Little Meteor Chapter 18
byChapter 18 You Don’t Need to Hold Up for Anyone
Shen Mu was startled and whispered, “No, Auntie, we are Old Classmates from college.”
Jiang Chengxuan’s mother let out a thoughtful “Oh” and smiled. “College classmates, is that right?”
It seemed he hadn’t managed to pursue him yet. No wonder he was reluctant to say anything.
Jiang Chengxuan’s mother opened the refrigerator and placed the ingredients she was holding inside one by one.
The sound of the door opening came from the entryway. Jiang Chengxuan was changing his shoes and didn’t immediately notice his mother. Seeing Shen Mu standing rigidly in the living room, he couldn’t resist teasing, “Are you here to welcome me home from work?”
Shen Mu mouthed the words: “Your mother is here.”
Jiang Chengxuan didn’t clearly see Shen Mu’s mouth movements and walked closer with a smile. “Did you sleep yourself silly?”
The refrigerator door closed with a bang. Jiang Chengxuan’s mother leaned out from the kitchen, looking at her son with a half-smile. A rare look of astonishment appeared on Jiang Chengxuan’s face. “Mom? Why are you here?”
“I came to bring my son some food,” she said slowly. “It’s so strange. My son never used to buy groceries, but today the refrigerator is full of ingredients. Why is that?”
Jiang Chengxuan poured a cup of warm water and handed it to Shen Mu. “Because my mom wasn’t here. I can’t eat instant noodles every day.”
“Oh, so that’s the reason.” She drew out her tone. “I thought a certain someone had finally wised up and knew how to properly entertain a guest.”
Jiang Chengxuan said, “Did you come all the way here just to check my refrigerator?”
“How could I,” Jiang Chengxuan’s mother sat down on the sofa. “I originally wanted to bring you some braised beef that you love. Your Aunt Zhang brought it specifically from her hometown.”
Her gaze fell upon Shen Mu. “Xiao Mu, have you had dinner yet?”
Shen Mu, holding the water cup, quickly replied, “Not yet.”
“Then…”
“Mom,” Jiang Chengxuan interrupted her gently. “Dad is waiting for you at home.”
Jiang Chengxuan’s mother could tell that Shen Mu was thin-skinned, and Jiang Chengxuan was worried that Shen Mu would feel uncomfortable with her presence. Since Jiang Chengxuan hadn’t pursued Shen Mu yet, many questions were inappropriate to ask at this time. She consciously stood up. “You’re right, your dad must be getting anxious waiting at home. I should hurry back.”
She walked to the entryway to change her shoes, and before leaving, she turned back and winked at Shen Mu. “Xiao Mu, come over to the house next time. Auntie will cook her specialty dishes for you.”
Shen Mu nodded. “Thank you, Auntie. I definitely will.”
The door closed softly, and the living room instantly fell quiet. Shen Mu let out a sigh of relief. Jiang Chengxuan looked at him and couldn’t help but chuckle. “Scared? My mom is just a little too enthusiastic.”
Shen Mu shook his head, a slight curve forming on his lips. “No, Auntie is really nice. Your family atmosphere must be wonderful too.”
Jiang Chengxuan sensed his low mood and didn’t immediately say anything. He just turned and walked toward the kitchen. “Hungry? Sit down and wait, I’ll make dinner.”
Shen Mu followed him into the kitchen and picked up the greens on the counter. “I’ll wash these.”
Jiang Chengxuan was slicing the braised beef. “My mom can be a bit overly enthusiastic sometimes. Don’t mind it.”
Shen Mu carefully rinsed the vegetable leaves and shook his head. “I really don’t mind. Auntie is very nice. I can tell you grew up in a very loving environment.”
Jiang Chengxuan turned his head to look at him, his tone softening further. “What about you? I rarely hear you mention anything about your family.”
Shen Mu was silent for a moment before speaking. “My family is quite simple, nothing special. Just like most ordinary families, I suppose.”
Still unwilling to talk about it, Jiang Chengxuan picked up the salt shaker nearby and sprinkled some into the soup. “Ordinary families have their ordinary liveliness and worries too. Like my parents, sometimes they’re as sweet as honey, and sometimes they can argue for half a day over what to eat for dinner.”
