next?What should I do?
In order to avoid causing trouble to An Yao, he stepped back from the brink and took the initiative to distance himself?Or continue to whitewash the situation, pretend to know nothing, greedily enjoy his complete trust and closeness, and maintain this unequal relationship?
My thoughts were very confused.
no.
I closed my eyes hard.Whether it is hiding or escaping, it is essentially a kind of deception, and it is unfair and disrespectful to An Yao.He has the right to know and the right to choose.
I should tell him my true feelings.Even if he will be shocked or even disgusted by this, even if we will never be as close as before… I can accept it.
The choice is in An Yao’s hands, and all I do is wait for his verdict.
I decided to confess my love to An Yao.
After I thought about it clearly, I stood up, then sat down again, going back and forth without knowing what I was going to do.After living for more than thirty years, it is rare for me to be as restless as a young boy now.
I rubbed my face and tried to calm down.
“Calm down, I’m just explaining my feelings to you.” I told myself, “Don’t be nervous, don’t be nervous.”
Then I took out my phone and found that my hands were shaking so much that afterimages appeared.
It’s really fucked up.I thought with a deadpan expression.
I forced my hand to steady, turned on my phone, and tried to search for various matters related to confession on the Internet for reference.But looking left and right, I always felt that this one was too vulgar and that one was not careful enough. I kept tossing it over and over all night, but I couldn’t figure out one, two, or three.
I rubbed my eyes and saw a gleam of light coming through the window – it was actually dawn.
I sighed and decided to go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.
At first, I just wanted to do what I did as usual, but my body seemed to be incessantly agitating. When I realized what I was doing, the table was full of things that An Yao loved to eat.
What am I doing?I covered my face with tears.Like a psycho.
What about calming down as you said?Why does it become more and more grand?
I wanted to condemn myself a few more words, but time waits for no one, so I had to put aside these messy thoughts, hastily grabbed a coat and went out.
I have to buy a bouquet of flowers.
It’s funny to say that I always thought roses were the most impractical gifts: they have a short flowering period, are expensive, and are not worth buying anyway.I have never understood why people are so enthusiastic about it, but today I became the first person waiting outside the flower shop, just to buy a bouquet of roses for my sweetheart.
The flower shop is located on the corner of the street and officially opens at nine o’clock.It has just arrived at eight o’clock. The clerk opened the rolling shutter door and was about to take care of the flowers. When he looked up, he was startled by me outside the door.
“Sir, are you…?”
“I want to buy a bouquet of roses,” I said dryly, “…to express my love.”
The clerk was stunned for a moment, then smiled knowingly, “Then you come in and choose first, and just let me know when you’ve made your choice.”
I whispered my thanks and quickly stepped into the store.At this moment, the morning light shines through the glass, jumping happily on all kinds of petals stained with water drops.I glanced at all kinds of flowers, picked and picked, and chose the roses that bloomed the most.
“Excuse me.” I said.
The clerk neatly trimmed and matched it, carefully wrapped it in exquisite wrapping paper, tied it with a ribbon, and handed it to me carefully.
“Okay,” she said with a smile, “I wish you success!”
I also laughed and said, “I’d like to lend you some good words.”
After walking out of the flower shop holding the flowers, I gradually felt the heat on the tips of my ears and neck. I stood outside for a while and blew the cool breeze before I managed to calm down.
Everything I did today was too impulsive.I think.I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I should plan calmly, think back and forth before making a decision, and then explain it when the final arrangements are in place.Instead of running out in a hurry like today.
I held the bouquet of roses and watched the water droplets on them slide into the center of the flowers.
But that was An Yao.I think.
The moment I see him, my heart beats faster and my stomach is full of butterflies. As long as I open my mouth, they will fly out and land on him, announcing my love for him to the world in a big way.
Can’t control it, can’t hide it.
Actually – actually –
In addition to buying flowers, I also plan to order a new pair of rings.I was in too much of a hurry when I bought that pair of rings. I always felt that they were not worthy of An Yao, so I wanted to take the opportunity to exchange for a better pair.
My family deserves nothing but the best.
But the remaining reason still suppressed this restless thought – after all, today was just a statement of intention, and being too grand would put more pressure on An Yao.
The mind should be pure and should not become a burden.
I took a deep breath and turned around to go home.
As soon as the key was inserted into the keyhole, the sound of footsteps approaching from far away could be heard faintly.The moment I opened the door, I felt my arms sink, and I realized that An Yao had thrown herself into my arms.
He looked like he had just finished washing, and his long hair was held up casually with a hair rope. There was still moisture on the ends of his hair, but there were still a few unruly strands of hair sticking up, rubbing against my chin.My heart skipped a beat and I subconsciously hid the bouquet behind my back.
An Yao didn’t seem to be fully awake yet and didn’t notice this little movement at all.He buried his face on my chest and rubbed it carelessly, then yawned lazily, “Qingyan… why did you go out? I woke up just now and didn’t see you.”
I didn’t answer the question directly, but rubbed his head with my free hand, “Have you had breakfast?”
He nodded, and the tips of his hair brushed the side of my neck, feeling a little itchy.
I quietly took a deep breath and tried to suppress my fast heartbeat.
“Yaoyuan,” I said softly, “there is something… I want to tell you.”
An Yao was stunned for a moment. I don’t know whether he didn’t wake up or didn’t react. He didn’t ask questions, but was led by me to the sofa and sat down.
