An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 20

Friday, July 4th light rain

The susceptible period gradually passes, and life seems to return to its former peace.

But something was different.

The intimacy that secretly grew between each other did not subside with the end of the susceptible period, but intensified.We tacitly let it seep into every aspect of our lives, the knees that touch each other unconsciously at the dinner table, the corners of clothes that overlap when we lean on the sofa, the bodies that look for each other’s body heat in sleep… until these delicate connections weave into a web that we cannot break away from and do not want to break away from, turning us into an inseparable part of each other.

Even the little girl who knew me well in the clinic noticed the clues, “Brother Lin, I haven’t seen you so clingy after getting married before? Why is it that now you are like a piece of brown candy and can’t leave your home for a moment?”

I was about to open my mouth to refute, but any words of defense slipped to my lips but somehow became mute.

She was right.

As soon as Anyao left my sight for a short time, I began to feel uneasy.The tip of the pen unconsciously spread a few ink marks on the paper. When he came back to his senses, he discovered that there were a few lines of ghostly drawings on the prescription order that even he couldn’t understand.

It’s really fucked up.

I rubbed my brows, steeled myself and continued working. It wasn’t until I sent off the last patient that I hurriedly stopped Chen Xuanyi who was passing by, “Where is An Yao?”

“He went to the medicine cabinet.” Chen Xuanyi was very happy, “Why does Brother Lin like your home so much? It only took two steps and he was back in a while.”

I subconsciously wanted to say that this was just a habit, but when the words came to my mouth, it felt like something was stuck in my mouth, and I couldn’t spit it out or swallow it.Obviously this was just a simple and unintentional joke, but it inexplicably caused ripples in my heart.

like?

I…do I like An Yao?

To be fair, when I decided to take An Yao back, I did have some selfish motives – maybe it was intolerance, maybe it was pity, or maybe it was because in his shrinking brows and eyes, I vaguely saw the shadow of my past… I couldn’t explain it clearly, and I couldn’t explain it. All kinds of emotions were mixed together, which made me instinctively protect An Yao behind me.

I registered my marriage with him, and slept with him in each other’s arms. As we got along day after day, I gradually lost track of my initial emotions, and instead became more and more confused, like a bad debt. No one was right, no one was wrong, and I couldn’t tell the difference at all.

Why did I subconsciously set my sights on him?Why can’t I breathe when I see him cry?Why does my heart beat faster when I’m near him?Why?Why is this happening?I don’t know, I can’t breathe. I clearly feel my throat tightening, but the moment I see An Yao, I feel a strong overwhelming pleasure that I can’t suppress or stop.

I am like a traveler walking in the desert, knowing that there is poisonous wine covered in honey in front of me, but I still can’t help but bend down and drink it down willingly.My reason was screaming for danger, but my body and heart had already betrayed me. All I needed was a gentle smile from the person in front of me, and I would willingly jump into the abyss and drown in that pale gray lake.

What is love?What is like?

Christianity says that love is patience and kindness, and only the divine love of God and loyalty to the covenant are eternal; Buddhism talks about compassion, joy and giving, and it also says that all living beings are trapped in greed, hatred, ignorance, separation from love, and the pain of not getting what they want; in literature, obsession is entangled, going back and forth, tearing people apart and reorganizing them.

From a medical perspective, these are reward and motivational responses driven by neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. As the relationship between the two parties deepens, it is gradually dominated by the attachment system mediated by oxytocin and vasopressin, gradually forming a stable emotional bond.

Is this what you like?Is this love?Do I really like him?Did I really fall in love with An Yao?

My mind is very confused.

I think that as an older person, I only take care of An Yao seriously out of love and responsibility for the younger generation.But I know very well that the boundary between us has already been crossed – the hug that cannot be restrained, the eyes that fall on each other that are difficult to take away, the mood that suddenly becomes tense because of other people’s jokes, and…

And the unspeakable hidden selfishness.

I long for Anyao to only look at me, be so close to me, and only be attached to me.