The sound of running water stopped abruptly as Shen Mu turned off the faucet. The kitchen suddenly became quiet.
“Jiang Chengxuan.”
“Hmm?” Jiang Chengxuan, who was seasoning the soup, turned his head.
Shen Mu smiled. “I told you last time, didn’t I? I have a brother.”
Jiang Chengxuan put down the ladle and turned the heat down slightly.
Shen Mu still didn’t know when Shen Hao began to be abnormal. He only knew that for as long as he could remember, the atmosphere at home had been extremely heavy.
“Other families might argue about what to eat for dinner or who forgot to take out the trash. But all the focus, all the energy and emotion in my family, has revolved around only one thing for a very long time: how to take care of my brother.”
When Shen Mu was very young, he gained a concrete understanding of the word ‘death.’ It wasn’t as distant as it was written in books; instead, it frequently struggled out of his mother’s mouth with a hysterical weight. At the edge of her most emotional breakdown, she would tightly clutch Shen Mu’s small arm and say in a hoarse voice that she would take him with her to jump into the river.
Shen Mu knew he couldn’t entirely blame her. At that time, his mother was solely bearing the strange looks from neighbors, having to repeatedly apologize for the trouble his brother caused, and losing the possibility of working because she had to care for Xiao Hao constantly. The daily suppression and exhaustion were enough to crush anyone’s nerves.
Shen Mu’s father was a technician at a chemical plant in another city back then, only able to come home once every two weeks. The final turning point was when Shen Hao, during an episode of losing control, pushed his grandmother to the ground, causing a fracture. After this incident, his father resigned from the chemical plant. It had been a respectable job with a bright future. At the time, the factory owner had personally visited to try and retain such a rare technical talent, but he ultimately gave it up.
“You see, can people truly live for themselves?” Shen Mu smiled faintly. “My dad gave up his own life for his parents, for my mom, for my brother, and for me. My mom almost completely drained herself for my brother. And I…”
He paused, his voice as light as a sigh. “It seems that ever since I became sensible, the purpose of my life has been to put them at ease, to prove that their sacrifices were worthwhile. I had to be obedient, sensible, and outstanding. I had to live out my brother’s share of life too. I couldn’t have big emotions, inappropriate hobbies, and certainly couldn’t fail. Because I was the only normal one in this family. I had to be their hope. I had to hold up.”
“Sometimes I feel like our family is tied together on a single rope, falling downward,” Shen Mu lifted his eyes and looked at Jiang Chengxuan. “Everyone is desperately trying to hold onto each other, but the result is just getting tangled tighter and falling faster. No one can truly catch their breath, and no one has the right to say, ‘I want to live for myself just once.'”
After Shen Mu finished speaking, he looked exhausted, slightly lowering his head so that the fringe of hair covered his eyes.
Jiang Chengxuan was silent for a moment, then reached out and embraced him.
“Shen Mu,” Jiang Chengxuan’s hand rested on the back of his head. “You don’t need to hold up for anyone.”
“You are wonderful. Not because of what you’ve achieved or what you’ve carried, but simply because you are Shen Mu. That is enough.”
Shen Mu leaned against Jiang Chengxuan’s shoulder, remaining silent for a moment before speaking. “Thank you for not telling me that I should live for myself.”
He lifted his head slightly, the corners of his eyes still a little red. “I actually really dislike that phrase. It sounds so easy, as if a simple, light sentence can lift all the burdens off your shoulders. But those responsibilities and attachments are real; they can’t be erased by just saying ‘live for yourself.’ It’s not that I don’t want to, but that I can’t. At least for now, I can’t completely think only of myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a self.”
Jiang Chengxuan felt as if his heart was being squeezed. The calmer Shen Mu’s tone was, the more it carried that forced lightness and indifference, the more Jiang Chengxuan could feel the deep-seated exhaustion and heaviness beneath the calm surface.
What he was hearing was only a fraction of what Shen Mu chose to speak about. The unspeakable parts of the pain must be a thousand times greater than these few understated sentences.
Jiang Chengxuan tightened his arms around him. He didn’t know how to comfort Shen Mu, so he simply rubbed his chin very lightly against Shen Mu’s hair.