An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 18
byThursday, June 26th, Muggy
At that time, I was torn apart by desire and self-destruction, so disfigured that I could imagine how hideous I looked.
But the expected sound of the door closing never came.
Immersed in the warm light, An Yao slowly took a step forward.
Then a second step, a third step, a fourth step…
An Yao quietly walked up to me, knelt down, and reached out, gently and steadily pulling me, who was kneeling on the floor, into his arms.
My cheek unexpectedly pressed against his lower abdomen. The warm, soft sensation almost made me burst into tears instantly. The thin fabric conveyed his familiar body temperature, along with wisps of a faint, reassuring magnolia scent.
My brain was melting, my consciousness was disintegrating, and my body was gradually regressing. At that moment, I felt as if I had returned to my mother’s womb, floating in warm amniotic fluid, wanting nothing more than to close my eyes.
“Yaoyao, please…” My lips trembled. “Don’t look at me… please.”
I knew exactly what I looked like: my arms were crisscrossed with scratches and gashes, and glaring bloodstains snaked down my forearms, dripping onto the floor with faint sounds. My temples were covered in bruises and broken skin. Sweat mixed with liquid—whether blood or tears—matted my hair, sticking messily to my face.
I was probably as pale as a ghost right now.
How ridiculous… I had promised to protect him, yet now I, the supposed protector, was miserably curled up in this cramped bedroom, screaming and roaring, unable to control this ugly, trembling shell of a body.
“I, I look awful…” I pleaded. “Yaoyao, please go out, okay? …Be good.”
I tried to break free from An Yao’s embrace, but my body betrayed my will, clinging tightly to him.
I was craving his warmth, his scent, even everything about him.
Unexpectedly, An Yao did not listen to me. Instead, he leaned closer, close enough for me to clearly see my own miserable reflection in his light gray eyes. He raised a hand, his fingertip lightly pressing against my injured temple, gently wiping away the sticky bloodstain.
“Qingyan,” An Yao’s eyes were full of distress. “You’re hurt.”
“It’s nothing,” I turned my face away, not daring to look into his eyes. “It’s a minor injury, I just need to clean it up.”
I tried to gently push him away, but An Yao dodged my hand and, carrying his scent of magnolia, nimbly threw himself into my arms.
“An Yao,” I shouted. “What are you doing?!”
I could barely control my voice. “Do you know how dangerous an Alpha is during Rut? I can’t control myself… I will hurt you! I will… I will Permanent Mark you! I—”
“Lin Qingyan.” An Yao suddenly interrupted my incoherent outburst. “Then Mark me.”
It was the first time he had called me by my full name.
I froze, all my unfinished screams caught in my throat. The next second, scalding anger mixed with deeper fear surged up. “Do you know what nonsense you’re saying? Get out! Now! I really will—”
An Yao suddenly leaned in.
He reached out, slowly cupped my face, and very lightly placed a kiss on my eyelid.
He was kissing me.
It was the first time he had done this; his movements were unfamiliar and clumsy. But he kissed so earnestly, planting one kiss after another, the moist sensation moving from my eyelid to my cheekbone, slowly shifting to my tightly pressed lips, like a silent rain falling, washing away all my wretchedness.
I blinked, suddenly feeling a cold dampness on my face. I instinctively reached up to touch it, realizing belatedly that my face was covered in tears.
“…An Yao,” I said hoarsely. “I am not a good choice.”
“I am a full ten years older than you, I have no parents, and I can’t give you a privileged life… Moreover, I am an Alpha who can’t even control myself when deep in Rut.”
“I am a flawed person.”
“Yaoyao… An Yao, you should find someone truly gentle and steady, someone who will cherish you and let you live a safe and happy life.”
I kept my voice very low. “Not… waste your life on someone like me.”
You should be free, like the wind, to go wherever you want and do whatever you want. You shouldn’t tie yourself down to me just because of an accidental act of shelter.
“Yaoyao, I’m sorry…” My consciousness was hazy. “I’m sorry, truly sorry… I will deal with your stepfather’s matter as quickly as possible, and then you’ll be free. You can do anything you want, without having to bind yourself through marriage—”
“You are good.”
An Yao, uncharacteristically stubborn, raised his voice, interrupting my confused rambling. “Qingyan, you are good.”
“You are the best person I have ever met,” he said. “Qingyan, you saved me.”
“I already belong to you.”
I snapped my eyes open. The restlessness that had been briefly suppressed in my body roared up again because of An Yao’s words, almost shattering my fragile sanity. I bit hard into the inside of my lip; the resulting pain brought a moment of clarity.
“You belong to yourself,” I said dryly. “Yaoyao, you don’t need to go to such lengths out of gratitude…”
“I’m not worth it,” I murmured. “I’m not worth it.”
After saying this, I quickly lowered my head, not wanting him to see the surging tears rapidly rising in my eyes.
An Yao did not reply.
He stubbornly used all his strength to squeeze into my embrace. I tried to retreat and avoid him, but he forced me back step by step until my spine was pressed against a cold surface, cornered against the wall with no way out. The last sliver of space between us vanished. Our two bodies were pressed tightly together, transmitting each other’s heartbeats through layers of clothing, pounding heavily against my chest.
“Yaoyao, please…” I barely managed to squeeze out a whisper using sheer willpower. “Don’t do this.”
“Why?” An Yao lowered his eyes. “Why are you unwilling to Mark me?”
“I’m afraid…” I choked up. “I’m afraid you’ll regret it.”
I’m afraid I’m not the best choice for you, afraid that this attachment born of gratitude will gradually sour over the years. What if one day in the future you meet the person you truly want to spend the rest of your life with? What will you do then?
Will you resent me? Will you become self-destructive because of it? Will you be devastated?
Rather than that… I would prefer that the person you hate is me.
“Yaoyao, a Permanent Mark holds too much significance for an Omega,” I lowered my voice. “And… with current technology, once a Mark is made, it is almost impossible to completely remove.”
“I know,” An Yao’s voice was very soft. “I know all of this.”
He cupped my face again, gently pressing his cheek against mine. An Yao’s face carried a slight coolness, and the instant it pressed against me, it soothed my agitated, burning body.
I felt inexplicably reassured.
“I am willing,” An Yao’s breath warmed my lips. “Qingyan, I won’t regret it.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt anymore,” he said. “Mark me, okay?”