I don’t know if this is right, I just know I’ve never done this to anyone else.Only An Yao, only him.

Is this really love?

Or is this just an illusion created by the environment and unspeakable impulses?In fact, it was me who was unwilling to face my heart. Not only did I openly whitewash myself with noble reasons, but I shamefully relied on An Yao’s complete trust and connivance to indulge in this cross-border intimacy and do whatever I wanted?

I’m so disgusted.

Once this thought arose, it never went away, causing my stomach to surge with acid.I wanted to vomit, but I still lowered my head and clenched my hands unconsciously, my nails digging into my palms.

The depressed mood lasted until An Yao came back and then got a little better.I saw him naturally leaning over, skillfully getting into my arms and finding a comfortable position. Then he raised his face, held my face in his hands, pressed his warm fingertips against my frowning eyebrows, and rubbed it gently.

“Qingyan?” There was soft worry in his voice, “Why are you unhappy? Are you in any trouble?”

He was always so sharp.

I didn’t answer directly, I just hugged him back tighter, buried my face in his neck and was silent for a moment before slowly raising my head.

“Yaoyao, what do you think… love is?”

“Love?” An Yao blinked, thought seriously for a moment and then shook his head, “I don’t know.”

He turned his head and looked at Liang Yue, who was sorting out medical records, “Sister Yueyue, do you know?”

Liang Yue raised her head from the medical record, raised her eyebrows, and looked around between us.I seemed to see her suppressing the teasing smile at the corner of her mouth, but fortunately she still answered An Yao’s question seriously, “When two people are together, they will love and respect each other, never leave, and be loyal throughout their lives.”

Her voice gradually became distorted, as if an ancient priest was stating the will of the gods.

“No matter rich or poor, no matter health or disease, no matter success or failure, we will never leave each other. We will always support each other, love each other, and share joys and sorrows with each other until…”

“Until the end of my life,” I said.

The moment the words fell, I was stunned.

Liang Yue smiled, said nothing, just lowered his head and continued working.Anyao turned to look at me, his eyes slightly curved, like amber illuminated by the sunlight outside the window.He didn’t say anything, he just leaned his head gently on my shoulder, and his soft hair rubbed the side of my neck from time to time, causing a slight itch.

“Isn’t this what we are doing now?” He smiled softly, “So, this is love.”

My heart accelerated suddenly, one after another, like thunder exploding in my ears.

But I can’t control it.

My mind was so confused that I couldn’t react until I got home from get off work. I was in a daze so many times that even An Yao noticed something was wrong.

“Qingyan?” he asked worriedly, “Are you really okay?”

I didn’t dare to look into An Yao’s eyes, so I could only find some stupid excuses to excuse myself, “Maybe there are too many patients today.”

In fact, there are many fewer patients today than when influenza broke out frequently, and it is within normal workload.

I felt uneasy after saying this excuse, but fortunately, although An Yao was confused, he didn’t ask any more questions out of his absolute trust in me.After washing up as usual, he quietly nestled into my arms. After a while, he breathed evenly and fell into a deep sleep.

And I completely lost sleep.

The body in my arms was warm and soft, exuding a reassuring light fragrance, but when I held him, I lost all the peace I had before. I only felt that the heartbeat in my chest was infinitely amplified in this silent night, and the sounds were heavy and panicked, as if they were silently indicating something.

My mind was confused by the sound, and I tossed and turned. Finally, I carefully pulled out my arm, tucked An Yao into bed, got up and walked out of the bedroom.

I walked into the study, turned on the light, and took out the diary from the depth of the drawer.Under the warm yellow light, I tried to clarify my complicated thoughts at the moment through the calm records of the past.

In fact, I don’t have the habit of keeping a diary, but out of professional instinct the day I picked up An Yao, I still took out a notebook as a record – after all, An Yao’s body was covered with old and new injuries at that time, and his glands were damaged. Treatment and repair required not only medicine, but also long-term observation and recording to make corresponding adjustments.So the first few pages were mostly records related to body temperature, medication reactions, wound healing, etc.