As soon as he sat down, a bouquet of roses was thrust into his arms.The bouquet of roses was still stained with water drops, and they slowly shook off as I handed them over.
I wanted to say something, but at the moment my fingertips were numb with nervousness.His fingers curled up and loosened, his palms were covered with sweat, and his Adam’s apple rolled up and down.I even feel like I’m more panicked now than when I faced a critically ill patient alone—at least that’s in the area I know well.
Anyao lowered his head, blinked, and gently twisted the bright red petals with his fingertips.
“…Do you like it?” I heard myself ask.
He looked at the flowers, then looked up at me, and the corners of his lips curved up a little.
“I like it.” An Yao said with a smile, “I like it very much.”
My heart missed a few beats.
I stretched out my hand to hold him, put the slender fingers into my palm, and squeezed gently.Soon I could clearly feel the strength of the grip, and I felt a little more courage in my heart.
“Yuanyuan,” I said softly, “Actually… I’m a little scared now.”
An Yao’s chin was still resting on my shoulder. Hearing this, he quickly raised his head, his eyes full of confusion.
I avoided his gaze and just looked down at our intertwined hands, “I’m worried that you will hate me when I finish speaking these words.”
The fingers in the palm seemed to stiffen.
My heart tightened, but I continued to analyze it like a masochist, “But if you don’t say it, it would be too unfair to you.”
“So…”
“An Yao,” I paused, “I like you.”
An Yao’s eyes widened in shock and her lips opened slightly, as if she wanted to say something immediately.
I quickly stopped what he had yet to say, “You don’t have to answer me now.”
“It’s okay not to even reply.” I spoke much faster unconsciously, “I’m telling you this just to let you know how I feel. I don’t want to embarrass you, let alone make you feel any burden.”
An Yao immediately shook his head, “No, I don’t think it’s a burden.”
I didn’t answer, I just smiled and ran my fingers through his soft hair silently.
“But I’m really afraid that this will become a problem for you.” I looked at him, “I’m even more afraid that you’re just forcing yourself out of gratitude and because you think I’ve helped you.”
“Yaoyao, I will bring you back, take care of you, and treat your injuries… these are just things that any conscientious person would do at that time.”
“It’s my choice. I do it willingly.”
“Yaoyao, you never owe me anything, and you don’t need to repay me in any way.”
I paused and continued to speak.
“As for when I fell in love with you…I can’t tell you.”
“Maybe it was when you looked out the window, maybe it was when you held the corner of my clothes, maybe it was when we were eating together, maybe it was when you were clearly sad but still thinking about me…”
“I actually know nothing about feelings, and I’m even very blank in this regard.” My voice was very soft, “To be honest, I don’t know what love is.”
“But the moment I saw you, my heart beat uncontrollably, and I was thinking, maybe, this is-”
Before I could finish speaking, I saw An Yao suddenly come closer, and the next second I clearly felt a soft touch on my lips – warm, slightly moist, with his unique breath, like a magnolia flower falling gently, but it set off a tsunami in my world.
An Yao kissed me.
It was split at the touch of a finger, so fast it seemed like it was just an illusion.I froze on the spot, my mind went blank, but the soft touch left on my lips turned into a raging fire in an instant, swallowing me whole.
My expression must be completely stupid now.I think.
Apparently An Yao wasn’t much better.His face was flushed and he subconsciously covered his face, but he could still see the tips of his ears and neck being covered with light pink.
Time seemed to be frozen here, with only the floating dust in the air jumping up and down, and the heartbeat gradually getting out of control.
“Qingyan,” An Yao whispered, “I, I won’t force it.”
“Actually, when I first woke up… I was very scared.” An Yao’s voice was very soft. “Everything around me was too unfamiliar. I didn’t know where I was. I even doubted whether you were the person sent by the casino to catch me.”
I rubbed Anyao’s head.Maybe it was the warmth of my palm, but he buried it in my hand and rubbed it lovingly before continuing to speak.
“Later I gradually realized that you were not.” His beautiful eyes curled up, “You are just a very good person. I am really grateful…I am grateful that you found me that night.”
“Fortunately it’s you, Qingyan.” An Yao repeated, “Fortunately it’s you.”
“Every day, every moment, every second with you makes me feel happy.”
He held my hand tightly, “But sometimes, I suddenly feel very scared. I’m afraid that this is actually just a dream, I’m afraid that what I’m experiencing now is actually just a fantasy before I was beaten to death by that person.”
“So…so I always couldn’t help but want to be close to you, wanted to stay by your side, even…those excessive actions,” he choked, “I just, just wanted to make myself more useful and obedient, so that I could be qualified to stay by your side.”
I hugged him tightly, so hard that I could almost feel the shape of each other’s bones, as if I could squeeze all the love and guilt into this hug.
“Yaoyao,” I called his name, “Yaoyao.”
“Qingyan, don’t worry about me.” An Yao leaned softly on my chest, “Because I am really happy and happy now.”
He paused, groped for my hand, and then slowly intertwined his fingers with mine.
“It’s not that I don’t understand everything.” An Yao said, “I can clearly distinguish what gratitude is and what love is.”
“I am grateful that you gave me a new life, but if possible, I would like to be your support.”
As he spoke, he suddenly straightened up, hugged my neck tightly, and smiled softly into the crook of my neck.
“Qingyan,” he whispered, “I love you too.”