An Yao’S Observation Diary Chapter 12
byThursday, May 7th, Light Breeze
An Yao has been acting strangely lately.
We’ve already registered our marriage, and the hidden danger has been removed. Logically, nothing else should be able to threaten him. Yet, ever since we returned from registering the marriage, the smile has rarely appeared on An Yao’s face. I often see him curled up alone by the window or in the corner of the sofa, his gaze blankly fixed somewhere. Only when I approach does he hastily force a small smile.
Why is this happening? Did I unintentionally do something wrong that made An Yao feel uneasy? Or does he have another unresolved difficulty that he is keeping silent about, worried about implicating me?
I don’t know.
I want to have a good talk with An Yao, but every time I try to start the conversation, I see his eyes become wet, as if silently pleading.
I can’t bear it, so I’ve procrastinated until today.
After several days of thinking, I still don’t know how to change the current situation, so I decided to try taking him to the Clinic with me for work. Perhaps a change of environment and a chance to relax might help the anxious little one unwind a bit.
The two young women at the Clinic teased us as usual, “Brother Lin, bringing your little one to play again?”
“When’s the wedding?” Chen Xuanyi asked with a grin. “Don’t forget to invite us to the banquet.”
“We’re already married,” I said, smiling as I held An Yao’s hand, showing the matching rings on our ring fingers. “We registered on the 1st.”
Their eyes instantly focused on An Yao, causing his face to flush bright red. An Yao instinctively tried to cover his face, but ultimately just scratched his ear and nodded honestly, “Y-yes, that’s right.”
The two young women immediately widened their eyes in surprise, and a torrent of auspicious wishes poured out. “May you enjoy a harmonious union for a hundred years! May you have children soon!”
“Why so sudden?” Liang Yue asked curiously. “You aren’t secretly holding the banquet without inviting us, are you?”
I smiled, my fingertip gently rubbing the ring on An Yao’s ring finger. “We just registered first. We still need to pick a time for the banquet. After all, it’s not a holiday season right now, so it’s hard to find a suitable date.”
They nodded in understanding. “That makes sense.”
“Speaking of which, will that man come back?” Chen Xuanyi asked with some unease. “He looked like a lunatic, quite scary.”
As soon as she said this, the previously relaxed atmosphere quieted down. An Yao, who had been smiling moments before, immediately lowered his head, clutching at the corner of my clothes in a slight panic.
I quickly rubbed his head. “He won’t come back. I’ve already filed a report with the police station. If he shows up again, he’ll be detained immediately. That person won’t dare to return.”
They let out a long sigh of relief. “That’s good, that’s good.”
The young women settled down for less than two minutes before turning around and cheerfully patting An Yao’s shoulder. “Little An, our Brother Lin is finally blooming in his old age. You’ll have to work hard to take care of this old fossil from now on!”
I quickly circled An Yao and took two steps back. “Talk all you want, but why the sudden touching?”
They shrieked and cried out, “Oh—getting married really changes things, huh!”
Chen Xuanyi was particularly sarcastic. “Wh~y~ the~ sud~den~ touch~ing~”
An Yao’s face turned even redder. He looked at me, flustered, and finally buried his head in my embrace, becoming an ostrich.
“Sometimes I really want to dock your wages,” I said, rubbing my temples. “Go back to work.”
They giggled and scattered instantly, vanishing from sight.
The consultation room suddenly became quiet, leaving only the sound of our overlapping breaths. An Yao leaned quietly in my arms. After a long while, he cautiously poked his head out. “Then, can I go help too?”
“The patients haven’t arrived yet, no rush.” I held him tighter. “Rest for a bit first.”
He softly hummed in response, obediently snuggling into my embrace and relaxing his body.
As time passed, the Clinic gradually became busier, and An Yao started running around helping. Initially, I didn’t feel anything was wrong, assuming he was just helping fetch and move medicine as usual. But when lunchtime arrived, he was still working, his steps floating as he walked, which nearly gave me a fright.
“An Yao?” I quickly supported him. “Why aren’t you resting when you’re so tired? This batch of medicine can wait until tomorrow, why are you moving it?”
An Yao lowered his head and didn’t say anything.
I was both annoyed and anxious, taking the box of medicine from him. “Your body has only been well for a short time, you still need to rest properly…”
I wanted to say more, but seeing An Yao’s pitiful, lowered head, all the words choked in my throat and could only turn into a faint sigh. “…Forget it, why am I blaming you.”
It was clearly my own problem.
An Yao stiffened but didn’t move. He stood frozen until I urged him a few times, and then he slowly followed me.
The rest of the afternoon slipped by quietly in a mix of busyness and calm. I took An Yao to eat and see patients. He no longer forced himself but quietly did small things within my line of sight. At 9:30 PM, we closed the doors as usual and rode the E-bike home.
The evening breeze brushed past my ears. An Yao lightly held the corner of my jacket, his body temperature transmitting through the thin fabric—real, yet seemingly separated by an invisible veil.
We returned home, washed up, and said goodnight. All the routines were no different from the dozens of previous nights. Until—
I lifted my blanket and found someone else inside.
That person was An Yao.
He was completely naked, his light gray hair scattered over his shoulders, faintly outlining a suggestive curve. I instinctively covered him with the blanket, but he suddenly lunged into my arms, clutching my collar, lifting his face, and urgently seeking my lips.
I frantically avoided the kiss. “An Yao? What’s wrong?”