However, when I actually flipped through the pages, my fingertips stopped involuntarily.

I don’t know when, but it was filled with bits and pieces about An Yao.

“Thursday, March 20, light rain… An Yao stared at the sparrow outside the window for a long time, and smiled inexplicably. I don’t know what he was laughing at, but the little feathers on the back of his head were swaying like a fluffy little sparrow. Maybe because they are the same kind? I wanted to laugh a little, but An Yao smiled very nicely, so I’d better bear with it.”

“April 1st, Tuesday, breeze. I chose for a long time, and finally chose a light blue sweater. An Yao stood helpless in this sweater, looking even more stunned with his messy hair. I secretly touched his head and saw him lowering his head and touching his cuffs, revealing that the tips of his ears were a little red. Fortunately, this sweater suits him very well.”

“May 23rd, Friday, sunny and cloudy… An Yao seemed to have a nightmare. He curled up tightly in my arms and kept sobbing. When I reacted, tears streamed down my face. I felt so distressed that I quickly held him in my arms and patted his back gently. It was not until late at night that he managed to calm down. It was the first time that I resented his stepfather so much.”

The date, the weather, what he was wearing, what his mood was like, whether he was secretly in a daze… everything was detailed, occupying almost every blank page.The names gradually changed from “An Yao” to “Yao Yao”, and there were even some colorful post-it notes on the edges. They were all densely packed with words like “Yao Yao likes this taste”, “The wound here needs to be reviewed regularly”, “I may be homesick when I am in a daze”.

This has long gone beyond the scope of doctors’ observation of patients.

The more I feel, the more my ears feel warm.I saw crooked simple drawings drawn in the margins of some pages.At first, it was just a few shapeless circles and lines. If it weren’t for the “Today’s Expression” written next to it, it would be difficult to tell that it was actually a person.But as the pages turned, the strokes gradually became more vivid, and gradually took on the shadow of An Yao, depicting him quietly hugging a pillow, or unconsciously puffing up his cheeks in front of the soup.

“What on earth am I doing?!” There seemed to be a voice screaming loudly in my heart, “What do I usually remember?!”

I held those diaries, feeling like I was holding a hot potato. My reason shouted not to continue, but my body turned to the next page uncontrollably.

Why could you not help but want to kiss his quivering eyelids?Why do you always want to hold him tightly in your arms?Why is it that whenever I see him, my heart feels like it has broken free from all restraints and hits my chest painfully?

I don’t know, I don’t understand.

I am 32 years old this year, and I am no longer the young and impulsive teenager I used to be.Even though I have never really been involved in a relationship, I have become accustomed to hearing about the gatherings and separations in the world over the years. If I want to say what I like, I can casually explain the meaning, but when it is related to myself, it is so strange that it is scary.

My heart was still pounding, with a faint tendency to speed up, but this time I no longer suppressed it, but the unfamiliar throb was still rushing through my blood vessels, spreading unbridled throughout my body.

Is this what you like?I chewed this unfamiliar emotion carefully, and actually tasted a trace of addictive sweetness in it.

This feeling was almost dizzy, causing the scalp to tingle slightly. Joy was like a warm tide flowing over all the limbs, but the moment he raised his eyes, something even hotter slid down his cheeks uncontrollably.After everything that was so strange was peeled away, the inside turned out to be so familiar.

I like An Yao.I couldn’t help but laugh.It was just a light breath at first, and then gradually expanded, shaking the chest with a low laughter.

I suddenly remembered the heat rising on my face when we first embraced each other, and suddenly remembered my countless accelerated heartbeats, and then the heartache that arose in An Yao’s heart when he was warm, and finally the shallow tooth marks on the white back of that person’s neck during the susceptible period.Obviously I noticed it countless times, but I ignored it again and again.

“So it’s so early…” I murmured and suddenly laughed.

What a fool I am.