Paper Lover At Old Town Bookstore Chapter 37

Not clean?

The mutual gaze under the moonlight was filled with silent tension. The complex emotions in his eyes had not faded away. His Adam’s apple rolled, and his voice was as soft as if he was afraid of disturbing the air: “Does it still hurt?”

Those three words, with a cautious temptation and a trace of unconcealable guilt, fell on my heart under the moonlight and stabbed lightly.I didn’t answer immediately, I just turned my head and looked out the window at the hazy night, with wetness still on my eyelashes.

The dull pain in my body was still lingering, but the tug in my heart was even worse.Silence spread in the room, and he didn’t seem to dare to ask any more questions. He just maintained the distance that was neither far nor close, breathing very lightly.

After a long time, I finally couldn’t help but speak, my voice was hoarse as if I had just woken up, and there was a trace of confusion that I was not even aware of: “Song Zhili, what do we mean by this…?”

The words were like a stone, breaking the silence.I could feel his body stiffen suddenly, and when I turned to look at him, the complex look in his eyes was instantly replaced by shock, and then quickly overwhelmed by deeper pain.

He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to give an answer immediately, but when the words reached his lips, he swallowed them back.His fingers curled up unconsciously and placed at his side, his knuckles turning slightly white.”What?” He repeated my words in a low voice, with a hint of self-deprecation and a hint of despair in his tone, “Count me using despicable means to keep you by my side; count me being paranoid about keeping you, my only light.”

His voice became lower and lower, and the light in his eyes gradually dimmed: “I know you don’t like it, and I know you want to escape. But I can’t help it, Qiu Sheng. Apart from this, I can’t think of any other way to make you stay with me.”

“But does it make sense to stay like this?” I turned to look at him, tears falling uncontrollably again, “You have taken possession of my body, but you can’t keep my heart. There are secrets in my heart that you don’t know, and I can’t give you the future you want. What are we trying to do by torturing each other like this?”

He looked at me with tears streaming down his face, and the pain in his eyes almost overflowed.He stretched out his hand as if he wanted to touch me, but when he was about to touch my cheek, he pulled it back suddenly, as if he was afraid of hurting me again.”I don’t know…” His voice was choked, “I only know that I can’t live without you. Even if we torture each other, even if you hate me, as long as you are by my side, it will be fine.”

His words were like a dull knife, cutting my heart repeatedly.I looked at the paranoia and despair in his eyes, and suddenly felt extremely powerless.This entanglement caused by wearing books has long been beyond my control.His affection was too heavy, my secret was too ridiculous, and between us, it seemed that there was only this endless pain and pull, with no end in sight.

His voice was still choked with sobs, and before I could say anything else, he couldn’t help but stretched out his arms and carefully pulled me into his arms.This time there was no coercion or possessiveness in the hug before, only an almost humble cherishment, and the force was so gentle that it seemed as if I was afraid that the slightest force would break me.

I didn’t struggle or respond, I just let him hold me.His chin rested on the top of my hair, his breath carrying warm moisture brushed my hair, and his body was still trembling slightly.

Maybe he was too tired, or maybe the extreme emotional pull exhausted all his strength. After a while, his breathing became steady and long – he hugged me and fell asleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at the dark ceiling. My body was wrapped in his warm embrace, but my heart felt cold.

“I’m not clean anymore.”

This thought was like a poisonous thorn, piercing into my heart, circling repeatedly, and could not go away.I never thought that I would have a relationship with a man in this way, let alone that I would be the one below.

Humiliation, anger, powerlessness…all kinds of emotions were intertwined, surging wildly in my chest, almost swallowing me up.I wanted to roar, scream, and push him away again, but the exhaustion and pain in my body prevented me from even moving a finger.

I can only feel helpless and furious in my heart – I hate Song Zhili’s coercion and tyranny, I hate my own weakness and powerlessness, and I even hate this damn book tripping for throwing me into such an absurd and painful situation.

Tears fell silently, soaking his clothes.I bit my lip to prevent myself from making any sound, and allowed the anger and grievance to spread freely in my heart.

I don’t know how long it took, maybe I was tired from crying, or maybe I was only numb after being extremely angry, and sleepiness finally hit me again.I fell asleep in his arms, full of unwillingness and resentment.

In the dream, it was Lin Zhiqing’s disappointed eyes when he left, Song Zhili’s paranoid and desperate face, and those lingering images of humiliation.

This dream, like reality, is suffocating.When the morning light came in through the cracks in the curtains, I was awakened by the pain all over my body.

When he moved his fingers, he felt a dull pain stretching through his limbs, as if his bones had been torn apart and reassembled, and every inch of his muscles was crying out for fatigue.

The soreness in the waist and abdomen was especially obvious. When I turned over slightly, I felt an indescribable discomfort, which instantly brought back the humiliating and crazy memories of last night.

Song Zhili still maintained the posture of holding me, his arms were still tightly around my waist, but the strength was loosened, and his breath was spraying steadily on the back of my neck, with warm breath.He was sleeping deeply, but his brows were slightly furrowed, as if he was having an uneasy dream, and there was still a trace of exhaustion and guilt in his eyes.

I didn’t dare to move much, so I could only lie stiffly, feeling the warmth from his palm.The pain in my body and the humiliation in my heart were intertwined again, and the thought of “not clean” came up again, which made me clenched my fists and dug my nails deeply into my palms.

Anger still surged in my heart, but it was more of a powerless numbness.I know that after what happened last night, the relationship between Song Zhili and I will never be the same again.This forced entanglement was like an airtight net, trapping me tightly and leaving me with nowhere to escape.

After a long time, Song Zhili seemed to notice my movement and slowly opened his eyes.His eyes looked like he had just woken up from sleep. When he fell on me, he woke up instantly, and the guilt and nervousness immediately appeared in his eyes.”Are you awake?” His voice was hoarse as if he had just woken up, and he asked cautiously, “Does it… still hurt?”

His hand gently touched my waist. His movement was as gentle as touching something fragile, but it made me shrink subconsciously.