Is his Heat Cycle early? Thinking this, I immediately tried to turn around to fetch the Suppressant, but as soon as I took a step back, I distinctly felt the body in my arms suddenly stiffen.
“Doctor Lin, Qingyan…” An Yao stammered his defense incoherently. “Believe me, I’m very clean…”
He became more agitated as he spoke, his voice laced with broken sobs. He blinked, and hot tears fell without warning, splashing onto the back of my hand.
“No one has touched me… I, I washed very thoroughly just now…” he whimpered. “Please don’t despise me… I beg you…”
I was horrified. I quickly pulled the blanket over him, wrapping him tightly, and frantically wiped the tears from his face. “How could I despise you? I, I—”
“I like you too much to despise you,” I stammered, comforting him. “Why are you suddenly saying these things? Did someone say something nasty behind your back? Tell me, I, I—I’ll go settle the score with them right now!”
An Yao buried his face in my palm, sobbing softly. After a long time, he managed to utter a sentence, “Then why… why are you unwilling to touch me?”
“W-why…” My tongue felt stiff. “An Yao, tell me… why would you suddenly think this way?”
“I, I…” An Yao choked up. “If I can’t even do this… what else can I do?”
I held him tight, slowly understanding the reason for his persistent gloominess over the past few days from his confused words.
An Yao’s Sense of Unworthiness was too high.
For years, An Yao’s family had constantly instilled distorted beliefs, coupled with years of scorn and abuse, making him sensitive and self-deprecating from a young age. He consistently felt that if he didn’t demonstrate value, he wasn’t worthy of being cherished.
Although An Yao is now in a relatively peaceful environment, the time is still too short to completely change his mindset. Currently, he has no earning capacity, cannot go out alone, and the only thing he was good at—housework—is now largely handled by the cleaning robot. Unable to realize his value, he has been anxious all day, ultimately leading him to this method tonight, attempting to use his body to prove that he is “worthy” of being kept.
It was so clumsy it made me want to cry.
My heart suddenly ached, and a sharp bitterness surged up, causing my eyes to uncontrollably heat up and sting.
I hugged him tightly. “An Yao, Yaoyao, Yaoyao darling.”
“You don’t have to do this,” I said softly. “We are married, we are each other’s closest family, do you understand?”
“Family,” I said, “means that no matter if you can earn money, if you can do housework, or even if you do nothing at all, I will never let go of your hand.”
“You are the best darling, the best Yaoyao darling.”
An Yao cried again, even shamefully sniffing. “Doctor Lin… Qing, Qingyan…”
“I’m not, I’m not…” His crying grew louder. “I’m an omega, an omega no one wants…”
“My only purpose is to marry someone, have children, and do housework for the rest of my life…”
“I can’t do anything, I’m not good at anything…” An Yao wailed. “No one wants me, no one at all…”
“I want you.” I cupped his face and very gently kissed his eyelids. “I want you.”
“Yaoyao, you are not a child no one wants.”
I very gently wiped the tears from An Yao’s face. “I will absolutely never abandon you.”
“Your existence is the greatest meaning,” I said. “Do whatever you want to do. You don’t have to do housework. If you want to study, go study. If you want to travel, go travel. If you want to paint, I will ask a friend to teach you.”
“Yaoyao, your life is still very long.” I hugged him, stroking his back and patting him gently. “The hard times are over. There are long, wonderful days waiting for you ahead.”
“Really?” An Yao choked out. “Doctor Lin, is everything you’re saying true?”
“It’s true,” I pressed my forehead against his. “Have you ever known Doctor Lin to lie to you?”
He shook his head, burying his face in my neck, clinging to me like a helpless little animal drawing rare warmth.
“Qingyan,” he whispered. “I, I’m so scared… I really didn’t want to become like this…”
“Crying is actually a good thing, not a trouble,” I said. “Once you cry it out and release the emotions, you can live happily afterward.”
“Yaoyao, I’m here.” I cupped the back of his head and slowly rubbed it. “No need to rush.”
“We have plenty of time.”
“It’s normal for you to feel scared and uneasy. After all, we’ve only been together for less than two months. Both me and this environment are still unfamiliar to you.”
“You can’t judge whether the future will remain unchanged, and you can’t judge whether the promises I make now will be fulfilled… These feelings are normal.”
“I feel uneasy too.”
“But time will prove everything.” I leaned over his forehead and placed a light kiss on his hair. “Take it slow, we’re not in a hurry.”
An Yao in my arms lightly whimpered a few times, slowly relaxing his tense body as he lay against my chest. I held him, patting his back repeatedly, and slowly felt his breathing become steady.
I originally intended to pull away, turn off the light, and leave, but when I looked down and saw An Yao unconsciously clutching the corner of my shirt, my heart melted completely.
Forget it, I thought. It wouldn’t be good if An Yao overthought things if I left.
I fabricated a reason in my mind—whether it was the truth or just covering my own selfish desire—and reached for a blanket nearby, pulling it over us both as I settled into the soft bed with An Yao.
An Yao rested against my chest, soft and pliable like a little pudding nestled in my arms. He was warm, light, and carried a slight dampness from his unshed tears. I held him tight, lowering my head to gently rub his fluffy hair.
When An Yao’s hair grows a little longer, I should braid it for him. The little one seems to have a gentle personality; a braid would surely suit him well.
I thought a jumble of random things, closed my eyes, and quickly drifted off to sleep.